


Hey There Mr. Tin Man

by HazelEyeLucy23



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Adventure & Romance, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Canon Era, Drinking, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hiatus, Kissing, Louis-centric, M/M, On Hiatus, Pining, Sad Louis, Self-Discovery, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2018-11-01 07:08:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 73,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10916853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HazelEyeLucy23/pseuds/HazelEyeLucy23
Summary: The other two boys were nodding their head in agreement. “How long of a break were you thinking?” Niall asked.Liam had shrugged, “Dunno, maybe a year or two?”Louis couldn’t contain the shock from his face, “A year or two, are you joking?” he said, finally breaking his silence.Liam just shrugged in response. “It would give us time to really relax, we haven’t stopped in five years, I think we owe it to ourselves.”Louis looked around the room at each of the boys, he could tell by the look on each of their faces that they were strongly considering it. “It wouldn’t be for more than that, yeah?” he asked quietly.“’Course, mate!” Niall smiled. “It is just a small break, you couldn’t get rid of us that easily if you tried. We’ll still be on tour together ‘till we’re old and grey.”Louis could feel three pairs of eyes on him, waiting patiently for his response. He sighed as he ran a hand through his messy hair and nodded, “I think a break is exactly what we need.” He finally said, trying to sound convincing, while on the inside he was screaming how much he did not want this.Or the one where Louis feels lost and goes MIA.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi All!
> 
> This is my first story here and my first one for One Direction. I have had this story in my head for the past few weeks and finally decided to write it down and share it. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy the story and would love to hear your thoughts! 
> 
> I don't own the boys but the plot and original characters are mine so please not plagiarizing.
> 
> Lots of love
> 
> Lucy

**Chapter 1**

_You don’t know how lucky you are_

 

They stood there on stage, arms wrapped tightly around each other’s shoulders, teary smiles on their faces, having just performed Drag Me Down, their last song of the night, their last song of the tour, their last song before the break. He stood there looking over the crowd, tears in their fans eyes, matching his own; there was something just too final about taking that last bow on stage.

He knew they were exhausted, and they needed a break, but it didn’t mean they needed an indeterminate break, or as the boys kept calling it, a hiatus, feeling the need to remind everybody that it wasn’t the end, that it wasn’t permanent, that they would be back, they just didn’t know when.

They were not even half way through their On the Road Again tour, when Liam brought up the idea to them while they were crowded around Louis’ PlayStation in the back of their tour bus. At first, none of them had known how to respond. It took several moments for the awkward silence to be broken by Harry, “A break? What do you mean? Not break up the band?” The panic in his voice echoed the panic in his own thoughts.

“No, no, nothing like that.” Liam had assured them, “I just mean, it’d just be a hiatus, we’ll take some time off to relax, do our own thing, appreciate the quiet life for a while, then we’ll start writing some music and be back, yeah? Together again all refreshed with new album and new tour.”

There had been another pause as each of the boys thought about it carefully. Inside Louis was panicking; he didn’t want to be away from the boys, away from the tour or their fans.

“It’d be nice, just for a little while, to slow down a bit, yeah?” Harry said eventually.

The other two boys were nodding their head in agreement. “How long of a break were you thinking?” Niall asked.

Liam had shrugged, “Dunno, maybe a year or two?”

Louis couldn’t contain the shock from his face, “A year or two, are you joking?” he said, finally breaking his silence.

Liam just shrugged in response. “It would give us time to really relax, we haven’t stopped in five years, I think we owe it to ourselves.”

Louis looked around the room at each of the boys, he could tell by the look on each of their faces that they were strongly considering it. “It wouldn’t be for more than that, yeah?” he asked quietly.

“’Course, mate!” Niall smiled. “It is just a small break, you couldn’t get rid of us that easily if you tried. We’ll still be on tour together ‘till we’re old and grey.”

Louis could feel three pairs of eyes on him, waiting patiently for his response. He sighed as he ran a hand through his messy hair and nodded, “I think a break is exactly what we need.” He finally said, trying to sound convincing, while on the inside he was screaming how much he did not want this.

“A hiatus,” Liam corrected.

“A hiatus,” he agreed softly. Louis just couldn’t escape the feeling of uncertainty that filled him.

Bringing up their idea to management was a whole other battle they were going to have to try and win, especially considering the boys wanted to use the opportunity to exit their current contracts not only with record label, but with their management team as well, as none of the boys were happy with how the last few years had gone, and if they were going to come back they wanted a fresh start all around.

Louis knew that it was going to be a hell of a battle to get out of their contracts. They were in their third meeting with management and their own lawyers, when Louis knew he was going to have to try and work out a deal with them to let the other boys get their break. This wasn’t new for him. Since they first signed their record deal, as the oldest of the group, Louis had made sure to protect the boys as much as he could.

The first time Louis took action, was within their first year as a band, they were in a one of their meetings on image when the notion of girlfriends were brought up. It was later that night when Harry had come tom him in tears saying he wasn’t attracted to girls and was freaking out that management was going to kick him out of the bad. As Louis held Harry and tried his best to comfort him, he told Harry that he was bisexual, that to him gender didn’t matter; it was the person underneath that he was attracted to. Louis promised that they would go to management together and figure it out.

So the next day Louis and Harry had informed them that they wanted to be open about their sexuality. To say management lost their shit was an understatement. They made it abundantly clear that they were not allowed to reveal their sexual preferences their fans or anyone not covered by a Non-Disclosure Agreement. Reluctantly they had both agreed, when their management had started throwing out facts, statistics and record sales, and who were they to argue with them. For the most part Harry was relieved that they were going kick him out of the band.

When the topic of fake girlfriends came up a few months later, after much speculation about the nature of Louis and Harry’s relations, it only took was one teary conversation with Harry for Louis to have a separate meeting with management telling them he would take the brunt of hiding their sexuality from the public. While he knew he couldn’t completely prevent Harry from having to do stunts or lie, he could make sure that it was a little as possible. Sometimes though, Louis had to wonder if it was the right decision, if Harry’s silence and inaction didn’t create more rumours that were almost worse than walking around holding some girls hand for a few months.

It became a recurring theme for Louis, one of the boys needed a bit of extra coverage or a break, Louis would step in. It was during those times that he was also grateful for Liam or Daddy Direction as they called him. Without knowing it, he would step up and run interference and give Louis a much needed break, he never told any of the boys about the side agreements with management, so he was always grateful when Liam would unknowingly come to his rescue.

So that was how he found himself in a private meeting with Sony, laying out a compromise with them to let them out of their contract with Syco. For Louis, there was no option other than to leave with a tentative deal with Sony that they would present to boys. Luckily, after two hours of back and forth, they came to agreement that Louis thought the boys would be able to live with. They would be able to end their contract with Syco and Simon (with none of his companies or associations were allowed near the boys), as long as they agreed to stay within the Sony label, that included solo deals and when the band came back from hiatus. Louis knew that ultimately Sony would want to do everything they could to keep the boys under their label, and if they pushed them too hard they ran the risk of losing all of them, which Louis knew was bad for business. So Louis counted this a win, and hoped the boys saw that it was as well.

With the record label dealt with, Louis had set up a meeting with Modest; he knew their biggest concern was the implication on their company once they boys left and the industry and public found out why. So he sat there in front of their management team and laid out his proposition. Before the meeting Louis had sat down with his lawyer and went through several scenarios. He knew they would be able to buy out their contracts, but Louis didn’t like the uncertainty of it, and knowing management as he did, he knew they would make their remaining time under their contract unbearable. That was something he didn’t want the boys to have to go through, so Louis offered to stay with Modest for the first twelve months of the hiatus and then he would not sign with another company for the second year of the hiatus. He also agreed to a lower percentage of profit from any events he went to that Modest arranged. For the other boys, they would need to agree to not sign with anyone for the first year of the hiatus, but were free and clear after that. The boys would also not comment on the reason for their breaking with management or any other questions regarding the details of their time with Modest, in exchange Modest was not allowed to negatively comment on the boys and the band.

Modest had reluctantly agreed to Louis’ terms with a few additions and agreement from him that he would agree to be active during the first year of their hiatus based on their recommendations. Louis had agreed, despite the sinking feeling that it was probably the worst thing he has agreed to since joining the band.

So that was how Louis found himself sitting in front of management with the other boys a week later going through their terms of how they would let the boys out of their contract with no penalty. Louis stayed mostly silent for the meeting, watching the other boys to see if they gave any indication that they were uncomfortable with any of the terms being put forth.

Louis was relieved to see that for the most part there were no major objections; there were parts they weren’t happy about, particularly about being forced to stay within the Sony label, but they had agreed that it was the best offer they were going to get without them having to spend large sums to buyout their contracts. With the agreement between all parties, Modest began to work on announcing to the world that One Direction was going on a well-deserved break, given how Zayn had only left the band a few months earlier, they weren’t going to rush the announcement, they wanted to give their fans some time to recover before they hit them with their hiatus.

The rest of the tour seemed to have flown by and Louis couldn’t believe that it was over; they had taken their final bow. The moment was bittersweet. After they had taken their final bow, they rushed off stage, collecting their things before they made their way back to the hotel. Louis gave the boys a small smile as they made their way onto their private hotel floor.

“Looks like this is it boys.” Liam said turning to look at them all, with a sad smile on his face.

An awkward silence filled the floor, none of them entirely sure what to say or do. This was unfamiliar territory for the boys; they have spent nearly every day together over the past five years.

“Come on lads, no sad faces, we’re still going to see and talk to each other all the bloody time, nothing’ going to change.” Niall said optimistically.

Louis didn’t share his confidence, he wasn’t sure what the future was going to hold, but he didn’t want to share his fear with the boys as they were all excited for the break.

“Bring it in lads.” Niall added as he opened his arms for the boys to do one final group hug before they turned in for the night. Louis wrapped his arms tightly around Liam and Niall and the foursome held on a little longer than they normally did.

“Niall’s right, no sad faces boys,” Liam smiled as he broke the group hug, “This is a good thing for us. Now off to bed with the lot of you.”

Louis laughed, “Whatever you say Daddy Direction.”

Liam swung his hand out to hit Louis on the back of his head, but Louis was all too familiar with Liam and ducked his head as he scurried off to his room with a laugh.

“Night boys!” he called out as he made his way into his room. Shutting the door behind him, he leaned up against it for a minute, he could hear the muffled voices of the boys still in the hallway, but couldn’t make out what they were saying. Pushing off the door Louis launched himself on his bed. He was too tired to change out of his clothes. Tomorrow was the start of a new chapter.


	2. Chapter 2

**-2-**

_You shouldn't spend your whole life wishin', For something bound to fall apart_

 

**_8 Months later_ **

Louis always found LA exhausting; the people, the traffic, the unfamiliarity, the humidity that sticks to your skin like a sweaty sheet. Having spent months at a time there, he should be used to it by now, yet it still feels foreign to him, a stark contrast from the familiar grey skies and security of London. He never used to get homesick when he was touring the world with the boys. To Louis home was more of a feeling, a sense of security and belonging than an actual place, so it didn’t matter where he was as long as he was with the boys; they always managed to make everywhere they went feel like home. Now that he was on his own, everywhere he went was a constant feeling of hollowness, the uncertainty of when or if he’d feel at home again.

Logically Louis knew that the hiatus meant seeing less of the boys, but it felt much worse when it actually happened. The day after their tour ended, Niall left for Ireland for a few months, spending time with friends and family before he left for a three month backpacking trip all over Asia and Australia. He would send Louis snaps of wherever he ended up on a particular night. He was happy that Niall was getting to see the world in a way they were never able to. For the most part Niall didn’t seem in a rush to start a new project, he seemed quite content just to relax and take it day by day. It was his easy-goingness that Louis missed the most. Niall just has certain joie de vivre that is infectious, it didn’t matter how shitty a day you were having, Niall always managed to turn it around.

Liam on the other hand had spent the first five months in London just spending time with family, at one-point Louis was convinced Liam had moved back in with his parents, he was there for so long. It was only after a bad break up with Sophia that Liam decided to leave the nest. So one phone call to Harry and he was out enjoying the LA sun, it what was supposed to be temporary visit but ended up in a more permanent move. He ended up getting close with some artists in LA and really got into producing, and so he spent a lot of time helping out a few artists, he was always calling Louis up to have him listen to the lasts song he was working on.

Harry was a whole other matter, other than a few texts; Louis hadn’t really heard from or seen Harry since the night of their last performance. When Louis had woken up the next day and went to say goodbye to all the boys, he had been informed by an uncomfortable Liam that Harry had already left. Louis had tried not to let on how much that had hurt, but he knew Liam could tell. The truth is he had no idea what changed between him and Harry, the way they just fell out of sync with each other. There was no big fight, just a slow freeze-out. They went from living in the same flat in London to Harry out and about with his new friends and Louis quietly left behind. It took Louis several months to notice that Harry was pulling away from him, when he had asked Harry if there was a problem, he just waved him off with a smile and quickly changed the subject. Soon he was avoiding being alone with Louis, always making excuses to leave so it wasn’t long before he was no longer returning his calls or messages, and Louis was now an outsider looking in on his once best friend’s life.

At first it broke his heart, how close they were to just to have it ripped away, he had talked to the boys about it, but they all were at a loss. It wasn’t that Harry was ever hostile towards him, on the contrary he was always pleasant to him when they were working, it was just, they were just no longer Hazza and Lou, the spark was gone, and he had no idea why. It had taken a long time for Louis to accept his new place in Harry’s life, but it never stopped hurting when he had to learn about what Harry was up to from someone else.

From what Louis could gather from the other boys, Harry was spending most of his time in LA with his friends out there, with the occasional trip to England to visit family and friends, something he and Harry were not. Niall had mentioned to him in passing that he apparently was working on some music and was considering getting into acting as well.

Louis for the most part was being run ragged by Modest. They had him going to events left and right, promoting other Modest artists and whatever else in between. Louis had had a whole two weeks to himself after the tour ended to spend time with his family, but after that, he was all over Europe and the US, never a moments rest. He was lucky Oli and Calvin came with him on some of his trips, while it wasn’t the same as travelling with the boys, it was a least company. At first, they spent their nights casually drinking at whatever event he was at; Louis figured if he was being sent out to all these events then he may as well enjoy himself, which led to several front page headlines of him being drunkenly carried out of whatever club they were in. It was then that the press and the fans concerns turned into more criticism. He could barely go one day without hearing or reading about how the fame was finally got to him, how no one was surprised it was him behaving so recklessly and how he was heading down a dangerous slope.

At first Louis had just ignored it, he was used to negative press, and he knew then was an end date for him to finally have some rest. But then Modest decided to step up their game. Since his “relationship” with Eleanor had ended he was now an eligible bachelor, so any female that needed some promo was set up with Louis. Some were just for a drink and a few pap walks, others were week-long affairs, that saw them leaving the club together and coming out of the same hotel the next morning, and would continue for a few days before he was onto his latest conquest. Louis had tried to fight Modest on this, he really didn’t feel comfortable with it, especially given his younger sisters, he didn’t want to let them see him behaving like this and think it was alright, but they just pointed to his contract and said it was bringing in too much business for them to stop. It was here that Louis’ drinking started to get out of hand. He needed a way to numb himself, and he refused to do anything harder than joint, so he was left to drink away his troubles.

He would usually wake up the next morning, with little memory of the previous night, throwing up everything he ate and drank the night before, only to do it all over again the next night. He knew he was disappointing everyone, his mother called him almost daily to check in on him, Niall and Liam checked in on him when they were in London, but he just kept reassuring everyone he was ok; after a while they stopped asking. Louis couldn’t count the number of times he found himself curled up in a ball in his bed, with tears silently streaming down his face as he read the articles and saw what people were saying about him on social media. His fans were so disappointed in him, and his critics only got more vocal. Every day he regretted his decision to take on Modest himself, he should have listened to his lawyer, Marcus and let them collectively settle it. Marcus became his only confidant over the past eight months, something he was immensely grateful for.

Because he was in the tabloids so often and rarely seen in public with the other boys, the breakup rumors were like wildfire. Few believed that they would ever return as a band. He had tried to reassure the fans as often as he could, but sometimes he felt as they did, he had no idea when they would return, it was a subject they all seemed to avoid. So it was rare for all four boys to be in the same place, so Louis was surprised when he got a text from Liam saying they were all getting together at his place in LA for a much needed hangout. Louis had wished that Liam had mentioned it earlier; he had been out really late the night before at some party he can’t really remember, and was actually looking forward to having a quiet night in.

Knowing he hadn’t seen the boys in a while he reluctantly he agreed. That was how he found himself in the backseat of his car, with his driver waiting patiently for him to get out. He took a few moments to steady himself before exiting the car, casually telling his driver he would call when he was ready to be picked up. He walked up the landscaped pathway until he reached the front door and rang the doorbell. It was a few moments before the door swung open.

“Tommo!” Liam cried as he pulled Louis in for a hug, “Good to see you mate.”

Louis smiled and gave Liam a tight hug in return, “You to Payno.”

He motioned for Louis to come in and follow him through the house, “Everyone is out back.”

As they made their way to the back patio he was disappointed to see that it wasn’t going to be a quieter evening with just the boys. He couldn’t help the sigh that escaped him as he turned to Liam, “I thought it was just going to be us tonight?”

Liam gave him a guilty look before he shrugged, “Sorry mate, we got a little excited in our planning.”

Louis didn’t know what else to say, so he let the conversation die there as he looked through the gathering of people for a familiar face. It was going to be a long night.

Liam led him to an area off the pool that had an arrangement of lounge patio furniture. It was there he saw Niall, Harry, Nick Grimshaw and a few other people he didn’t recognize.

“Well, well if my eyes don’t deceive me, young Louis here is gracing us with his presence.” Came Nick’s northern accent, his disdain for his sudden appearance was only thinly veiled, though no one else seemed to notice.

“Grimshaw,” Louis nodded, not wanting to bait Nick into a conversation that he knew would only get him annoyed, and he was too tired for that tonight.

Louis nodded his hello to Harry, who tipped his drink to him before turning his attention to the female on his left. Louis couldn’t help feel a little disappointed at the lack of response, they hadn’t seen or talked to each other much in almost a year and all he gets is a polite smile, it was times like this that left him just utterly confused. Louis gave Niall a sad smile as he greeted him, leaning down to give him a hug and a hair ruffle as he sat down beside him.

“How you doing Tommo?”

Louis shrugged, “Tired,” he sighed, “Looking forward to heading up to Donny next week though. Be nice to see the fam.”

Niall nodded, “I know what you mean, I have to get back over soon, mum has been on me ass for weeks for a visit.”

Louis laughed, he could picture Niall’s mom giving him a hard time for not visiting enough, he had bunked with Niall enough to know how good his mom was with the guilt trips, she was almost as good as his own, almost.

“So tell me what is new and exciting in the world of Neil?”

Louis turned his full attention to Niall as he told him all about his trip, the new music he was working on, and all the gold courses he planned on visiting over the next few months. Louis listened with rapt attention, noting the way Niall’s face brightened with each story.

Liam had come over and joined them, telling him all about the new artists he was working with and how he couldn’t wait to share some on the songs he was working on with them.

Louis wasn’t sure how long the three boys sat there catching up, it was comforting, and for the first time in months Louis felt at peace. He had glanced over at Harry a few times to see him entertaining some of the other guests with some of his stories. At one point they caught each other’s eyes and Louis gave him a small smile before turning his attention back to the conversation in front of him. After a while Liam and Niall got pulled into other conversations around them, leaving Louis standing in Liam’s backyard with no one to talk to. He hadn’t plan on having a drink tonight but the awkwardness of the night was calling for it.

He made his way into the kitchen where Liam had set up a buffet of alcohol, he poured himself a rum and coke and downed it quickly before making himself another.

“Don’t you think you should take it easy tonight?” Came Harry’s voice from behind him.

Louis whipped around to see him standing in the patio door, his arms crossed and a frown fixed upon his face. Louis tensed, “What is that supposed to mean?”

Harry shrugged, “Never mind.”

Louis felt his agitation grow, he moved away from the bar and leaned against one of the wall as he motioned for Harry to continue, “No you obviously have something you want to get off your chest, so please share.”

Harry moved closer to him, “You’ve been going a little while with the drinking and partying had a pretty,” he shrugged, “think you could do with a night off.”

Louis stared at him, not quite sure how to respond, when Harry added, “All this drinking, s’not you.”

“You’ve got to be fucking joking.” Louis yelled, “What the fuck would you know Harold,” Harry looked away, flinching at the disdain in Louis voice as he said his name.

“You’ve barely spoken to me in two years unless it relates to the band and suddenly you’re an expert on me? Not bloody likely.”

Liam and Niall, having heard Louis yelling came into the kitchen closing the patio door behind them.

“What’s going on boys?” Liam asked, looking between Harry and Louis.

“Nothing.” Harry quickly replied, not making eye contact with anyone.

Louis let out an angry laugh, “Don’t feel like sharing Harold?” Louis turned to Liam and Niall, “Harry here thinks I seem to have a drinking problem, ‘cause he knows me so well.”

Niall cleared his throat as he addressed Louis cautiously, “He’s not wrong Louis. We’re all concerned about you.”

Louis sighed in frustration, he didn’t know why he was getting so angry, but he just felt that everything was bubbling at the surface and he couldn’t control himself anymore.

“I told you I am fine.”

“You’re not fine Louis!” Liam said, raising his voice, before taking a calming breath, “You are drinking like we’ve never seen you, it’s not healthy. Harry is right to be worried.”

Louis shook his head, giving them an exasperated face, “You’re joking mate?” he laughed, “Harry has a right to be worried? He gave that up the moment he decided he was too good to be friends with me.”

“Louis you know that isn’t true,” Harry started, but Louis cut him off, “Come off it Harry, we both know it is true, one day were best mates, the next you just dropped me like I meant nothing to you, left me feeling like I was the one that screwed up, well fuck you Harry,” Louis yelled, tears collecting in his eyes with every word he yelled.

Harry didn’t respond, “That’s what I thought,” he laughed bitterly, “So why don’t you save your concern for someone who cares. Because I stopped caring about you a long time ago.”He lied, but as he stared at Harry, he felt something twist in his stomach as he saw the broken expression on his face.

“Was that really necessary Louis?” Niall asked quietly, Louis just shrugged in response, “This isn’t you.” He added.

Louis anger and frustration were growing, he desperately wanted out of this conversation, they just didn’t understand, this was all for them, so they could have their stupid hiatus. “You have no idea what this year has been like for me, what I have given up for this band, I didn’t bloody want this, so don’t you dare judge me!”

“We have all sacrificed for this band Louis!”

“Not like I have Liam, you have no idea all that I have done for you.”

Concern was etched across Niall’s face, “What is that supposed to mean Louis? What did you do?”

Louis shook his head but didn’t respond. Just then the patio door opened and Nick walked through, closing it behind his as he took in the scene before him.

“Just thought you gents should know that we can hear the row outside.”

Louis snorted, of course Nick would be here right now, “Mind your own business Grimshaw.”

“Louis” Harry warned.

“S’fine Harry, looks like Louis here is living up to his reputation of a spoilt popstar. Can always count on you Tommo for drunken entertainment these days.”

Something in Louis snapped as he threw his glass drink hard against the wall, shattering it into a million pieces. He stared at the glass fragments on the floor, the brown liquid running down the wall. No one spoke.

Louis turned to look at the boys, fear and concern echoed across each of their faces as they searched for something to say.

Louis panicked, “Fuck! I’m… I’m sorry.” He stuttered. Liam made a move to him, but Louis shook his head, telling him to stay away. “I’m sorry,” he repeated quietly as he turned and ran out the front door.

Louis ran as fast as his legs could carry him. He could hear the boys chase after him, but he couldn’t deal with the look of disappointment on their faces. He ran for a few blocks before he collapsed on someone’s front lawn. He brought his legs into his chest as he rested his head on his knees. Tears streaming down his face as his body was wracked with sobs. He couldn’t believe what he just did. He was never one for violence, but he had just exploded.

He had really fucked up. He should have never signed that contract with Modest, he should have trusted the boys to get out of it together. He was so lost; he didn’t know who he was anymore.

Louis picked up his phone and sent a message to his drive to come pick him up, when he finished he called Marcus, he would know what to do.

“Louis? It’s four am here. What’s wrong?” He could hear Marcus’ concern as if he were standing right in front of him.

“I need help.” He replied softly.

“Louis what is going on?”

“I really fucked up…. I’m scaring myself, I can’t do this anymore.”

Louis could hear the sheets ruffling through the phone, and assumed Marcus was sitting up in bed. “Louis slow down, tell me what’s wrong.”

“I had an argument with the boys. Was stupid really, I don’t know why I got so mad,” he started picking at the grass by his feet as he faintly whispered, “I threw a glass at the wall.”

“Oh Louis.”

Louis tried not to let his emotions get the better of him, “I feel like I am drowning Marcus. I don’t know what to do anymore. This isn’t me.”

“I know Louis. Will you let me fix it, and get you out of it.”

Louis paused for just a moment before agreeing, “Please,” he begged, “I can’t go on like this.”

“Alright, do you want to come back to London, while I get this all sorted.”

Louis thought about it for a moment. He didn’t know if going back to London was the best idea, “I think,” he stuttered, “I think I want to go away for a while, just me.”

It was a few breaths before Marcus responded, “If that is what you want, we can arrange that. Are you going to be ok on your own?”

Louis nodded to himself, before quietly adding, “I think I need to spend some time with just me, I need to figure out who I am again.”

Marcus sighed, “Alright, as long as you promise to check in with me regularly.”

“I promise.”

“Right. I am going to have a doctor come to your place in LA, he is going to do a physical and mental assessment that we will use to help get out of this mess with Modest. You start thinking about where you want to lay low and we will get everything sorted. How soon did you want to leave?”

“Tomorrow.”

Marcus swore, “Alright, let me see what I can do.”

“Thanks Marcus, I don’t know how to thank you enough for everything.”

“You don’t have to thank me Louis, I just wish you’d let me get you out of this mess earlier. You are too stubborn for your own good.”

Louis gave a small laugh, “I know, one of my worst qualities.”

“I know.”

With that Louis ended his call with Marcus and waited patiently for his driver. Thinking of all the places he could hideaway from everyone. Where in the world should Louis go?

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all!
> 
> Here is the latest chapter, I hope you enjoy, it is a little longer this time. I know the other boys haven't been featured much in the story so far, but they will be a big part of it soon! 
> 
> Thanks to everyone who read, commented and liked the story, really means a lot! 
> 
> Enjoy chapter 3! Your comments and feedback are always welcomed :)
> 
> All the love!
> 
> Lucy

**-3-**

_Every time you're feeling empty, Better thank you lucky stars_

 

It was late at night as Louis sat cross legged on the sandy beach in front of his rented home in Oahu staring out at the ocean. He had been in Hawaii for just over two weeks, and so far he hadn’t done more than sleep, surf and sit on the beach listening to the waves gently crash until he was tired enough to fall into a dreamless sleep.

After he got off the phone with Marcus, after his blow up at Liam’s, things were a little hectic for Louis, as he had stayed up all night trying to find a place to stay, he had thought long and hard about where he wanted to go, and finally settled on Hawaii. He spent hours looking through website for house rentals until he came across one in the North Shore on the island of Oahu. It was a beautiful two-bedroom bungalow. It had private fencing around the property, so he wouldn’t be disturbed, while backing right onto the beach, so he could go surfing any time he wanted right from his backyard. The North Shore was far away from the more traditional tourist parts of the island, so he could still go out and about without having to worry about someone recognizing him. Once the house was booked, Louis arranged a private flight to Hawaii later that afternoon. He was going to have to spend a night in a hotel in Honolulu, before he took possession of the house, since he didn’t want to spend any more time in LA then he had to.

Louis managed to catch a few hours of sleep before the doctor Marcus mentioned arrived early the next morning and he had poked and prodded him both mentally and physically for over an hour before turning to Louis with a concerned frown on his face. He informed Louis that his blood pressure was dangerously high for someone his age, he was also concerned with Louis current weight and raised concerns of anxiety and depression. He all but inferred that Louis needed to immediately stop whatever he was doing and start taking care of himself or he was going to land himself a trip to the hospital.

Once he had finished his diagnosis he sat Louis down and gave him some recommended treatment options, which included a better diet and exercise regime, which for Louis would be a challenge as he couldn’t cook for hit and actively avoided working out. He also recommended that he quit smoking and limit his alcohol intake, to which he offered a shrug and said he would try. The doctor had also stressed that he strongly believed Louis would benefit from some form of therapy, however, since Louis wasn’t convinced just yet that he needed a shrink, he agreed to read the materials the doctor suggested and look into meditation, to which he thought how very Harry it all was. While he knew the doctor was there to help, all it did was remind Louis of how much of a mess of things he made. He could only hope that he could get back to being someone he somewhat recognized when he looked in the mirror.

His phone had also not stopped ringing, and he was afraid someone was going to stop by and prevent him from leaving. He knew it was selfish to just up and leave, but he didn’t want to run the risk of anyone talking him out of it. He was so ashamed of what happened the night before, and wasn’t sure what to say to the boys. Louis made a final call to Marcus to let him know his plan, saying he would pass along a way to reach him as soon as he got to Hawaii, before he shut of his phone and tucked it into his luggage, knowing he wouldn’t be turning it back on for a while. He really should have called his mother before he disappears, but he didn’t know what to say to her just yet, so he decided to wait until he was better mentally prepared for the difficult conversation he knew was waiting for him. Once he finished packing his suitcases he did one final check around his house before making his way to LAX, he was just buzzing to get out of LA.

It had taken a few days but Marcus had worked his magic with his now former management team, and managed to get them to agree to terminate the contract early, for a price, which at this point Louis was happy to pay. He was glad to be finished with it all and after being admonished by Marcus again he vowed to never make the same mistake again, he honestly didn’t know if he would survive another stunt like that.

After two weeks, Louis couldn’t believe how much of a difference his time in Hawaii was already having. The tension in his shoulders had started to vanish; he didn’t feel like he was slowly losing control anymore. He was felt at peace here. He knew he needed to start figuring out what his next steps were, but he wasn’t quite ready to address some hard truths about himself just yet.

Louis was brought out of his thoughts as he heard a raised voice coming from the property next to his. He had only seen his neighbour in passing a handful of time since he arrived. She was usually coming in from a morning surf just as he was heading out for one. They hadn’t spoken, just given each other a cursory nod of acknowledgment as they passed each other on the beach. That was why he was surprised at the familiar London accent that became clearer as she stormed out of her backyard and headed straight for the shoreline, pacing up and down as she yelled at someone on the phone.

“Are you fucking kidding me! You don’t get to pull this shit you prick.”

Feeling like he was intruding on a private moment, he tried to divert his attention and not eavesdrop, but made no move to leave, as it was a semi-public beach he reasoned and he was there first.

“You make one statement Eric and I will own your ass.” She yelled as she kicked the water, as if this Eric person was right in front on her. “Don’t tell me to calm down! I am not the one violating our agreement!” She paused seeming to be listening to the person on the other end, her hand constantly running through her long brown hair. “If you think I am scared of you Eric, you have another thing coming to you. I strongly recommend you abide by the terms of our agreement and leave me the fuck alone you absolute piece of shit.” She stated calmly as she ended the call and in a fit of anger threw her phone into the ocean with an aggressive yell. “Ahhhhh!”

Louis jaw dropped; he had never seen anyone do that before. Sure, there were times he felt like chucking his phone against a wall, but he had never done it before. He watched as she screamed to herself before falling to the ground and lying sprawled on the sand. “Goddamn piece of shit!” She yelled, clearly forgetting the neighbours would be able to hear her yelling.

He waited a few moments for her to calm down before making his presence known, he cleared his throat lightly, “You do know you just threw your phone in the ocean, yeah?”

The women’s head snapped up and looked at him a moment before she turned her attention back to the ocean. Her head falling back in laughter as she lay back down on the sand, “My god, I can’t believe I just did that. My brother is going to kill me.” She said more to herself as she continued to giggle at what she had just done.

Louis found her laughter infectious as he joined her, “It was very dramatic.”

He could see her nodding her head in agreement, “Innit. Never done that before.” She turned onto her stomach to look at him, resting her head on her arms. “I probably look like a right nutter.”

Louis waved her off, “Nah, we’ve all been there. Though first time I’ve seen someone actually throw their phone into the ocean.”

She laughed and hid her face in her arms, clearly embarrassed, “I really can’t believe I did that.” She paused before looking back up at him with a huge grin on her face, “But it felt so bloody fantastic.”

“I can imagine. Many a time I’ve wanted to throw mine at the wall.”

The girl pushed herself up with ease as she made her way over to him; there was something familiar about her to Louis, but he couldn’t quite place his finger on it, so he took a moment to look at her more closely. She couldn’t have been much taller than five feet or so, her long brown hair fell well past her shoulders in a mess of curls; she wore what looked like a loose black tank top, with a bright pink sports bra underneath topped off with a pair of black leggings that hugged her curves. Louis also noticed what looked like walkie talkie clipped to the waist band of her pants. Even in the darkness, with only the moon shining brightly above them for light, Louis could see the tan that coated her skin, giving her a honey golden glow; clearly she had been on the island for some time to develop the deep golden colour. As she drew closer he noticed that she wasn’t wearing any makeup, having a natural beauty to her that was subtle and comforting, as her friendly smile instantly put him at ease.

As she stood before him, he thought he saw a glimmer of recognition in her eyes, but it is was gone before he could be sure.

“Don’t think officially meeting your neighbour for the first time could have gone any better, yeah?” She laughed, “Is there any way you can forget about my little crazy moment there and we can start again?”

Louis thought about it for a moment, “I don’t think I am ever going to forget that, pretty epic.”

“Argh!” she exclaimed, “Come on man, work with me here!” Her eyes twinkling with amusement, as she threw her hands in the air before resting them on her hips.

“Sorry,” he said unapologetically.

“Fine… be that way.”

Louis laughed, finding their whole conversation refreshing.

“I should probably introduce myself, so when you tell everyone about this, you can say my name and not crazy neighbour,” she joked.

Louis stood up to shake her hand, “Mackenzie, but everyone calls me Mac.”

“Louis,” was all he offered before smiling genuinely at her, “Thanks for the entertainment tonight Mac, I needed it.”

Mac threw her had back in a full belly laugh, “Glad to be of service,” she smiled at him as she started to head to her house, “I’ll see you around Louis”

He nodded and watched as she made her way through the large white gate that blocked onlookers from seeing into her back yard. She turned and waved at him before she disappeared into her property.

Deciding it was time to head back to his own place for the night, it wasn’t until he was halfway through his nighttime routine, that he realized he still had a soft smile plastered on his face.

***

A few days later Louis was surprised to hear the doorbell ring, seeing as only Marcus knew his location, he cautiously made his way from the family room he was lounged in, watching the latest football match between Chelsea and Liverpool, that was from earlier in the day; he looked through the front door’s peephole and laughed as he saw a nervous Mac standing out front. He quickly opened the door as he greeted her, “Well isn’t this a surprise.”

She stood there in a pair of distressed boyfriend jeans that sat low on her hips and an oversized green flannel shirt that she had tied up in a low knot at her waist, her hair was tied up in a messy bun, and a pair of aviators protected her eyes from the bright afternoon sun.

“Well, I figured I really need to improve the first impression I made the other night, so I thought I would be very neighbourly and bring you some homemade chocolate chip cookies.” She said as she handed him a tin, which he presumed contained the aforementioned baked goods.

Louis tentatively opened the tin and was blessed with the smell of fresh baked cookies, his mouth watering as he took a deep breath, inhaling the chocolatey goodness.

“You didn’t have to do that,” he said sincerely, but had no intention of giving back the cookies.

She shrugged, shoving her hands in her back pockets, “Was nothing, needed something to distract me this morning.”

Louis smiled, “Well I guess,I should be neighbourly as well and offer you a cuppa tea as a thank you.”

“Oh no, you don’t need to do that.”

Louis waved her off, “Nonsense, I insist,” motioning for her to come in.

Mac beamed as she walked past him into the house, shoving her sunglasses onto of her head. She twirled around a few times as she took in the house, “Nice place, all the years I’ve had the house next door, never been in here.”

“Oh I see how it is, the cookies were just a ruse to secure an invite inside.”

Mac burst out laughing, “Damn, you caught on to my evil master plan!”

They both laughed as Louis led them into the small kitchen off the family room.

“How do you take your tea?”

“Spot of milk, please.”

“A girl after my own heart,” Louis teased, placing the tin of cookies on the counter.

“Only way to drink it.”

Louis nodded as he went about making them a pot of tea. He watched her out of the corner of his eye as she took in the details of the house. Other than the two bedrooms and bathroom, the rest of the house was open concept, with the back wall made entirely of glass, offering an abundance of natural light. Overall the house was decorated in a more contemporary modern style, not his usual preference, but it suited the house nicely.Her attention was eventually drawn to the family room that still had the football game playing.

He watched her for a few moments as she watched the game attentively, shaking her head at every bad pass or missed opportunity by Chelsea.

“Footie fan?” He asked casually, as he moved to stand beside her.

She snorted, “You could say that.”

He looked at her questioningly but she didn’t offer any additionally explanation. His attention was brought back to the television when he heard the referee blow a whistle.

“Shit” she swore quietly.

One of the Liverpool players had made a bad tackle and taken Fàbregas out hard, he was currently on the ground and looked to be in a lot of pain. The camera panned to the Chelsea manager, Danny Wynn, who had been Louis hero growing up, he was currently yelling up a storm at the ref, who had yet to book any Liverpool player on the tackle.

“It’s not a Chelsea game unless Wynn is up on the sidelines yelling,” he joked.

Mac seemed distracted for a moment as she watched Wynn, “He needs to calm the fuck down,” she muttered, and Louis wasn’t sure she was even talking to him. “He knows better,” she quietly added. Louis could hear the concern in her voice, he thought it was a bit unusual, but guessed she must be a bigger fan than she let on.

They both watched as Wynn kept yelling at the referee as Fàbregas was getting ready to be escorted off the field via stretcher. “Mom is going to kill him if he doesn’t calm the fuck down.”

Louis’ head snapped towards her at that. “The fuck?”

Mac’s eyes widened, clearly having not intended to say that out loud, “Uhh,” she stuttered.

It suddenly clicked why she looked familiar, “You’re Danny Wynn’s daughter?”

She paused for a few moments, as if contemplating how to answer before she nodded hesitantly, not offering anything more.

“I can’t believe this!” Louis couldn’t contain his enthusiasm, here in front of him was his football idol’s daughter. He was running through all the questions he wanted to ask her about hin, he just couldn’t wait to pick her brain about him. “He’s one of the greatest defenders in English football history!”

“I take it you’re a fan?” she said dryly.

“Are you fucking kidding me!” Louis jumped around in excitement, “He was my idol growing up as a kid. He was one of the reasons I wanted to be a footballer.”

“I’m sure he would be flattered to hear that.”

“Wow, can’t believe I have football royalty in my house.”

She blushed, “I don’t know about that.”

Louis shook his head, “No you are… your dad is a bloody brilliant footballer and manager. Chelsea has been killing it this year with him in charge and I’m not even a Chelsea fan!”

“I’m surprised you didn’t recognize me if you’re such a fan.”

Louis shrugged awkwardly, “I remember you from a few years back, you know back when you were inthe papers a lot.”

“Ah.” She said, turning her attention back to the game.

“Sorry.”

She waved him off, “Not your fault. I was a shit back in those days, drinking and acting out, typical celebrity child,” she shrugged and turned to look at him, “trying to forget you’re every move being photographed and used against you.” She paused, before adding hesitantly, “Guess you know all about that popstar.”

Louis nodded, frowning slightly, “So you did recognize me.”

She nodded, “Hard not to these days.”

Louis slinked back, trying to make himself appear smaller.

“Sorry I didn’t mean anything by that. As you just discussed, I clearly know what it is like, and that what is put in the papers isn’t the full story.”

He nodded, “They weren’t far off on some things.”

She nodded and gave him a friendly smile, resting her hand gently on his shoulder, “I recognized a fellow lost soul when I saw them.”

Louis didn’t know what to say, he suddenly remembered their forgotten tea and turned his attention back to finish making their drinks.

“Your sudden disappearance has caused quite a stir,” she said softly, “Everyone is very concerned that something bad happened to you.”

“Well obviously that isn’t the case,” he muttered irritably.

“I…” she paused, “I get it you know.”

He turned to look at her and waited for her to continue.

She sighed as she rubbed the back of her neck, “I’ve been there ya know. I get why you’ve gone into hiding. I just want you know that your secret is safe with me.”

“Oh.” He said quietly, as he turned to collect their tea, he motioned for her to follow him into the family room.

Sensing his hesitation around her, Mac added, “You aren’t the only one that is hiding out here right now. Since we both know each other’s identities now I figure we can both keep each other’s secret.”

Louis took a few moments, he couldn’t think of a reason why she would be hiding from the world, but out of anyone who could have discovered him here, he knew she at least understood what it was like. “I would appreciate that.”

She nodded, sipping her tea as she turned to watch the last minutes of the game. Louis wasn’t quite sure what to make of his neighbour, but something in his gut told him that he could trust her. He remembers a few years back, before he was ever in One Direction, her photos were all over every tabloid in the UK. She had appeared to be into a right mess, drinking, partying, sex and drugs. He remembers some of the stories were absolutely brutal, worse than anything he has ever read about himself. Then all of a sudden she disappeared, he vaguely remembers the headlines that came out a few years later, claiming the prodigal daughter returns, but he had been in the throes of One Direction, so he was too distracted at the time to pay any attention to her grand return to the public eye.

As the game was ending, they were pulled from the final whistle by a phone vibrating. Since Louis’ new phone sat quietly on his coffee table, he turned to Mac and smirked, “See you managed to replace your phone.”

“Shush you.” She snorted, as she pulled the phone from her back pocket as she read the message on her home screen, frowning slightly.

“Sorry, I need to head home,” she turned to him, “Thanks for the cuppa,” she smiled as she got up from the couch and brought her mug into the kitchen.

“Was nothing, least I could do seeing how you brought me those delicious cookies,” he said as he got up to walk her to the door.

She followed him to the front door before turning to him with a soft smile, turned to him, “Don’t be a stranger, yeah?”

He nodded, “Of course, you’re officially the only person I know on this island.”

Nodding she took a few steps out the door, “I’m glad you seem to be doing ok Louis, I was one of those who was worried about you” she said softly as she turned to leave.

Stunned, he could only watch as she made her way down the front path before making her way next door. Once she was out of sight Louis made his way inside and threw himself down on his couch, running a hand over his face, well that was unexpected, he thought. He couldn’t believe he just met Mackenzie Wynn. His first instinct was to call Niall, they were both such huge fans of her dad, and had tried over the years to secure a meet with him at a game, but so far had been unsuccessful. He just knew that Niall would bust a nut if he found out.

The thought made him terribly sad, he wanted to seek comfort in his friend and share this moment with him, but he knew he couldn’t, he was a bloody coward as he just wasn’t ready to pick up the phone just yet, so he waited for the moment pass. He grabbed the remote of the coffee table and tried to find something light to help distract him from going down a rabbit hole he just wasn’t ready to go own yet.

The next morning Louis was up surprisingly early, given he wasn’t much of a morning person, if he didn’t need to be up for work, he would easily sleep the morning away; feeling somewhat invigorated he decided to get up and head out for a surf rather than turn over and try and get a few more hour of sleep. Since he was heading out earlier than usual, he wasn’t surprised that he didn’t pass Mac on his way to the water.

There was something about surfing, and being out in the open ocean that Louis found calming. He felt grounded. The water provided him a sense of clarity that he only found in writing music. He sometimes thought of buying a boat and sailing around the world, but always thought better of it.

Louis spent a few hours surfing the waves and floating on his board, absorbing the morning sun, with his feet and hands dipped into the ocean to help keep him cool. His skin already had a healthy glow to it, and only got darker with each passing day. He wasn’t sure how long he lay on his board, as his mind began to wonder. Thinking about what the boys and his family were up to, trying to ignore the gnawing guilt in the pit of his stomach. He knew he needed to start to put his life together, figure things out, but he just couldn’t bring himself to start; truth was, he had no idea where to start. He had only had the house for just over two more months, and then he would need to figure out what was next. Did he want to release his own music? Write songs for other artists? Or avoid music all together and going in a completely new direction? When he planned to leave Hawaii he would still have a year to try and occupy with something before the supposed end of their hiatus. For the first time in a long time, Louis didn’t have the first clue as to how to keep himself busy and happy at the same time.

When the surf started to get busy, Louis paddled back towards his rental. As he approached the shore he couldn’t help but laugh as he saw Mac sprawled out on the beach in front of her house, with an arm thrown over her eyes as she appeared to be catching he breath. He hooked his surf board under his arm as he exited the water and approached her.

“Did you throw another phone into the ocean?”

Not looking up she laughed, “Rude,” she snorted, not bothering to look at him, “For the record, no I did not.”

He laughed and wedged his board into the sand before sitting down beside her. “No board today love?”

She shook her head, not removing her arm from her face, “Needed to work off some steam this morning, went for a swim instead.”

Louis raised his right eyebrow at her questioningly, “A swim?”

Mac threw her arm down to her side and titled her head one eye squinted open to look at him with a smirk on her face, “You know that thing you do in water where you kick your legs and paddle your arms.”

Louis couldn’t help be laugh, “Cheeky.”

“I try.” She rested her head back down on the sand and closed her eyes again, “But to answer your question, I swim along the shoreline when I need to work off some stress. The current provides good resistance and I eventually work out what I need to.”

“Eventually? How long were you out there?”

She raised her left arm, which Louis noticed had a black waterproof watch wrapped around her wrist, “Oh about an hour.”

Louis jaw dropped, “You swam for an hour… In the ocean!”

“Yup.” Was all she offered in response.

Louis couldn’t help but be impressed just swimming out to the waves was a huge workout of Louis, and he often had to pause a few times to rest his arms, he couldn’t imagine swimming for an hour straight, let alone against the current of the ocean.

“Show off,” he finally replied with a teasingg grin.

“Stick with me kid and you’ll be doing laps around the locals.”

Louis shook his head, “I don’t know about that. Not one for exercise if I’m honest.”

Mac turned on her side, and rested her head atop her wrist. “What else are you going to do while you’re hiding away from the world,” she challenged, “Besides, your skin and bone these days, you could use a little meat on you!”

“Oi!” Louis squeaked indignantly, “S’a bit rude there love.”

Mac just laughed as she looked at the pout on his face.

Louis was distracted from responding by a voice calling out from behind them, “Sorry to bother you Mackenzie.”

Mac turned her head towards the voice with a friendly smile on her face. Louis turned as well and was surprised to see an elder woman approach them, with what appeared to be a baby curled into her shoulder. Mac turned to look at Louis, biting her lip, as if pondering her next move, before she pushed herself up and walked over to the woman.

“Something wrong Kalea?”

“I just got a call from Leia’s school, she’s sick and they want me to come pick her up. I’m so sorry.”

Mac waved her off as she took the baby from her arms, “Don’t you apologize! Go and get Leia. Grace and I will be fine for the next couple of days, you just go take care of your daughter.” She smiled sincerely as she shooed the woman away. “Go.”

“Thanks Mackenzie, she’s been fed and I just changed her, so she should be good for a while.”

Mac smiled appreciateively and laughed, “Go!”

Louis stood and watched the other woman nod and scurry back to Mac’s house, disappearing behind the fence. “Looks like it’s just you and me this morning bean,” Mac said softly, as she kissed the baby’s forehead.

She turned to Louis and gave him a awkward smile, “So, umm, this is my daughter Grace,” she said as she turned the baby to face him; her tuffs of brown hair sticking out from all angles, her blues eyes bright as her mouth opening and closing as she smacking her gums against each other. There was no denying she was one of the cutest babies he had ever seen.

“She’s beautiful.” He said as he waved a tiny finger at her.

“Thanks, she’s pretty amazing.”

“So you have a daughter.”

She nodded, “Yeah,” she paused, “Umm…it’s kind of a long and messy story.”

“Guess that’s why you’re here then.”

The pair stared awkwardly at each other for a few minutes, neither knowing what to say. Sighing Mac broke her silence, “Uh… why don’t you come over for dinner tonight and we can talk.”

“That’s not necessary.”

She waved him off, “No I want to. Will be nice to have a dinner conversation that doesn’t include baby talk,” she joked.

Louis hesitated for a moment, “If you’re sure.”

She nodded, “Yeah, besides, you look like you could use a proper meal.”

Louis laughed, “I will admit that does sound appealing.”

“Then it’s settled. Come any time after 5. You don’t have any food allergies or weird popstar fad diets I should be aware of?”

He laughed as he shook his head, “No, I’ll eat anything, besides, we leave the hipster diets to Harry.”

“Somehow that doesn’t surprise me. Well I will see you later tonight?”

“See you then love.”

Mac made her way back to her place as Louis grabbed his surf board and made his way back to his.It was just past ten in the morning, so he had seven hours to kill. He grabbed a quick shower and made himself some breakfast, which consisted of nothing but cereal and a cup of tea, before he sat in front of the TV trying to find something interesting to watch.

The day passed slowly for Louis, he spent most of the day on the couch watching TV, but at one point he did pull out his phone to do a quick google search on Mackenzie Wynn, he really didn’t know much about her, and she seemed to know all about his recent headlines, he felt he needed level the playing field. He was surprised to learn that there were no announcements that she had a child, not even a whisper. Whoever her PR was, they were impressive and after a few more google key words, he was once again surprised, Mac and her brother Dominic ran their own sports entertainment management company, THentIK. So it was no wonder no one knew where she was and that she was hiding a baby.

From what he could find, they had formed the company not long after Mac graduated from the University Berkley in California. They had an impressive list of clients, and he was kind of dumbfounded that he had never heard of their company before. They appeared to be doing really well, given who they were representing. Curious he began to look up more and more on the company and the siblings. They were well respected in the industry, and spent a good portion of their time working with charities to promote their causes pro bono. It was hard to do, especially given his experience, but Louis was impressed. The sense he got from their website, the various articles he could find, and some comments from their current and former clients, they ran a no bullshit company and appeared to actually give a crap about their clients and others. Louis figured, with them both growing up in the spotlight, probably gave them a unique perspective in managing their clients.

Along with Mac’s unknown daughter, this was a surprising new layer to his neighbor. He knew there was no way that she could have known that he would rent the house next door, but given his past experience, he couldn’t help but worry about what having her live next door could mean for him. Logically he knew he was being ridiculous, she had given him no indication that she was being anything but sincere, but he couldn’t help but go back and forth on whether or not he should cancel their dinner.

He spent so much time in his head, imagining every possible situation that could arise, that he was completely taken off guard when the clock on the TV showed it was ten to five. Sighing he pushed himself off the couch and made his way to this bedroom, for a quick change of clothes, figuring it would be a total dick move to cancel at this point. He changed into one of his favorite pairs of black skinny jeans, and a cream colored Adidas Alexander Wang sporty logo tee which had a stacked, upside-down Trefoils on the front plus inside-out 3-Stripes down the sides, that fit looser on his body than he remembered, guess she wasn’t wrong about the skin and bones comment, he had thought to himself as she starred at his reflection in the bathroom mirror before heading out.

He didn’t pay much attention on the short walk over as he quickly found himself knocking on Mac’s door, trying to remind himself to play it cool. She opened the door with a smile on her face, “Louis, come in, come in,” she ushered him in and motioned for him to follow her.

He couldn’t help but marvel at the house he just entered. It was a beautiful open concept home, with dark marble flooring, and warm cream colored walls, that gave you the feeling of comfort as you entered. Mac went right to the kitchen, placing the skillet back on the element as she turned to look at him.

“Can I get you anything to drink? I don’t have much in terms of alcohol, but I think I have some wine somewhere, but I have plenty of soda.”

He smiled, truth is, ever since he got to the Island, he had been pretty much avoiding alcohol, he knew he wasn’t an alcoholic, but after the past eight months, the events and Liam’s and the doctor’s orders it had really lost all appeal, “Coke would be just find love, if you got it.”

Nodding, she opened her fridge and pulled out a can, she cracked it open with a familiar hiss, as she opened one of the cabinets and pulled out a tall glass and poured the contents of the can in. “Here you go, if you want another, help yourself, there is plenty in the fridge.”

“Cheers,” he said as he raised his glass to her. “Swanky pad you got here.”

“Why thank you. It is my safe haven,” she smiled, her eyes letting him know how much she loved her house, “I bought it a few years ago, to have a place to get away from everything. Sometimes I dream about just leaving everything behind in London and staying here forever,” she paused and gave him a sad smile, “It is just so peaceful here.”

He nodded in agreement, there was something about the island that just calmed you. It didn’t take more than a few hours after he landed to know he had picked the right spot to regroup.

“Dinners almost ready, Grace is over in her bouncy swing,” pointing to the family room, “if you want to say hi and have a seat, I figure we could just eat in there and find something to watch on the telly.”

“Sounds perfect to me.”

She shooed him out of the kitchen and he made his way over to Grace who was happily sitting in her little bouncy chair. She kicked her legs up and started to clap her hands as soon as she saw him. He put his glass on the coffee table and knelt down in front of her, “Well hello there little love, what’s got you all excited?” he said softly to her, as she continued to bounce around.

He couldn’t help but smile at the baby, she was pure joy. Louis always loved kids, there was just something about them that exuded happiness, Grace was no exception. He started to pull some funny faces at her, and was rewarded with peals of laughter, that brought a big smile to his face.

“She likes you,” Mac said from behind him, startling him.

“She’s got good taste.”

“Cheeky,” she laughed.

He turned to give her a wink before returning his attention back to Grace, who was making a grabbing motion with her hands at him, “Looks like you want to come spend some quality time with the Tommo their little love.”

He lifted her from the confines of her chair and lifted her above his head before planting a big kiss on her cheek, “Much better,” he said as he made his way over to the couch. He sat down on the couch and bounced Grace on his lap as they made funny faces at each other. She had the best laugh and her eyes just light up when she did, in that moment Louis felt like he didn’t have a care in the world.

“You’re good with kids,” he jumped slightly, careful to not drop Grace, Mac was now standing just be the end of the sofa with two plates in her hands.

“Comes with the job,” he smiled as she sat down, placing the plates in front of them, “and also have six younger siblings.”

“Six! Your poor mother!”

Louis laughed and nodded, “Ya, we certainly don’t make things easy on her.”

“I can imagine. Seven children. I struggle with just one!”

“And two sets of twins in there as well.”

“Your joking,” she said, her face in awe, “Your mother is my hero.”

Louis’ attention was pulled from Mac when Grace gently slapped his cheek demanding his attention. “Oi there little love!” He laughed, as he grabbed her hand pretending to eat it causing Grace to laugh and try and hit him again.

Mac smiled fondly at the pair, “why don’t I put her on the ground, she can crawl around a bit while we eat?”

Louis nodded and handed Grace over to her, “She’s a sweet kid.”

“Cheers, haven’t messed things up too badly yet.”

Louis turned to his plate, his mouth watering as he inhaled the fresh aromas of pasta. “Looks delicious.”

“Hope it tastes alright, is my grandmother’s recipe, and the only meal I had all the ingredients for,” she laughed as she began to eat her meal.

They sat in relative silence as they ate their dinner, commenting on the surfing conditions the past few days, the upcoming Chelsea game that weekend, and watching the goofy faces that Grace made as she rolled around on the floor.

When they were done, Louis cleared the plates in the kitchen as Mac informed him that she was going to put Grace down for the night. Left alone, Louis took a closer look at the place, there were baby items spread all through the house, making the whole house feel lived in, and the walls and mantles were cluttered with family photos. This was a home.

“Tea?” Mac asked as she re-entered the family room, baby monitor in hand.

“That’d be lovely.”

“Milk right?”

“Ta,” he nodded.

“Go on a find something on the telly and I will bring our tea in a minute.”

Louis wasn’t having much luck finding anything on cable, when he switched over to Netflix, seeing his favorite movie, he hit play. Just as the familiar opening to _Grease_ played, Mac set their tea and some cookies in front of them.

“Oooh, good choice, love this movie.”

Louis gave her a bright smile, his eyes crinkling as he did, “Best movie ever!”

As they watched the opening sequence of the movie, Louis could tell that Mac was distracted, she was fiddling nervously with her hands.

“You know we don’t have to talk about anything, really none of my business.”

Mac turned her attention to him, giving him a grateful smile, “I appreciate that. I don’t mind talking about it, some of it is going to have to come out when I return home to London. It’s one thing to hide a pregnancy, another to hide a child.”

He nodded and let her continue as he causally sipped his tea.

“I, uh, I met Grace’s father about two years ago in LA. We hit it off immediately, he was charming, funny, seemed to know what he wanted to do with his life, it was everything I thought I wanted. Given he was based mostly out of LA, the fact of who my father was and that I hadn’t really dated anyone publicly since my little debacle, we thought it best to keep our relationship as private as we could.”

“Makes sense,” he said.

“Little did I know that the reason he wanted to keep things private was that he was married.”

Louis’ jaw dropped, he was not expecting that.

“Yup, don’t I know how to pick them. I didn’t find out until I told Eric I was pregnant and he freaked out. I was gutted, I was all excited to start this new life with him, and he was already married with two kids. I have never felt so humiliated in my life.”

“Jesus what an arse.”

“Yup. Devastated I went back to London, but Eric wouldn’t leave me alone, kept calling me to tell me to get rid of the kid, that once it was gone we could still be together.”

Louis shook his head; he couldn’t believe that guys like that existed.

“Dom really saved me, ya know, he took care of everything. He got Eric to sign over all his rights, got a restraining order and non-disclosure agreement all signed before I went into labour. I have never been so grateful for my brother than during those last months I was pregnant. I thought once it was all signed it would be over with and I could move on. Once I had Grace, it was hard to look at her without feeling ashamed. It was my mother who suggested I take some time away from work and everyone and get to know and love my daughter, and accept the fact that none of what happened was my fault and it wasn’t Grace’s either.”

“Your mom sounds like a smart woman.”

Mac smiled, as she wiped away a stray tear form her eye, “She is the best, but don’t tell her I told you that.”

Louis laughed, “Our little secret.”

Taking a deep breath, she continued, “Grace and I have been here for about four months, we left London when she was almost two months old. I had managed to keep it from the public, not sure how I was going to explain her, figured I would have it all sorted by the time I went home,” she paused, “still working on that part really. Anyways, Eric started calling about a month ago, seems his wife found out threw him out and is divorcing him, while trying to go after everything he as.”

Frustrated, she ran a hand through her hair, “So he’s decided he wants to blackmail me to keep Grace out of the press and our whole sordid history.”

“Jesus.”

“Dom’s working on it, the agreements he signed are iron clad, he speaks his divorce is going to be the least of his legal troubles. Doubt the idiot even read the documents before he signed.”

Louis snorted, “Doesn’t sound like the brightest bulb so you are probably right.”

Shrugging she turned to him, “So that is the gist of it. Grace and I are hiding out from the world and my crazy ex as we bond.”

This was certainly not what he expected to learn when he came over for dinner, “Thanks for sharing that with me, you definitely didn’t have to.”

She nodded, “I know, but it was actually kind of nice to get it all out there.”

“Glad you thought you could trust me with that.”

She beamed, “Of course, I figure since we are already neighbours, maybe we could be friends too… ya know, if you want, and umm, well friends share. I want you to be able to trust me and I figured no better way to kick that off then share my mess of a life with you” she finished awkwardly.

Louis thought about it for a moment, when he originally escaped to Hawaii, he figured he would be spending the time alone with his thoughts, but after having spent some time with Mac, the idea of having a friendly face to talk to, especially someone who could relate to him, was kind of appealing. “Friends would be brilliant love.”

“Ya? Great!” her smile infectious as she settled back in the sofa.

They spent the rest of the movie laughing and singing along. Louis couldn’t remember the last time he enjoyed himself more. Mac was hilarious in her bad impressions of the cast and the two of them spent more time trying to outperform the other than actually just sitting and watching the movie. When the movie was over, he was actually disappointed, he hadn’t realized how much he missed just hanging out, no expectations, just a good laugh. They said their goodbyes, exchanged numbers and promised to make plans to hang out soon.

Louis walked back to his place with a smile on his face, he needed tonight. He needed to remember the good things in life. The whole evening had not been what he expected. Realizing he got himself all worked up for nothing. If he hadn’t found out himself that she worked in the industry he never would have believed it, she just didn’t seem the type. He hadn’t expected Mac to come into his life, but he was starting to think that maybe she was exactly what he needed.

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all, 
> 
> Thanks again for all the lovely comments on the story, I love hearing from you. I hope you are all enjoying it. The first few chapters are a slow build, but I promise some Louis and 1D interaction soon, and some Louis and Harry is to come. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter, as always your comments, questions, etc. are more than welcomed!
> 
> All the love,
> 
> Lucy

**-4-**

_If you ever felt one breaking, You'd never want a heart_

 

Ever since his dinner at Mac’s, Louis has spent every day for the past month with his neighbours; he even found himself up earlier than normal to go surfing with Mac as Kalea watched Grace. He couldn’t believe how fast his time on the island was going. Louis still hadn’t called anyone from back home to let them know he was ok; every time he picked up his old cellphone to turn on, he managed to talk himself out of it, and then quickly tucked it back into his luggage. Every day he didn’t call he felt guilty, but he just didn’t know what to say, to any of them.

Physically he was getting stronger each day. He finally quit smoking, hadn’t had a drink since he got to the island, he was eating better, thanks to Mac’s cooking, and he was actually excursing daily. On top of his morning surfs, Mac would convince him to go for hikes around the island, and he would always end up carrying Grace, so he actually now had some muscle definition, rather than just skin and bones. He felt better, stronger, at least physically.

Mentally was a whole other story; he hadn’t really thought about everything that he was keeping bottled up inside, just waiting to explode. He only had a few weeks until his rental expired, to which he had been informed he couldn’t renew as someone else had already reserved it, so his time on this island had an expiration date, and that brought a whole new level of anxiety to Louis.

He wasn’t ready to go back and face the world. He was enjoying the little bubble he was currently hiding in with Mac and Grace. He and Mac had become fast friends, they had more in common than either of them had originally thought, they were both goofy and would often get up to something ridiculous that had the two of them in stitches when they were done. For the most part they steered away from any heavy discussions, though Mac would let him know that she was there when he was ready.Louis also greatly enjoyed the time he spent with Grace; she would light up every time she saw him and the two would spend hours just laughing each other as they crawled around the floor. She was a great distraction from the real world; she didn’t ask questions, all she wanted was for him to make funny faces at her, while she clapped her hands against his cheeks. He was more than happy to oblige.

Tonight though, Louis was sitting alone in his family room staring at his old cell phone. He hadn’t dared turn it on yet, but Marcus had been harassing him every day to call his family, saying he didn’t want to keep lying to his mother when he knew perfectly well where Louis was and when he was expected to be back. The guilt in the pit of his stomach that he had been ignoring was finally too strong for him to ignore. Making an excuse to Mac about being tired and wanting an early night, he had come home to take his cell phone out of its hiding place, only to have it sit on the coffee table for the past hour, daring him to turn it on.

 _Come on Louis, don’t be an even bigger baby than you already are, it is just a phone_ , he thought to himself as he reached for the phone for the hundredth time that night. This time he managed to pick up, _now I just need to turn it on and I’m winning_ , he thought. He paused for several breaths before he finally held down on the power button, waiting to see the familiar apple appear. It was several more moments before it asked for his password, and another few while it searched for a network. What Louis was not prepared for was the moment the phone linked up to the network and began downloading all the missed text and voice messages he had. He was well over a hundred text messages, and was sure his voicemail was full. He opened the text message app, figuring they would be safer to read angry messages than getting yelled at via voicemail. Most of the messages were from the boys, his family and few other friends.

Deciding to take the bull by the horn he opened the messages from Liam first. It didn’t take long for Louis to feel awful as he read through each message, they started off asking if he could pop over for a visit to talk about what happened at his place, asking where he was after Liam had clearly gone to his house and not finding any trace of Louis, then moved to saying how worried he was, did he need to talk, then as time went his messages were got angrier, demanding to know where he was, was he ok, how disappointed he was that he was behaving so childishly and not letting any of them know where he was and if he was ok. He didn’t want to read the others, but he knew he had to.

He moved on to Niall’s, whose messages were similar to Liam’s, but ended with _I don’t know what’s going on with you Tommo… you’re scarring me… please just let us know you’re ok, we’re here for you when you need us._ That last message seemed to be from a week ago; Niall had clearly given up on contacting him and was leaving the ball in his court.

Finally, he came to Harry’s messages, he was actually surprised that he was who sent the most messages, he didn’t even think Harry would have noticed he was gone. As he read through Harry’s messages he couldn’t help but feel a desperation to them that wasn’t there with the other boys, he was all but begging Louis to let him know where he was and that he was ok, which made no sense to Louis. They barely spoke to each other, he was sure half the time Harry didn’t even know what city Louis was in. So his sudden concern didn’t make sense to him, but didn’t stop Louis from feeling absolutely horrible. The last few messages he sent though, Louis was not prepared for.

_Fuck you Louis only you would be so selfish as to run off when life got a little hard._

_You are so selfish, here we all are worried about you, and you don’t care probably off having a grand ol time drinking & partying away. _

_Don’t know why I care…not going to waste any more of my time worrying about you, since you clearly don’t care about any of us you selfish bastard._

That last message was from yesterday. Louis was gutted. He wasn’t sure when he started crying, but his eyes and cheeks were wet from his tears as he read all of the messages. He could feel the resentment, disappointment and anger coming through Harry’s texts.

His mind was racing, he couldn’t stop going through every unrealistic thought he could come up with. He was such a fuck up. He kept making a mess of everything; he was now sure more than ever the boys would want nothing to do with him. He should just stay gone, no one wold miss him. Each thought kept replaying over and over again. Not knowing what else to do, he sent a lone text back to Harry, _I’m sorry_ , was all he wrote in reply.

His heart started pounding; he began to feel antsy, like he needed to keep moving, he couldn’t settle. All of a sudden it felt like his skin was crawling. He started to pace the room as the thoughts in his head continued to scream at him. He didn’t know what was happening and didn’t know how to stop it. Panicking he threw his phone against the wall, smashing it into tiny pieces

“Fuck!” He yelled. Why couldn’t he just get it right for once.

Louis turned and marched his way into the kitchen, quickly opening up the cabinet beside the fridge that housed all the alcohol he had originally bought that sat untouched. _Fuck it_ , he thought, _got nothing else to lose._

Louis began to pour himself drink after drink as all the negative thoughts he had been trying to avoid for god knows how long were playing on repeat in his head. _You’re the ugly one of the group. You are the weakest singer and everyone knows it. They only keep you around because they pity you. No one is ever going to love a loser like you. You are such a disappointment. You are the least favorite in the group, the fans only tolerate you. You are going to spend the rest of your life alone._

Louis didn’t know how to turn them off, so he kept drinking. Drinking to make it numb, make him forget, make it all go away.

And that is exactly what he did.

****

Louis slowly returned to conscious. The first thing he was aware of was the pounding in his head as a constant beeping noise in the background felt like a hammer to his head with every beep. _What the hell did I do last night_ , he thought to himself. He squeezed his eyes a few times trying to open them. His eyes felt so heavy it took several moments before he was able to open them halfway. He looked around the unfamiliar room and started to panic.

“Louis, love, calm down, you’re alright.”

Louis knew that voice. It came from beside him. He slowly turned his head towards the voice, and saw Mac and Grace sitting on a chair beside him. He tried to speak but he was suddenly overcome by an intense burning in his throat. Seeing his distress, Mac spoke softly to him, “You are in the hospital Louis.”

His eyes widened in surprise, _why was he in the hospital?_ The last thing he remembers is playing on the beach with Grace.

Mac continued to feed Grace as she spoke to him, never taking her eyes off him, “You almost drank yourself to death. I, uh, I found you yesterday morning, you were passed out in a pile of vomit, I could barely feel your heartbeat,” Mac whipped a tear from her eye, “You really scared me Louis.”

Unable to find any words, the only way Louis felt he could comfort her was to reach his hand out to her. When their hands connected, he squeezed hers, trying to convey how sorry he was.

Coughing she pulled her hand away, moving it to the call button beside the bed. “The nurse should be in shortly hopefully give you something to drink to help with your throat, know it must be painful. Although the quiet is kind of nice,” she tried to joke.

He smiled and managed to weakly stick his tongue out at her.

Minutes later, a nurse appeared in his room, “You buzzed Ms. Wynn?”

Mac nodded to the bed, “He is awake.”

The nurse turned her attention to Louis, “Wonderful!” She came closer to the bed and did a quick check on him “I am going to page the doctor and we will give you a more thorough checking Mr. Tomlinson, you gave your fiancé quite a scare there.” With that she was out the door.

At the word fiancé Louis’ head snapped to Mac, who had a guilty look on her face, “I had to tell them we were engaged and you were Grace’s father, otherwise they weren’t going to tell me anything.”

He nodded and they waited in silence for the doctor to arrive.

It didn’t take long for the doctor to make his way into the room. “Good to see you awake Mr. Tomlinson.”

Louis nodded at the doctor.

“I am going to do a quick check to see how you are doing. Do you have any pain or discomfort anywhere?”

Louis thought about it a moment, before reaching for his throat and stomach, and hoarsely whispered, “It hurts”

The doctor nodded, “The nurse has gone to get you some ice chips to suck on to help with your throat, so that should hopefully help you. Your stomach is going to hurt for a few days. We had to pump your stomach and induce vomiting.”

“Am I going to be ok?” he managed to croak.

“We are going to run some blood tests to make sure all your levels have gone back to normal, but you should be fine in a few days.” The doctor turned to Mac, “Do you mind giving us a few minutes?”

Louis went to protest but she just smiled and nodded, “No problem, we’ll be out in the hall when you are finished.”

When Mac left, the doctor took her seat. “I need to ask you some sensitive questions Mr. Tomlinson. Given the amount of alcohol in your system, I have to ask if you were trying to hurt yourself?”

Louis looked shocked as he shook his head, “I… no… I wouldn’t do that.”

The doctor nodded, “Alright, do you know why you drank so much?”

“No, I don’t remember even drinking, I haven’t really been drinking the past few months.”

“Ok, that is not surprising, you may remember something in a few days’ time. If you remember I strongly recommend you talk to someone, help you better understand why you drank like you did.”

Louis nodded, “I will.”

“Good. I am going to order a few tests, and if everything looks good, we will discharge you later today into the care of your fiancé.”

“Thank you.”

“Make sure you take better care of yourself Mr. Tomlinson.” Louis just nodded as he watched the doctor leave.

It was several hours later that Mac took Louis back to her place, she had told him that he wasn’t supposed to be on his own for a few days, so she and Kalea had cleaned up his place and moved his belongings into one of her guest rooms. When he went to argue, Mac just sent him a pointed look, and he promptly closed his mouth.

When they entered her house she turned to him, “I am going to put Grace down for a nap, why don’t you go into the family room, I’ll put the kettle on and join you.”

Louis nodded as he knew he really didn’t have a say in the matter. He threw himself on the sofa, he had been racking his brain all day, but he couldn’t seem to remember what happened that night.

“You scared the shit out of me Louis.”

Startled, he looked up and saw her walk into the room with two mugs. She placed one in front of him before going to sit on the opposite end of the sofa. She looked down into her tea as she whispered, “I thought you were dead when I found you.”

“I am so sorry Mac. I honestly have no idea why I would do something so stupid, but I am sorry.”

She nodded, “You smashed your phone against the wall, I figured maybe you had a bad news from home or something.”

“Guess you were a bad influence,” he joked.

Mac tried to hide the grin that was forming on her lips, “shut up.”

“I really don’t know what went wrong that night Mac, all I have is this blank space after we spent the day on the beach with Grace.”

“I just… you’re…” she stuttered, “I know it may seem crazy… but you’ve become like my best friend these past two months.”

Louis smiled and nodded, he moved on the couch taking the mug from her hands and placing in on the table, “Come give us a cuddle,” he said as he moved them to lie down on the couch. Mac tucked her face into his neck as his arms wrapped around her. “You’ve become my best friend too love. I wasn’t expecting for you to come into my life when I left LA, but I am glad you did.”

She nodded and held on to him tighter. Louis wasn’t sure how long they laid there like that for before Mac pulled away slightly to look at him. “I don’t want to lose you in my life Louis. Promise me you won’t do anything like that again.”

“I promise love, I promise.”

****

Louis spent the next few days at Mac’s place recovering. His stomach finally stopped feeling like he had gone ten rounds with an MMA fight and he was now able to handle a normal solid meal. He was lounging on the floor with Grace as they inspected all her toys when Mac came in, dressed in her workout clothes, which Louis always laughed at, as Mac loved to wear the brightest colours possible to work out in. Today was bright pink and lime green.

She moved to pick Grace up on the floor and bent over for Grace to give Louis a kiss, “Say bye to Louis bean.”

Grace laughed and tapped and gave him a wet kiss. “See you later love.” Louis smiled as he watched Mac pass Grace off to Kalea.

She turned to him with her hands on her waist, “Off your lazy bum, we are going out.”

Louis looked at her questioningly, but she left no room for argument, “Up!”

“Sure are bossy this morning.” He looked down at his shorts and old t-shirt, “Do I need to change?”

“Nope, you’re fine, though you’ll probably end up with your shirt off at some point, hot as fuck out there today.”

“Is that a proposition love?”

Mac threw her head back as she laughed, “Don’t be cheeky.”

Louis just smiled at her, his eyes crinkling with amusement. He followed her out the patio door and down to the beach. The nice thing about their location was they were able to walk along the beach for what felt like miles and miles.

Louis had to laugh, Mac was right; it was hot out today, so it wasn’t long before Louis had to take off his t-shirt, hooking it into the back pocket of his shorts.

“Bow chicka wow wow.” Mac called from beside him.

“Sod off.”

Mac just smiled at him as they continued to walk in silence for a while longer, before they arrived at a more secluded part of the beach and she sat down in the sand, her legs bent as she leaned back on her hands, starring out at the ocean. Shrugging, he sat down beside her. “Is there a reason for our little walk?” He finally after a few minutes of silence.

Mac took a few minutes to respond, “You’re supposed to head back soon yeah?”

He nodded, “Yeah, place is already rented, need to be out in less than 2 weeks now.”

“Do you think you are ready to go back?”

Louis took a moment to think about it, he was absolutely terrified to go back to London, he knew everyone was going to be upset with him, and he was still no further along in figuring things out. He had done an excellent job at avoiding it the past few months.

“I don’t know,” he finally muttered.

Mac leaned forward and wrapped her arms around her legs before gently resting her head on her knees as she turned to look, “Why did you run away Louis.”

Louis looked at her, opening and closing his mouth several times, not sure how to answer her.

Sensing his hesitation to open up, “You can trust me Louis. I’m not here to judge you, I can promise you, there is nothing you could say that would ever change how much I care for you. Before you can go home I think you need to admit out loud why you left in the first place.”

Louis knew he was right; it was hard for him to put everything into words. He also wanted to open up to her, he missed having someone to confide in, but he was scarred. He let Harry in and he left him, then he let Zayn in, and he left too. Louis didn’t think he could handle letting someone else in only to have them leave him again. People have been doing it to him his whole life. He didn’t know what it was about him that made people leave.

“I want to tell you but I don’t know where to start.” He admitted.

“Start wherever you feel comfortable, I know it is scary to let people in, especially to let them in to see the bad along with the good. Afraid at any moment they will leave you.”

Louis sucked in a breath as she spoke; Mac always had this ability to know what he was feeling. “You forget Louis, I have been where you are. I recognize a lot of my younger self when I look at you.”

Louis exhaled loudly as he turned back to look at the ocean, taking a moment to collect his thoughts before he spoke. “I guess I ran away cause I was scaring myself, I made a right mess of things last year,” he started, “I made a deal with our former management team to basically be their whipping boy for a year so the boys could get the break they wanted so badly. I thought I was doing the right thing. By taking the deal I thought I was saving us from having to go through a lengthy legal battle with our label and management.”

“You didn’t want it?” she asked softly.

He shook his head, “No, I loved being in the band, I loved performing and seeing all the smiling faces of our fans, there is no greater high. I got why they wanted a break, but I thought maybe a few months, get some rest and be back at it, but they wanted a lot longer, be able to do their own thing for a while. They had all these great plans, made me feel like they didn’t really want to get back together as a band if they could give it a go on their own.”

“Did they ever say they wanted the band to break up?”

“No, kept calling it a hiatus, but I wouldn’t be surprised. They are all so talented on their own, they wouldn’t need the band to be successful.”

“And you think you do?”

He shrugged, “We all know I was the weakest link in the band.”

“I don’t believe that for a second. You are so talented Louis. I know you and Liam wrote most of the songs on your last few albums. Your voice is so lovely and unique, I can always tell when you aren’t singing. You are way more talented than you are giving yourself credit for. Given the chance, I think you could blow everyone away.”

Louis could feel a slight blush form on his cheeks, “Thanks. Wish I had your confidence”

“You just need to believe in yourself. Seeing you perform and do interviews I would have never guessed you were so insecure babe. Whoever made you feel you weren’t good enough?”

That was a loaded question he thought. He had been told all his life he wasn’t good enough, would never really make anything of himself, probably why he was holding on to the band so tightly, it was the first time where he felt they were wrong. “Where do I start,” he tried to laugh.

“Louis.”

“S’fine love. I, uh, I guess I always felt like I was never anything special. When I was young, I was never the best at school, teachers pretty much just washed their hands of me. Music and Drama were pretty much the only things I was any good at. When we got put together in a band on X-factor, I was sure it was a dream. The other boys were so talented, I knew we could be big given the chance, I know I goofed around more than I should have, used to drive Liam insane, but I had never wanted anything more. Lot of people were surprised that I was placed in the band. The comments on my looks and voice pretty much started from day one. It hurt a lot at first, you know, people who you don’t even know judging you. It took me a long time to be able to make it hurt a little less, but it never really ever goes away.”

He took a deep breath as he got lost for a moment in the memories of their X-factor days. “When we signed the record deal with Syco, we were all so young and naïve, we knew nothing about how the game was played. The label and management made it pretty clear that I was never going to be one of the lead voices, but would be there in the background. I didn’t really mind, was just happy to be along for the ride.”

Louis looked over at Mac, who gave him a reassuring smile to continue, “So as time went on, I pretty much stayed in the background, focusing mainly on writing songs, while the other boys were pushed more towards the front. I think since a lot of fans already had a low opinion of me, they decided to use that to their advantage. So it was easy for me to become the resident bad boy, able to spice up the drama around the band. No one was really surprised,” He shrugged, “I figured it was better me than one of the other boys.”

“I think you underestimate your following Louis, your fans adore you and would literally go to the ends of the earth to support you if you let them.”

“I don’t know about that, but I do love all our fans, we wouldn’t be who we are without them, I am happy to do what is needed so we can keep making them happy.”

Mac hummed in thought for a moment, “You seem to be willing to give up a lot to protect your fans and the boys.”

He nodded, “Of course. Those boys are my best mates, there is nothing I wouldn’t do for them.”

“Don’t you think they feel the same way about you? Do you think, given the choice, they would want you take this all on yourself? Surely they don’t expect you to take on all the burdens of the world for them!”

He shrugged, “They don’t know. Didn’t want them to have any more stress than they needed.”

“Jesus Louis,” she muttered, “Bloody martyr you are.”

“No, nothing like that. I don’t mind taking care of them, as long as they are happy.”

“But what about your happiness? Don’t you think they feel the same way about you? Doesn’t your happiness matter to them? You can’t tell me you have been happy these past few years. I don’t believe they would want you take on all the bands burdens all on your on Louis,” She paused, taking a deep breath, letting it out slowly before she continued, “being dishonest with them, and you taking on all that responsibility, isn’t fair to you, and it isn’t fair to them. To have any longevity in this business, you can’t keep thinks from your bandmates Louis, once the trust is gone, it is hard to get back. I know you were only trying to do what you thought was best, but how you were going about it wasn’t sustainable. I am really surprised you didn’t burn out sooner.”

Louis didn’t know how to respond. He hadn’t really thought about it like that before. He was always just focused on protecting the boys, he didn’t think that by not having them deal with things as a band he was denying them the responsibility of being in the band. “Guess you’re right.”

“It has been known to happen on occasion,” she joked as she bumped his shoulder with her elbow. “You haven’t really talked about the boys since you’ve been here, tell me about them,” she asked softly.

Louis couldn’t help the smile on his face as he thought about them, even with his broken friendship with Harry, Louis still cared greatly for him. “They are the best lads in the world,” Louis started, before going on in detail about each of the boys. Telling her some of his favorite stories about them. Mac laughed along with him, saying she hoped to meet them one day, as they sounded like they would be fun to hang out with. For the most part Louis focused on Liam and Niall, only mentioning his time with Harry from the early years.

“Sounds like you are Harry were really close,” She had asked after one of his stories about the shenanigans that he and Harry got up to when they shared the flat in London.

Louis couldn’t help the smile that formed on his face as he thought about those first two years, “He was my best friend, there was no one I was closer with, he was my everything. He was just so innocent back then, I would have sold my soul to protect him, came close a few times.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like I said, we were naïve when we signed all our contracts. When Harry and I told management about our sexualities, we thought we could trust them and we would just have had to keep it quiet. Turns out they wanted to make it very clear that we were both nothing but 100% heterosexual. Hence the PR stunts, which I don’t have to explain to you. The stunts were hard for Harry, each time he had to go through one, it dimed his sparkle a little more each time, he is such a gentle soul, so I went to management and convinced them to let me take the brunt of them.”

“You cared for him a great deal.”

“Yeah, I did.”

“Were you more than friends?”

His head whipped around to stare at her, his eyes narrowing as he answered, “No, why would think that?”

She shrugged her shoulders, “I heard the rumors that used to follow you two around.”

“No, we were never anything more than friends.”

“Did you want to be?”

Louis thought for a moment, “Didn’t really think about too much back then. Didn’t really think someone like him could ever fall for someone like me I guess.”

Mac shook her head at him, but didn’t comment on his clear lack of confidence.

“And now?”

“Now… well now we are strangers. If it doesn’t have to do with the band, we don’t really speak.”

“What happened, odd to go from how you two were to nothing.”

“Tell me about it. I have no bloody idea what happened. One day we were living happily together in our flat in London, and the next he moved out to LA and wouldn’t return my calls.”

“He never said anything about it to you?”

“Not a word, the boys have all tried, but he just ignores the question. He tore my bloody heart out and I figured I just wasn’t worth being friends with any more, he just moved on to bigger and better things. Theme of my life really.” He laughed bitterly. “Sucks when you let people in and they just up and leave no explanation really. Hard not to think it is because of you.”

“I know it sucks, but them leaving you Louis, is not your fault.”

He sighed and turned back to look at the ocean, “Logically, yeah, but I am not always the most logical.”

Mac laughed, “Tell me about it.”

“Oi!”

“Sometimes people leave Louis, and it has nothing to do with you, of course you will be hurt that they left, and you may feel that you must have done something, but you will drive yourself mad trying to figure it out. All you can do is let go and move on. Still hurts, but you can’t let what others think of you control you. That is no way to live.”

“Easier said than done.”

“Trust me I know. It took me a long time to accept who I am, that I am enough and I don’t have to spend my life trying to please others, I only have to make myself happy. People will come and go in my life, and people will say hurtful things and judge me, but they only have power over me if I let it. There is something freeing in just accepting that people are going to form opinions of you no matter what and that’s fine, but it is important to remember that their views have no bearing on who you are as a person.”

“You are a lot stronger than I am Mac. I’m a mess.”

“I’m really not Louis. I fell a lot harder and further than you did trust me. Yeah you fucked up, but you were also coming from a place where you were trying to help those you care about. You just got a little lost along the way.”

“A lot lost. I don’t know how to fix things with my family, the band, my fans, and I have no idea who I am outside of One Direction.”

She nodded, “Everything you have done can be fixed Louis, may take some blood, sweat and tears, but we can get there. I can help you if you let me.”

Louis sat quietly as he thought about what she was asking him, he clearly wasn’t getting very far at figuring things out on his own. And she got it; he knew she understood what he was going through. The time they had spent together, she really had become one of his best friends, he just needed to figure out if he was able to let her fully in. If he was willing to risk letting someone else in.

“Help me,” he said softly.

She moved closer to him and wrapped her arms around him and kissed his cheek, “Always,” she whispered as she rested her head on his shoulder.

They sat like that, just enjoying each other’s company as they looked out over the ocean, listening to the waves crashing on the sand. Out of nowhere, Mac moved her hand from around his waist and slapped him on the head.

“Oi! What was that for?”

“That was for being an idiot and making those deals with your management team. If I ever hear you doing that again I will destroy your favorite pair of Vans.”

“Leave my shoes alone! They’ve done nothing wrong!”

“Yes but their owner is a knob.”

“I am already regretting asking you for help.”

Mac laughed, “No you’re not.”

He smiled and kissed her cheek, “No I’m not.”

As Louis looked at Mac, he could see her mind working a mile a minute. He bopped her nose, “What’s got you so deep in thought love?”

“Making a list in my head of all we need to do,” she paused and tilted her head, “Since you’ve already moved in, you can keep staying with Grace and me. I was planning on being here another three months before we were going to head back to London. Think you can stay hidden for another three months?”

Louis thought about it, he would have to let Marcus know but he otherwise he didn’t think it would be a problem. “Shouldn’t be a problem, got nothing else planned.”

She nodded, “Good, good. Hope you enjoyed your last few months of relaxation cause we’ve got a lot of work to do.”

Louis tensed, his face scrunched in caution, “Not sure I like the sound of that.”

Mac chuckled as she shrugged, “Too late now. You are mine now.”

“Should have bloody gone to Fiji,” He muttered.

“Don’t be a baby love,” she exclaimed as she stood up, reaching out a hand towards him to pull him up.

“A baby!” he shrieked, “I’ll show you a baby!” He quickly picked Mac up and threw her over his shoulder as he ran into the water.

“Louis don’t you dare drop me in this water!” She screamed as she wiggled around trying to break out of his grasp.

“Aw, don’t be a baby love, just a little bit pf water.” Louis slapped her butt as he teased jumping up and down.

“Louis!” she shrieked, he could tell by her laughter that she wasn’t mad. He twirled around a few times as she screamed for him to put her down.

“Alright love, I’ll put you down.”

“Don’t you dare Louis!” She screamed.

Louis quickly pulled Mac off his shoulder her and dropped her in the ocean. When she was ducked under the water he quickly ran on to the shore, knowing if he stayed there, she would find a way to pull him under. Mac emerged a few moments later sputtering water as her eyes searched for him, only to find him in hysterics.

“You bloody wanker!”

Louis just kept laughing as she approached him. “You looked like you needed to cool off.”

“Sleep with one eye open Louis, sleep with one eye open.” Was all she said as she marched passed him, wringing her hair out as she did. Louis couldn’t help but feel like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He had no idea what Mac had planned, but for the first time in a while, Louis had hope for the future.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all!
> 
> Thanks for reading the last chapter and to all those who liked and commented on it, meant a lot! Sorry for the delay on this chapter, I am getting ready to head to the UK for a month, and my office is freaking out with me being gone so long, so they are dumping everything on me try and get me to do as much as I can before I leave!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter, and are excited for Louis' new single and Harry's role in Dunkirk! As always I love to hear your thoughts on the chapter, I do hope you enjoy it!
> 
> Have a great day!
> 
> Lucy XO

**-5-**

_I've been on the road that you're on, It didn't get me very far_

Waking up the next morning, Louis felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. After his talk with Mac on the beach, they had stayed up late that night planning out the next few months.Mac had all these ideas, which had given him a lot to think about. Mac had spent some time searching on the internet and it was there they discovered that Harry had released a single a few weeks ago and was finishing working on a full album to release in the next few months. There was also buzz that Niall was going to release a single soon too. Louis wanted to be more surprised than he was that the boys were out with solo music, but in other ways he wasn’t. He had a feeling Harry had wanted to put out his own music. He was constantly writing lyrics, and only a small portion of them ever got used for the band. He could see him putting out his own music with his own sound.

Niall was a bit of a surprise to him. When they had spoken Niall had no real ambitions to release his own music, was happy to play things by ear. If Niall was releasing his own single, Louis couldn’t be prouder. Niall’s talent was under appreciated.

Louis himself wasn’t sold on the solo music career, as he didn’t think he was good enough to be out there on his own, but Mac had just smacked him on the head and said he was an idiot and his lack of self-esteem was not going to be the reason to take anything off the table.

While they were discussing what the other boys were up to; Liam was popping out hits left and right for other artists, Mac had been surprised at Louis reaction, or lack of reaction. She even called him out on it, but Louis just shrugged and told her he wasn’t overly surprised. Louis still questioned every day if they would continue as a band or was it just the excuse the other boys needed to venture off on their own. He was going to try and stay positive, but a part of him would probably always remain skeptical until the day they were all back on stage together. But thanks to Mac, he was slowly getting used to the notion that even if they don’t get back together as a band in 9 months, he was well on his way to finding out who he was outside of One Direction.

After their discussion, for the first time since he left LA, Louis had the desire to reach out to the boys. While he was in the hospital, Mac had ordered him a new phone and synced it all up for him before turning it off. He hadn’t turned it back on; a little scared to see what he would find when he did, given how his old phone had ended up, even though he still had no memory of that night. He had snuck up to his room and grabbed his phone and went out the back patio. He sat in silence for a few moments, letting the sound of the crashing waves calm him, before turning the phone on.

When he unlocked the phone, he was surprised at the lack of messages, but didn’t want to dwell on it too much, wanting to put all his attention on dialling the familiar number before he could talk himself out of it. Taking a deep breath, he dialed Niall’s number, as he wasn’t sure if his contact list had been updated. Bringing the phone to his ear, he waited as it rang.

The longer the phone rang, the worse the knot in Louis’ stomach felt, thinking maybe Niall didn’t want to talk to him. When the voicemail beeped, he cleared his throat.

“Hi Nialler… It’s Louis. I, uh, I’m not sure what to say… that’s I first I know,” he chuckled, as he threw his head back to rest against the back of the chair, “I’m sorry I upped and disappeared without a word, was shit of me, I know… I heard you may be releasing a song on your own, I just wanted to let you know how proud and excited I am for you. I can’t wait to hear, I know you are just going to smash it.” He paused for a few seconds, not sure what else to say in a voicemail, “I’m working on fixing my mess of a life, not ready to come home yet, but hopefully soon… I miss you Niall. I’ll call again soon yeah?” He finished before hanging up the phone and tossing it on the table in front of him.

Louis sighed as he ran his hands down his face, he wasn’t sure what he wanted out of his call with Niall, but he felt surprisingly unsatisfied. He was secretly hoping to hear Niall’s voice, even if it was to yell at him. There was something about his Irish friend that always helped him course correct when he started to veer. Something he realized he had taken for granted when he started to shut himself down.

After Harry froze him out Zayn eventually became his confidant after he realized he needed someone to help keep him sane in their crazy world. Their relationship wasn’t anything like his with Harry’s. He and Harry had connected on a level that Louis never really had with anyone before. It wasn’t just that they were open and honest with each, but they were able to anticipate each other’s need without so much as a word uttered between them. It was one of the many reasons that left Louis at a complete loss as to why Harry suddenly wanted nothing to do with him; and why it had hurt so much when he left. Leaving a whole that has never been able to be filled.

Zayn was able to help distract Louis from the loss of Harry as best he could. Zayn was great at distractions. Zayn would always come up with something completely crazy for the two of them to do; some of Louis’ favorite memories were some of the crazy antics the two of them used to get up to. And just like Harry, Zayn left, without so much as a goodbye. Looking back, he should have seen the signs that Zayn wasn’t happy. He started to pull away more and more from the group, always an excuse to be off on his own. Then came the word that Zayn was leaving the band; they were all inconsolable after that. They didn’t know what it would mean for the band, if they even wanted to continue on their own.

It was many late night discussions between the four of them before they decided they all wanted to continue. They still found joy in performing together as a band. So they managed to pull themselves together enough to continue on with the tour, taking in day by day as they adjusted to their new reality.

Thinking back on it now, it was really here that Louis really started to lose himself. While he had always been close with Liam and Niall, he was scared to let them in closer than they already were for fear of having them leave him as well. He also started listening more and more to management and whatever PR scheme they had come up with, volunteering to take the brunt for the boys, who he knew just didn’t have the heart for it while they were dealing with Zayn’s departure, and trying to figure out themselves as a four piece. For all of Louis’ issues, he was really good at compartmentalizing. Almost too good.

In some ways the boys became closer as a collective. Trying to keep outsiders out, and making sure they each had the support they needed, so they weren’t surprised like they were with Zayn. Harry was as elusive as ever, but the smile on his face was genuine when he was performing, that they all figured as long as Harry was smiling on stage they were good. Liam and Niall were often after Louis to take better care of himself and remind him that they were there for him, but it wasn’t as easy for him to rely on the others anymore.For the most part Liam seemed to accept the boundaries that Louis was setting up, in many ways Liam was the same, he was almost as close to Zayn and Louis was. Niall was another issue. The persistent Irishman was bound and determined to worm his way in. Despite all of Louis’ efforts to keep him at arm’s length, Niall managed to wear him down.

It wasn’t long before Louis was bearing part of his soul to Niall, and Niall for the most part just listened to Louis, rarely offering advice, but when Louis spoke he knew he had Niall’s full attention. Most of the time Louis didn’t realize he was starting to lose his footing when Niall would gently push him back on course. It was why the hiatus had really thrown him for a loop. In his head the hiatus was the boys’ way of ending the band without ending then band. To Louis, that meant that they were leaving him. Just like his father (both of them really), just like Harry and just like Zayn had. Thinking back, Louis could see how silly his thoughts were. They boys had never given any indication that they wanted to leave the band. Liam and Niall had made a point to stay in contact with Louis during their time off. He got messages from them almost every day; as if it was their way of reminding him that they were still there. He was so caught up in his head and his own issues that he forgot that he already had a support system. A system he should have relied on a little more, and had more faith in then he did.

Louis was pulled from his thoughts by his phone buzzing against the glass table in front of him. Grabbing it he saw, _Nialler_ , was written across his screen. Taking a deep breath, Louis accepted the call.

“Hi,” he said softly into the phone.

“I should punch you in the bloody face mate,” came Niall’s familiar accent.

Louis cringed at the harshness of his tone, “I’m sorry,” he responded softly.

“Lot of good that does Louis. After your text to Harry you had us all in a panic thinking you had done something stupid,” he paused taking a breath, “we were expecting to find a body mate.”

“I’m sorry Niall, I never meant for anyone to worry like that.”

“What did you expect us to do Louis? You disappear without a trace, we don’t hear from you in months and Harry gets a message out of the blue from you apologizing! What else did you think we would think?”

Louis paused for a moment, “I texted Harry? Recently?”

“Fuck sake, yes! Harry has been a mess since then, he thought he sent you over the edge with his last few messages.”

“I don’t remember. I, uh, I don’t remember reading any messages from Harry or sending him a message… There was a night about a week back, something happened, I don’t remember what, but I drank, like a lot, and ended up in hospital.”

Niall paused for several seconds, “Jesus Louis, what the fuck is going on?”

Louis didn’t know how to answer that. “It’s a long story.”

“I’ve got all the time in the world now that I got you on the phone. If you think I am hanging up any time soon you are mad.”

Louis couldn’t help but laugh, he could just picture Niall’s face scrunched up in determination. “I’ve missed you Niall.”

“Ya, well for some reason I’ve missed your sorry ass too.”

Louis smiled.

“So are you going to tell me why you buggered off on us?”

“I lost it,” he replied after taking a few moments to gather his thoughts, “After what happened at Liam’s I freaked out, I just needed to get away, so I did.”

“Ok, I get that. We were all a little freaked out that day, but did you really need to run off without a word to any of us?”

“I, uh, I was scared and mostly embarrassed,” he admitted.

“Why? Why would you think you could never confide in us? If not one of us then at least your mom, I don’t get it Louis.”

“I fucked up, and I got so lost in my own head that I didn’t know how to reach out for help, I was scared to let either you or Liam in like that,” he confessed, “I was a mess Niall. I still am in a lot of ways, but I’m working on it”

Louis heard Niall sigh through the phone, “I know Harry fucked you up Louis, but have Liam and I not proven to you that you can trust us? That you can lean on us? We will always be there for you. There is nothing that would ever drive us away from you!” Niall was all but shouting at him now.

“I know that …now. I don’t think it was anything you or Liam could have changed. I needed to realize that on my own. I have been letting my fear of abandonment from shitty father’s, Harry and Zayn control me to a point where I couldn’t let anyone else in. It was easier to deal with everything on my own that to have someone else I care about leave me.”

“You’re such a twat,” Niall laughed, “Go being all logical on me.”

Louis snorted, “I’ve had help.”

“Is that so?”

Louis smiled, “You’ll never guess who.”

“Sigmund Freud?” Niall offered lightly.

“No, smart ass. Who is our favorite footballer?”

“David Beckham?”

“Try again. Really think mate.”

Niall hummed as he thought, “Only other name that pops up is Danny Wynn?”

“Bingo.”

“Wait, what!” Niall exclaimed.

“I ran into our football idol’s daughter.”

“You are joking.”

“Nope, swear to you man. Surprised the hell out of me.”

“I hate you.” Niall laughed in jealousy, “So she is helping you?”

“Ya, Mac has been great, she’s been through a lot of the same, and she is helping me get my head in the right place.”

Niall didn’t say anything for a few moments, “That’s good… that you have someone you trust to help you.”

He sounded off to Louis, “Niall, it’s not that I trust her more than you or even Liam. It just sort of happened. I think I needed someone outside of the situation too.”

“Makes sense I guess. Do you know what triggered all this?”

“The hiatus.” Louis said softly.

“Jesus Louis, you‘ve been going down since then! That was almost a year and a half ago!”

“I know.”

“Christ… And what about the hiatus triggered your freak out?”

“You’ll think it is silly.”

“Louis.” He said seriously, letting Louis know he was going to tell him one way or another.

“I thought you guys wanting to go on hiatus was your way of gently letting go on the band. That you all didn’t want to be One Direction anymore.”

“Never!” Was his immediate response, “Louis, One Direction is who we are, there never was a question for us that we would be getting back together,” he paused, “Wait, you said us wanting the hiatus, did you not want it?”

Louis bit his lip in guilt, “No,” he replied softly.

“If you were here mate,” Niall threatened, “Why didn’t you say something? We were supposed to agree as a band.”

“It’s what you all wanted,” he offered simply.

“Fuck that Louis. You are part of the band too you know.”

“I know.”

“Do you? I mean Jesus Louis, we wouldn’t be a band without you. If something is wrong, you need to tell us.”

“Niall,” he groans.

“No, you need to listen to me Louis. You are such a bloody martyr. We care about you, you shit. You are the glue that keeps this band together. If you didn’t want to go on hiatus, you should have told us, we could have helped you work through whatever you were scared of, rather than you just taking another one for the team. And that’s another thing, you think Liam and I don’t know all about the shit you have protected us from with management. We know Louis. We may not know all the details, but we aren’t stupid. You have been doing it since day one. Taking on everyone for us, protecting us. Why won’t you let us do the same for you? Did Harry really fuck you up that much, that you can’t see we are more than a band, that we’re family?” He yelled.

Louis was stunned. In all the years he has known Niall, he had never spoken to Louis like he just had. A mixture or anger and frustration, laced with love.

“I am so sorry,” Louis sobbed, “I didn’t know what I was doing any more. I was so lost; I didn’t think you all wanted me anymore. I know Harry didn’t, I thought you and Liam were starting to feel the same. I would do anything for you guys. You and the band meant everything to me. But I got scared with the hiatus, I didn’t know who I was outside of the band. In a lot of ways I still don’t. But you guys all seemed so sure, had all these big plans. I thought you outgrew the band, outgrew me.”

“Oh Louis. I really wish you would have talked to me about all this. Could have saved us all a lot of worry,” Niall said softly, “there are days where I could just beat Harry up for the shit he has pulled.”

“It’s ok Niall, I have long accepted that my friendship with Harry didn’t mean as much to him as it did to me.”

Niall sighed “If only it were that simple,” he said, “You didn’t see him after he got that text Louis. I have never seen him in such a state. He blamed himself for everything. We had to get his mom out to LA to calm him down. We were all grateful that he had gotten through most of the promo for his new single when your text came in. None of us knew how we would be able to keep the world from thinking the worst when it came to you, if they had seen Harry like he was. The fans have already been freaking out enough as it is, and we haven’t been able to really provide them much reassurance.”

Louis paused, taking in what Niall was telling him. He honestly didn’t know how to feel about hearing Harry’s reaction. He figured Harry wouldn’t want to see him hurt, he was to gentle of a soul to ever wish malice on anyone, but he thought his concern for louis would end there. How Niall was describing it, it sounded like maybe Harry still cared for him. Shaking his head, he tried to clear those thoughts, that was a path that Louis did not want to go down.“I’m sorry Harry went through that, but you can assure him that I am fine. I don’t remember his messages or texting him back, so he has no reason to feel guilty or upset.”

“I’ll be sure to pass that along, but I think it would be better coming from you.”

“I don’t think I can. As much as I will always care about Harry, I can’t let him in, I am not ready to forgive him yet, and I can’t be used to ease his guilt.”

“I get it Louis, I do, but I think there is a lot between you and Harry that still needs to be dealt with.”

Louis sighed, he knew Niall was right. If they were going to move forward as a band, there was a lot that was going to need to change. “I know. But I am not strong enough yet to deal with Harry yet. There is a lot I have to work through… Just let him know I am sorry that I caused him to worry like that, I may not remember that night, but I would never hurt him like that.”

“I know you wouldn’t, just promise me, when you are ready you will talk to him.”

Louis paused for a few moments, taking a deep breath before agreeing, “I promise.”

After a few moments of silence, Louis broke it asking about Niall’s new single, “Didn’t think you were going to put out any solo work,” he asked.

“I wasn’t going to, but had the song in my head, and thought why not, yeah. Don’t think I will do a full album like Harry, but may put out a few more songs before we start focusing on the band again. It’s been fun.”

Louis smiled to himself, “I’m glad, I know it will be amazing, so proud of you mate.”

“Thanks Louis” Niall said sincerely. “I’ll send you a copy of it later today, so you can have a listen and let me know what you think, assuming you are not going to go back to being MIA on me.”

“I would love to have a listen to it. I promise not to go radio silent on you. I’m not ready to deal with everyone else yet, but I promise to keep in touch with you until I am ready to come home.”

“Guess I can accept that. Is there anything you want me to pass along to your mom or the boys?”

Louis thought about it for a moment, “Juts let my mom know I am ok, and I will call her soon and to not worry,” he hesitated, “Tell Liam I am sorry for his party.”

Niall waited a beat before asking, “And Harry?”

Louis groaned, letting out a long frustrated breath, “I don’t really know what to say to him.”

“I hear ya man, but you didn’t see him, he still cares about you Louis.”

“I don’t know about that Niall. I’m sure he cares whether I am alive or dead, but beyond that, we are pretty much strangers now.”

“Louis,” was all Niall said, his tone clearing tell Louis that he didn’t agree.

“Just, uh, just tell him I am ok, and that I am sorry that whatever I sent him that night caused him to worry, and maybe wish him luck with his solo stuff.”

“Alright, I can do that. Have you heard his first single?”

“No.”

“He’s got some good stuff Louis, I think…I think you should take a listen to it when you are ready.”

“I’ll try.”

He sighed, “I guess I’ll take what I can get.”

“It’s all I can promise at this point Niall. I want to be happy and supportive for him, but I’m not there yet.”

“I get it. I hope that you taking this time will give you the strength to finally have it out with him. I think you both need to, especially if we want to move forward as a band.”

“I know, me too,” he admitted softly, “Do you really think we will get back together as a band.”

“Before you disappeared there was never a question for any of us that after two years we would come back together and start making music again.”

“And now?”

“I think there are a lot more variables now, but I know from what I’ve talked to with the others, the intent is still there. We just need you to come home.”

Louis sighed, relieved to hear Niall’s reassurance, “I’m working on it.”

“We could always come to you, you know.”

“I know, but I need to work on me first before I can work on the band.”

“Alright Louis, just don’t forget that we are here too for you to lean on, you don’t need to do this all yourself.”

“I know. I am slowly starting to realize that.”

“I love you man, don’t ever forget that.” Niall admitted, Louis could feel the conviction in Niall’s voice, causing Louis to become emotional as well. “I love you too.”

It wasn’t long after that, Louis and Niall hung up, with the promise to catch up again soon. To Louis, it felt like such progress for him. He wasn’t so uncertain about the future. He had gone to bed with a weight lifted off his shoulders.

He had woken up with an energy he hadn’t felt in a while. He was looking forward to the day ahead of him; to continue his brainstorming with Mac, play with Grace, and maybe go for a late surf, since he hadn’t been since his stay in the hospital. He threw the covers off him and turned to grab his phone from the nightstand, he grabbed the box that Mac had handed him with the phone to search for the charger. After his call with Niall, he wasn’t necessarily going to answer phone calls or texts, but he wasn’t going to keep it turned off anymore, he was going to slowly start to face the world, one step at a time.

After he plugged in his phone, he made his way into the en suite wanting to grab a quick shower before going down and joining Mac and Grace for breakfast. He never used to be a morning person, usually only getting up if he had to for work, otherwise he wasn’t usually out of bed until at least noon; he had to laugh thinking about his mother seeing him voluntarily get up well before noon. It also helped that Mac’s guest bathroom was like a religious experience. He didn’t know what it was, but he always left feeling refreshed. He often had to remind himself that he couldn’t spend the day in the bathroom, even if he really wanted to.

The bathroom was filled with natural light, as the back wall was made entirely of tinted glass, so he got to appreciate the amazing ocean view, but no one could see in. There was a large Jacuzzi tub off to one side, and a large grey granite and rock shower. It was Louis weakness. The Shower took up an entire length of a wall, with one wall textured rock and the rest covered in top to bottom granite, enclosed by a sliding glass wall. The light in the ceiling shone teal, which was reflected in the water that fell from the overhead showerhead. On top of the rain showerhead, one of the shower walls had several massage jets. To top it all off, the shower had its own sound system that played anything from nature sounds to syncing up with your own personal playlist.

Louis never knew he was a sucker for luxury showers, but he was now going to have to redo the bathroom in his house back in London. Nothing else would do now.

Realizing he was getting distracted, he reluctantly made his way out the shower. He grabbed the towel he had thrown on the floor and started to dry off. He ran the towel over his body then running it roughly through his hair before tying it off around his waist. He walked over to the vanity, catching his reflection in the mirror, he screamed, “Mac!”

He stormed out of the bathroom and made his way downstairs, he found her hiding behind Grace as he entered the kitchen, “You… I’m… I’m Blue!” he stuttered.

Mac snorted, as she tried to hold in her laughter as she took in the sight of him, “Now there is no need to feel down,” she giggled.

He gave her a pointed look, “Not funny.”

She shrugged from her position behind her daughter, who was grinning at him, “A little funny.”

“Would you mine explaining to me why I look like a smurf!” He exclaimed throwing his hands up in the air before resting them on his narrow hips.

“Oh my god!” She laughed as she fell to the floor.

Pouting, he crossed his arms in front of his chest, “Not that fucking funny,” he muttered.

“It really is. You are so blue!” She laughed with tears forming in the corner of her eyes, as she pulled herself back up.

“Boo!” Grace exclaimed happily as she looked at Louis, causing Mac to start laughing harder.

Louis’ head whipped to look at Grace in shock, it was really the first time she had addressed him by words rather than sounds, “No, no sweetie, I’m Lou not Blue.” He said softly to her, the last thing he needed was her to start calling him Boo or Blue, both were equally embarrassing.

“Boo!” she said again, clapping her hands happily.

“She’s not going to stop calling me that is she?” he asked rhetorically.

Mac kissed Grace’s cheek as she looked back up at him, “Nope… You’re her boy blue!”

He shook his head, “You did not just quote Old School.”

She shrugged proudly as she went back to feeding Grace her breakfast.

“Now that we got this all out of our system, can you please let me know why I am blue?”

“Boo!” Grace said again as she drooled her baby food all over her mouth.

“Shouldn’t have thrown me in the ocean,” she said nonchalantly, smirking at him as she took in the expression on his face..

His mouth open and closed several times as he reluctantly admired her payback, “Remind me to not to introduce you to Niall.”

She just laughed. “Why don’t you go get dressed Boo and I’ll get you your breakfast.”

Louis shook his head as he turned around and made his way back to his room. He had to marvel at Mac’s prank, it was better than most of the ones that he had come up with Niall while they were on tour. He had a feeling his life was never going to be the same with her in his life, and he really didn’t mind one bit.

~~~

For the most part, Louis spent the week hiding out, the blue had taken a while to fade, and he did not want to chance someone taking a picture of a blue man and someone eventually recognizing him. Mac having a picture of him like that was bad enough. He really didn’t want the world to see as well. Luckily for him, Mother Nature had decided to be in a mood, and graced the island with several rain storms. Really was just another excuse for him to stay hidden in Mac’s living room.

He had casually mentioned to Mac about his late night call with Niall. She had been quite pleased to hear him reaching out to the outside world, but didn’t push for more details then he was willing to provide. It was one of the things he loved most about her. She never pushed him, she would nudge on occasion, sometimes hard, but never push. For the most part she let him come to her and open up when he was ready.

They had several deeper conversations, working a lot of his confidence issues, he had joked that Mac was becoming his own personal cheerleader, she said that was fine as long as he didn’t expect her to put on a cheerleading uniform. They also worked on him learning to open up to other’s more and let them take care of him, that one was going to be tough, as he had years of abandonment issues to fix, but he knew he needed to, and he was at least heading in the right direction. Louis was also more open about the boys with Mac. Talking about them more openly, as well as telling Grace all sorts of their wild adventures, at least the PG ones, when he would rock her to sleep at night; which was quickly becoming his favorite part of the day. Just the two of them, looking out over the ocean, as she looked up at him with her big brown eyes, captivated by whatever story he was telling her that night. He had even given up on trying to get her to call him Lou, how could he really mind her calling him Boo with the delighted look on her face each time she said it to him. He was proper wrapped around her tiny fingers, and he didn’t mind one bit.

Between his conversations with Mac and his storytelling with Grace, Louis had begun to realize how silly her was to doubt the boys, and to doubt his friendship with Liam and Niall; a fact Mac was all too happy to point out every chance she got. While Harry was still the ugly elephant in the room, he was at least able to share some of his more personal memories with Mac, it felt good to get some of his anger off his chest, and to no longer be afraid to voice some of his happier memories. When he did though, a curious look always overcame Mac’s face; looking like she wanted to say something but never did. For now, Louis didn’t want to call her out on it, not wanting to delve too deep into the black hole of Harry just yet. Maybe one day soon he would be able to, but he wasn’t there yet. Baby steps.

They had also taken the time to continue their brainstorming ideas. Mac had her team back in London start to put together some PR campaigns they could do to try and reintroduce him to the world, and help fix some of the damage that Modest had done. Mac and Louis had also spoken to her brother Dom, who was hesitant at first, but eventually seemed to warm up to the idea. They spent several hours on the phone, with Dom saying he would pull together a proposal for Louis to review and they could tweak as he liked. He would also pull together some of the plans they had developed for other clients (with their identities removed) so Louis could see overall how they operate. Louis had never really had much faith or trust in his PR and Management team, but Mac and her brother were refreshing. They seem to genuinely want to work with their clients and find the best solutions for all, rather than dictate. Or at least that was how it seemed; he was still staying guarded, even if he came to care a great deal about Mac.

It was also on that phone call that Dom informed them that he would be making a trip out to see them in a few weeks. One to talk business with Louis and two, he wanted to spend some time with his niece. Louis felt that he also wanted to check up on him, after Mac let him know that Louis was staying in one of her guest rooms. He couldn’t fault Dom, as a big brother he would do the exact same thing for all five of his sisters. But at least he knew there was nothing for Dom to worry about. He cared a great deal for Mac and Grace, but a romantic relationship was just not in the cards for them, as easy as it would be to fall for Mac. In some ways that mad Louis sad, as he really hadn’t had a real relationship since the band kicked off. That doesn’t mean he was celibate, by any means, but he had yet to find anyone he connected with on that deep of a level, was attracted to, and well that he could trust was just after him for his money. He often looked back and laughed, he could see how so many of their fans thought he and Harry were together, other than the sex part, his early relationship with Harry had all the elements he was looking for in a partner. It was just never in the cards for them, especially since their friendship didn’t last long either. One day, Louis knew he would find someone. He had to have faith in that.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi All!
> 
> Sorry for the delay in posting a new chapter! I was in the UK for most of the summer, but had an awful trip with my friends and needed to get into a better headspace to continue writing. I hope you enjoy the new chapter, I wanted to include more, but felt it was a good place to stop and wanted to get a new chapter out this week for you all!
> 
> Thanks to everyone who has liked and commented, your reviews mean so much! Love hearing your thoughts on the story, so please keep sharing them with me! So much is on its way I can't wait to share it with you
> 
> I really do hope you and continue on this journey with me!
> 
> As always lots of love!
> 
> Lucy

-6- 

_You ain't missing nothing, 'Cause love is so damn hard_

Louis sat quietly on the beach, a few miles away from Mac’s house. The stretch of beach was less populated and allowed him to sit out in the open without a care of being recognized. He had arms wrapped around his legs as he rested his head gently on his knees, looking out towards the ocean, but not really focusing on anything.

The past few weeks had been a whirlwind of activity for him. There were parts of him that were excited and parts that were utterly terrified. He had many productive phone calls with Dom, who was in the process of negotiating him as one of the coaches for the new season of the Voice UK, he was also reaching out on behalf of Mac to various brands to do some photoshoots once he was back in London, as well as booking a few interviews to discuss his “New Direction”; Dom had thought it was funny, but Louis told him he needed to try harder at being funny, when really he was annoyed that he didn't think of it first. All in all they got along like two peas in a pod, much to Mac's annoyance.

Dom was also encouraging Louis to start working on some music, like writing some songs, even if he didn’t want to release anything himself, he could sell some of his songs to other artists. It was through his talks with Dom that Louis started to toy with the idea of maybe running his own record label, recording studio or production company, it was still a thought in progress. He hadn’t mentioned it to either Mac or Dom, or even Niall during the few phone calls he had with him, but it was something he was seriously considering. He figured it would be a happy medium for him; he would still get to produce music and mentor artists, but wouldn’t be front and centre.

Mac had tried to get him to open up more about some of his insecurities and fears, but for the most part he kept putting it off. It was hard enough most days to think about all your short comings, he didn’t really feel like vocalizing them. But he knew, they were due for another serious conversation soon. They were planning to head back to London soon, and Louis knew he needed to be on better ground mentally to deal with everything; his family, the band, his fans, the press, just to name a few.

He also knew his phone calls with Niall were giving him a false sense of security, Niall was always able to forgive and forget, Liam was a whole other story, he knows that  when he finally sees Liam, there is going to be a lot of yelling, and well Louis had no idea what to expect with Harry. The few times Niall had brought him up, left Louis confused, given him the impression that he still cared for Louis, but the past few years would seem to contradict that. So he ultimately decided it would be future Louis’ problem, even though that Louis was fast approaching.

Most days Louis was able to distract himself from his anxieties of being back in the limelight by spending as much time as he could with Grace. He knew she wasn’t his, but if he could change that he would in a heartbeat. In the time they spent living together she had really become his saving grace. All he had to be to make her happy was Louis, just himself was enough for her, and he cherished that feeling. In return Louis simply wanted to love and protect her for as long as he could, with her he felt like he was a part of something bigger. So he had snuck out one day the week before and gotten a tattoo on left wrist, written in beautiful calligraphy was the name _Grace_. He hadn’t shown Mac when he had gotten it, keeping it hidden under long sleeves, which in the Hawaiian heat was hard to do and drew some strange looks from her, as he was afraid of her reaction. But he had just revealed it to all of his followers on Instagram, it wouldn't be long for Mac to see the post.

He sighed as he turned to look at the phone beside him wondering if he had just made a big mistake; Mac had been encouraging him to start making his presences known on social media, to slowly build up hype that he was coming out of hiding. He hadn’t really wanted the tattoo to be his first post, but that morning he and Mac had a horrible argument , and he decided react by staking his claim on Grace, so once he had huffed down the beach, he held his wrist out, over the sparkling ocean water and snapped a picture of his wrist and captioned it, “ _I once was lost, but now am found_ ”, posting it before he could talk himself out of it.

Louis didn’t know how Mac was going to react when she saw. For the first time since they met, they fought. Mac had been on edge for a few days leading up to this morning, he had figured it was just the stress of getting everything organized before they went back to London. It wasn’t. It was mid-morning when Mac received a call, and she quietly excused herself out the back patio, while Louis was happy to sit and watch some morning cartoons with Grace as they threw stuffed animals at each other. It didn’t take long before he could hear her raised voice coming through the patio doors. She wasn’t loud enough that he could make out the words, but he could tell she was very angry.

He wasn’t sure how long passed before she came storming back into the house, tossing her phone on the first surface she could find.

“God damn, son of a bitch,” she muttered to herself, as she started to bang the pots around in the kitchen.

Louis looked down at Grace, who had a slight frown on her face as she took in all the loud noises. Sighing, Louis picked her up and they went into the kitchen to see what was wrong.

Clearing his throat softly, as not to startle her, he asked, “Everything alright love?”

Mac gave an angry laugh, “What makes you think everything is all sunshine and roses,” she bit sarcastically.

Louis put Grace in her high chair before moving to the fridge to grab her sippy cup, before he jumped up on the counter, “Well your tone there would seem to suggest otherwise.”

“Don’t be smart,” she snipped.

Growing up with four sisters, he was used to this tone, “Mac, I wasn’t trying to be smart, but you don’t seem ok.”

She sighed in frustration, “Sorry,” she muttered, “It was Dom taking his role as big brother too far.”

“Oh? You two don’t normally fight.” He offered.

“Ya, well normally he knows when to mind his own business.”

“You’re his little sister, he is always going to want to look out for you, comes with the territory,” he laughed, “I have five that I have to worry about it.”

“And when was the last time you even talked to them,” she snipped.

Louis’ eyes narrowed as he glared at the back of Mac’s head, “Just because you are pissed at your brother doesn’t mean you have to take it out on me.”

“Well you and Dom seem to have a problem with keeping your nose out my business.”

Louis was confused, Mac had never taken such attitude with him. “Excuse me for giving a fuck, love," he snarked.

“No one asked you too.”

Louis was taken aback by her cold response. “I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you these past few days, but I don’t deserve this.” He said as he jumped down from the counter and started to make his way out of the kitchen.

“Go ahead, run away… all your good at.” She said, her voiced raised so he could hear her.

He whipped around, “What the hell Mac!”

She had turned around and was leaning against the kitchen counter as she looked at him with a closed expression. She shrugged at his frustration, not offering any response.

“What the hell is wrong with you? I can’t believe one call from your brother would make you react like this!” he said as he gestured at her.

“Don’t act like you know me so well Louis. A few months doesn’t suddenly mean we’re family.”

Louis tried to ignore the turning of his gut as he looked at Mac, but he couldn’t keep the hurt from coming across his face. “Wow, don’t pull any punches.”

Just then Grace, sensing the tension in the air, started to cry, Louis made a movement to go to her, but Mac cut him off, “Don’t…she’s not your responsibility.”

Louis nodded, he couldn’t help the hurt taking over as he understood the message Mac was telling him, at the end of the he was still an outsider looking in. Realizing he needed to clear his head, he turned and stormed towards the back patio doors, he paused, not turning to look at Mac, “I don’t know if I was just being naïve, or clinging on to the first thing that has made me happy in a long time, but I thought we were building something here. You and Grace have come to mean more to me than I ever realized. I have opened up to you more than I have to anyone in a really long time.” He sighed sadly as his voice catching, “Stupid of me really, no one else wants me, why should you be any different.”

Louis didn’t wait for her response as he quickly made his way down the beach, not looking back.

Now several hours later, he was still sitting out alone on the beach, staring out over the ocean, wondering where it all went wrong. Why didn’t anyone want to keep him around, was he really not good enough? He couldn’t stop the thoughts for replaying over and over in his head. His body felt like it was vibrating, not wanting to sit still, but not having the energy to move. He just wanted quiet, he wanted the thoughts to end. All of a sudden he felt like he couldn’t breathe couldn’t get enough air into his lungs, as he desperately gasped for air.

Not paying attention to what was going on around him; he jumped as he felt a gentle hand reach out to his shoulder. He turned to look up and saw it was Mac who was speaking to him, but he couldn’t hear her words, he couldn’t focus, his mind was racing.

She quickly knelt down in front of him, taking his hands in hers, as she started to gently massage them as she took deep breaths in front of him, without realizing it he tried to match her breathing.

He could slowly start to make out what she was saying, “That’s it Louis… deep breaths… you’re alright love.”

“Make… it… stop.” He gasped out.

She moved closer as she ran her hand over his back, “Just keep breathing…” she watched as his breathing started to slow down, “There we go, now Louis, I want you to tell me three things you see.”

He looked at her curiously as he tried to keep breathing, but she just nodded her head in encouragement.

He paused as his eyes scattered around, trying to focus, “Water,” he said first, she smiled as she nodded , “Sand,” she nodded again. He took a deep breath and tried to focus his eyes even more, “boat.” He finally got out.

“Very good Louis, just keep breathing, now tell me three things you hear.” Confused again, he tried to do as she asked, taking longer for him to interpret what he was hearing, “the waves,” she nodded, “different birds,” she smiled, “Kids laughing,” he responded, his words starting to come out easier, as his heart started to slow down and his breathing getting easier.

“Well done, and lastly I want you to tell me three things you smell.”

Louis closed his eyes as he took several deep breaths, “the salt in the air,” he paused to take a few more breaths, “Your shampoo,” she laughed, “petrol from the boats,” he finished as he opened his eyes, suddenly feeling much calmer than he was a few moments ago.

Mac smiled at him as she wrapped her arms around him, “Thank god. You’re ok now.”

“What the hell was that.”

She pulled away and moved to sit down beside him, “That was a panic attack.”

“Fuck,” he swore as he ran a hand over his face, “That was bloody awful," he said as his body was still shaking, still high from the adrenaline.

“I know, they aren’t fun. Just keep breathing, you’ll start to feel a bit more settled shortly.”

Louis and Mac sat in silence for several minutes; Mac’s had gently caressing his back as he worked to lower his heart rate. He knew they couldn't sit in silence forever, but he was scared to break the silence between them.

“I’m sorry” Mac whispered softly to him.

He tensed before taking a calming breath and exhaled, “What the hell was that Mac?”

Out of the corner of his eye Louis saw her wipe away a stray tear that had fallen, “There really isn’t an excuse for how I behaved, you didn’t deserve that,” she paused taking a deep breath and turned to look at him, “I let other people get inside my head and they made my own insecurities amplified… and I took it out on you.”

Louis nodded, knowing what that was like, he moved his left arm from around his legs to wrap around her shoulders as he pulled her closer to him, kissing her forehead softly, “Just promise me, next time you feel like that, talk to me. This is a two way street, you’ve listened to me enough, hell you just talked me down from the ledge, I want to be there for you too.”

She nodded as she buried herself in his shoulder. They sat quietly together for a few moments before Louis asked, “Do you want to let me know what is going on in that head of yours.”

She paused taking a beat before answering, “It’s stupid really. Dom and my parents are concerned that I am letting you and Grace become too attached, and reminding me that she isn’t your responsibility and it is unfair to both of you,” she said softly, “then I have Grace’s father continuing to be an ass hat, and it made me panic that I have been living in this bubble with you and when we get back to London, you’ll be out of our lives except for in a professional capacity, and Grace would be left out in the cold again.”

Louis shook his head, in some ways he wanted to call her crazy, but he was just having the same fears, and it didn’t take much to set him off into a panic attack, he could only imagine Mac getting questions and challenged on all fronts.

“And then I saw your Instagram post,” she smiled tenderly, her eyes filled with unshed tears, “And I am hoping that it means what I think it means,” she hedged.

He laughed as he pulled her closer, “and what is that?”

“That you maybe want to stay around. That I’m not totally crazy for wanting you to be the father figure Grace needs?” She replied hopefully.

Louis took a moment to really think about what he was committing to. He knew this wasn’t something to agree to lightly, that if he agreed to take on this role, it was for the long-haul. He knew all too well what it felt like to have a half committed parent, while at the same time that biology meant squat at the end of the day, and it is how open your heart is that matters. He knew he had more than enough room in his heart to let Grace in. Knowing his decision, he snickered at Mac who was biting her lip in anticipation of his answer.

“You jump, I jump Jack,” he said.

Mac threw her back in laughter and relief at his response, “You are such a nerd,” she laughed as she pulled him into a tight hug, “I don’t know what I did in a past life to deserve you, but I don’t think I will ever be able to express how much this means.”

Louis kissed her forehead softly, “That goes both ways love.”

She smiled, "I know it's not fair and I can't change anything, but I would give anything for her to be really yours."

Louis felt like the Grinch, that his heart just grew ten sizes. Just hearing Mac say that to him lifted him up a bit higher, he belonged somewhere, he found a place for himself. It wasn't going to be easy, and he knew a lot of people would be against it, but nothing was going to stop him from helping Mac raise Grace. Louis had a lot of regrets in his life, but he was willing to make peace with them, because they brought him to this moment. "She is in every way that matters."

* * *

 

Since their afternoon on the beach, his and Mac’s relationship had been much better. She was starting to open up more to him with her own frustrations and anxieties, and he would sit and listen to her, offering whatever comfort he could. He was grateful that she trusted him enough to start leaning on him for support.

The past days were a flurry of activity. Louis’ Instagram post had blown up; the media were hounding Dom, after Modest had started directing everyone to their office. On top of that he had to turn his phone off again as he was getting message after message for his family and friends. He was still working with Mac and Dom for his big return to the public eye, so he wasn’t ready to answer their questions until he had a better plan. There was also a small part, well large part, of Louis that was to terrified to speak to his friends and family, he wasn’t sure he was prepared for their wrath he was undoubtedly instore for.

Mac had also organized a small photoshoot, saying she wanted some pictures of him surfing and looking strong and healthy in the Hawaiian sun to include in some of the print interviews they were organizing. Louis was no stranger to photoshoots, but it was a little strange to not have the other boys around him, as well as to have one on such a small scale. There was only Mac, Grace, a stylist and photographer and their assistant. Overall the production was so small scale; it felt much more natural than anything he had ever done. He also really enjoyed doing some surfing action shots, made him feel like a proper professional.

The photographer had also managed to capture some pictures of him and Grace playing in ocean between takes, and even a few that included Mac, to which Mac had told him she was going to get those developed for their own personal use, he was grateful. He wanted nothing more to fill his house with pictures of Grace, now that he was more confident in his role in Grace's life.

Other than the photoshoot he had spent a lot of time on the phone with Dom working through multiple ideas in preparation of his trip out to Hawaii; Louis was in some ways nervous for meeting Mac’s older brother, especially given his reservations of his role in Grace’s life, but from a business perspective he was excited to meet him face to face. Most of Louis’ experience with industry business managers had been less than positive. Most of the time it was a battle to have your views considered, and you soon realized you were just a tool for them. He didn’t get that sense from Dom. He was genuinely interested in what Louis wanted to do, and where he wanted to invest his time, when Louis was strongly against an idea, it was put aside; that’s not to say that Dom wasn’t afraid to argue with him when he thought Louis was being unreasonable. It was refreshing, and reassuring, he was headed in the right direction.

He still hadn’t broached the subject of his big idea, still spending late nights working through the pros and cons, but the more he thought about it, the more he was inclined to head in that direction. Louis also toyed with the idea of maybe bringing Liam in, if he was interested. Before he went into hiding, Liam was big into music production, and they had such chemistry when writing for the band, the two of them together could do great things. He wasn’t sure about Niall, his interests are so fast, he wasn’t sure if it was something Niall was even interested in, and given that he was out there with his own solo music, he may not have time.

He quickly dismissed seeing if Harry was interested, he didn’t particularly feel like being rejected yet again by Harry Styles, and from what Niall had told him, he was off doing grand things, even being considered for a role in a movie. Louis was happy for him, he was, well mostly.  He still got hurt over the thought that even if he wasn’t hiding out in Hawaii, he still would be an outside looking in when it came to all things Harry. Most times he would find out what Harry was up to via the rags, it was sad considering how they used to be.

Louis was sitting out on the back patio with a cup of tea, waiting for Mac to join him after she put Grace to bed. This was probably one of his favorite spots. It was like their own tropical paradise with all the plants and lights that were arranged around the backyard; they were completely hidden from those passing by on the beach, but were still able to clearly hear the waves crashing. It was relaxing.

“You have your Harry face on,” Mac said from behind him causing him to jump in surprise.

“I do not… I don’t have a Harry face.” He tried to argue.

She shook her head as she came to sit beside him on the sofa, throwing her feet over his lap as she looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

“Shut up.” He pouted.

She laughed, “So what about Harry has caused your face to go all gloomy, Eeyore?”

He stuck his tongue out at her, “Mature,” she responded as she kicked his leg with her foot. His response was to simply tickle the arch of her heel, causing her to let out a squeal as she tried to worm her feet away from him.

“You are such a brat,” she said, her voice light with laughter.

He took a few minutes to gather his thoughts, there was no use to denying that he was thinking of Harry, Mac always seemed to know, maybe he did have a Harry face.

“I guess I was just thinking that I am an outsider looking in when it comes to Harry.”

Mac nodded, “You don’t really talk about Harry a lot. I know you sort of had a falling out, but you usually change the subject quickly whenever our conversations veer that way.”

He shrugged, not really knowing what to say, “I don’t know really how to answer questions about my friendship with Harry,” he said sadly, “One day we were the best of friends, living together in a flat in London and the next he has a new group of friends and is living the high life out in LA.”

“You guys never talked about it?”

He shook his head, “It wasn’t really noticeable at first, it just sort of gradually happened that we weren’t spending any time together, and he wasn’t really talking to me. It’s not like he was even mean or anything like that. It was more he just stopped wanting to be my friend,” he shrugged dejectedly, “I just wish I knew what I did.”

“Who says you did anything?” she questioned.

“I figure I must have done something for him to leave. No one leaves for no reason.”

She nodded, “I get that, but maybe it wasn’t anything you did, but something that changed with him,” she offered, “I don’t know him so I’m just saying, don’t go blaming yourself for Harry’s actions.”

Louis nodded, “I hear ya, but it’s easier said than done.”

She smiled, “I know love. But more often than not if people leave our lives its not because of us but something in their own life. Your dads and Zayn leaving had nothing to do with you as a person. It sucks yeah, but there is nothing you could have done to change that. So you gotta stop thinking that it is all down to you.”

“Stop making sense,” he laughed.

“I’m just saying,” she offered, pausing for a moment, she bit her lip, clearly hesitant to speak, “I know it hurts when anyone leaves, but have you maybe thought about why all these years later, it still hurts you so much?”

Louis looked at her skeptically, “What are you talking about?”

She shrugged, “I know we haven’t really spoken about it, but was there may be a bit more to your relationship with Harry than you’ve said, or maybe even admitted to yourself?”

“Christ, don’t start with that Larry shit.”

She threw up her hands, “Hey I’m just saying, I have seen those videos, you guys certainly gave the impression that you were a little closer than just BFFs,” she paused, gagging his reaction before adding, “And you both don’t come off as entirely straight either. I also know this industry well enough to know not to believe everything you see, so maybe some of those relationships you two had over the years were more of the beard nature.”

Louis looked at Mac for a few minutes, they hadn’t really talked about his sexuality, it’s not like he was denying anything, but they had been operating in the way of don’t ask don’t tell. From his observation he couldn’t tell how she would react and if she and Dom would take a similar approach as Modest to his image.

“You’re not wrong,” he offered.

She smiled reassuringly, “I didn’t think I was.” She could tell he was nervous about having this conversation, but she knew they needed to have it. “Louis you have nothing to be worried about. Your sexuality is part of who you are, and I already think you are pretty wonderful, it changes nothing.”

He wasn’t entirely convinced, “I appreciate that.”

Sensing his reluctance she smiled, sitting up and covering his hand with hers as it rested on her ankles, “I know Dom wanted to have this conversation when he got here, but I think it’s better we have it now so you don't feel pressured,” she paused, taking a breath, “Dom is gay Louis. We would be the absolute last people in the industry to force someone into the closet or project an image they weren’t one hundred percent comfortable with.”

“Oh,” he said surprised, he was not expecting that.

“So really think about it, but we will play this however you want to, if you want to keep your sexuality to yourself that is totally fine, Dom does, and if you want to come out as gay then we will support you in every way we can.”

“Bi-sexual,” he said.

“Sorry?”

“I’m bi-sexual.”

It was Mac’s turn to be surprised, “Oh, well that is cool too.”

He laughed, “Was so not expecting to be having this conversation.”

She smiled, “I know, but we needed to have it. And I think it is one less thing you have to worry about now.”

He nodded, it really was. His personal life was finally in his own hands. He didn’t have to do stunts to try and promote an entirely straight persona. He felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders, and couldn’t help get a little emotional about having this freedom.

He tugged on Mac’s hand pulling her into his lap as he wrapped his arms around her, “Thank you,” he whispered softly.

He could feel her smile against his shoulder, “You have nothing to thank me for Louis.”

He shook his head, “I really do, so just say you’re welcome.”

She threw her head back laughing and looked at him with a smile, “You’re welcome.”

He nodded and kissed her forehead. Mac moved off his lap, but instead of returning to her original spot curled up beside him, Louis throwing his arm over her shoulder. “So Harry?”

“Ugh” he said as he threw his head back to rest against the back of the sofa.

“You can’t tell me you didn’t think he was fit?”

“You’re killing me here Mac.”

She snickered at his discomfort.

“Of course I bloody thought he was fit. I lived with him, I have seen all he has to offer.”

“I knew it!” she exclaimed.

“Ya well, don’t get too excited nothing ever happened.”

“But you wanted it to?”

Louis paused, Harry had just been his best friend and band mate, who happened to be really attractive and liked to cuddle. Being with Harry was never really something he really thought much about it in the early years, yes there was a lot of speculation, but that just wasn’t their relationship. But when he’s watched those fan videos of the two of them he could see how they would read more into their relationship than there was. But after everything he couldn’t lie about how much his life revolved around Harry, and how much of a hole he left when he ended their friendship.

Really thinking back, he could remember a few incidents where he may have felt more than friendly thoughts about Harry like during the early days of them living together he used to get goosebumps when Harry would be causally stroking his arm as they lay on the couch watching a movie.

“I may have had some fleeting notions of maybe having more than friendly thoughts about Harry.”

“So yes,” she said cheekily.

“Yes, ok, yes, looking back, given the chance I would have been open to being in a relationship with Harry.”

Mac surprised him by jumping up and down, “I knew it! Larry lives!” She laughed.

He threw a pillow at her as she laughed and danced around, “You are such a nutter. I had no idea you were so invested in me and Harry”

She calmed down and returned to the sofa, “I’m just having some fun with you!, "she teased. "Given our conversations I had a feeling something more was going on than you were admitting, even to yourself. But I think it makes sense why you have had such a hard time letting go of Harry. Your mind has, but your heart can’t. Deep down you still feel something,” she shrugged, “until you are able to deal with that, I don’t think you will ever be able to move on.”

“Great, so I have to figure out how to get over someone I was never in a relationship with.”

“Oh sweetie, I think you were in a relationship with him, you both just didn’t know it.”

They were pulled from their conversation by Mac’s phone ringing, running inside he heard her answer it as she made her way back out. “It’s Dom,” she said as she handed the phone to him.

“Dom, lad, how’s it going?”

“Louis I need you to do me a favour.” Louis sat up straighter as he took in Dom’s tone.

“Name it.”

“I need you to keep calm and not let onto Mac what we are talking about.”

“I can do that,” he replied looking up at Mac who was looking at him curiously.

“We are on the way to the hospital. Dad’s had a heart attack, he collapsed on the field in the middle of the match and they air lifted him to A&E. It doesn’t look good. I need you to get Mac and Grace here as soon as possible.”

“I’m on it. Send me the details and I will arrange everything.”

“Thanks man I appreciate it, mom’s a wreck, I’m barely keeping it together, Mac will be even worse, she’ll probably feel guilty she wasn’t here.”

“Don’t worry about it Dom, I’ll take care of everything, you just focus on what you need to.”

“I really appreciate it Louis. Can you pass me back to Mac, I’ll let her know what is going on”

“You sure you don’t want me to?”

“Nah, I got this.”

“Alright, I’ll turn my phone on, keep me posted and take care.”

“Thanks,” Dom said as Louis passed the phone to Mac. He waited; he knew the exact moment Dom told Mac about her dad. He quickly stood up to catch her as she crumbled to the ground, a desperate sob escaping her lips as she screamed, “No, please, no.”

Louis pulled her close, grabbing the phone from her hand, “You get to the hospital man, I got Mac.” He said into the cell as he hung up. Wrapping Mac in his arms, “I got you,” he tried to comfort her as best he could.

“My dad,” she cried.

“I know love, I know,” he said softly, “You are going to have a good cry, then you are going to pack everything up, while I arrange a flight to take us to London. Ok?”

She said nothing but nodded into his shoulder, wrapping her arms tighter around him, “It’s ok if you want to use this shirt as a Kleenex, never really liked it to be honest,” he joked when he heard her sniffling.

It warmed his heart when he heard her give out a little laugh, ”You’ll be ok love, we’ll get through this.”

She pulled back and gave him a small smile, she kissed his cheek softly and said, “Thanks Louis.”

“Nothing to thank me for, love. Now you get upstairs and start packing I am going to get everything sorted.”

She nodded, hugged him again before making her way into the house.

Louis looked down at the phone still clutched in his hand. Taking a deep breath, Louis prepared himself to make the arrangements for them to go back to London. He couldn’t stop to think about it too much, or he would send himself off into fit. He just had to keep taking deep breaths, do one thing at a time, and focus on being there for Mac. That was what was important. He could freak out about seeing his family and friends later. Right now he had to be strong. He could do this, he kept telling himself, it is just a flight home, to London, where everyone he has been avoiding for the past six months is, _this isn’t going to be a disaster_ , he thought as he dialled a familiar number.

“Hey Marcus, it’s Louis, look I need you to do me a favour, I need you to book me a private plane from Hawaii to London straight away. I’m coming home, and I’m not alone.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it! Louis is finally headed back to London, SPOILER ALERT..... 
> 
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> he will met Mac's family in the next chapter and a few other surprises are in store for the next chapter!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all!
> 
> I am soooo sorry this took so long to get out, I decided to go on a trip to Italy and then work decided to be dumb again (I really don't enjoy my job lately), but as you can see it is a dozy of a chapter (12K words!), so I hope that makes up for it!
> 
> I have loved getting all your comments on the last chapter and how you are connecting with the characters and enjoying the story. I hope you enjoy this chapter as well, as always I love to hear from you!
> 
> I hope you all have a fantastic day and enjoy!!
> 
> All the love!
> 
> L

**_-7-_ **

_Take it from me, darling, You don't want a heart_

The flight from Hawaii to London was probably one of the worst flights he has ever been on, and he’s jumped multiple continents in one day, hungover, before. To begin with, he isn’t overly fond of flying, especially long distances, add in him not being mentally prepared to be back in London, it was going to be a long flight. Mac spent most of the flight curled up in her seat staring out the window. Louis had tried to engage her a few times in conversation, but she wasn’t interested in the distraction. So he spent the flight entertaining Grace. She was a surprisingly good flyer. They had packed as many toys as they could fit into a travel bag, and as soon as it was safe to do so, Louis and Grace made their way to the floor of the plane and played. When she got bored with her toys, he brought out his iPad and played some of her favorite cartoons. Thank God for technology

There were a few instances when Grace had reached for her mother, but he was able to distract her with a few funny faces, as she was happy with all the attention he was giving her. They were now just waiting on clearance from Heathrow to land, and Grace was currently fast asleep in his arms. These were some of his favorite moments, Grace comfortable enough to sleep a deep sleep in his arms. He hoped she slept through the landing and the drive to the hospital, the last thing they needed was to have a cranky baby when they were trying to discreetly make their way through the hospital.

When he was making their flight arrangements, he had also booked a private car and bodyguards. Louis was hoping they could get to the hospital undetected, but he didn’t want to take the risk. There was one thing to being in a famous boyband; you didn’t have to go through the traditional security and custom channels.

When the plane had finally taxied to a stop, Louis unbuckled himself and managed to stand without waking Grace. He made his way over to Mac and gently sook her shoulder, startling her from her daze. “We are here love,” he said gently.

She jumped slightly as she turned to look at him, nodded and unbuckled herself.

“The car is going to pull up to the plane and they will load our luggage in a separate car and drop it all at mine.” He wasn’t sure if she was really paying attention to him, but she nodded none the less.

They gathered their things up and made their way to the door, where the pilot and flight attendant were waiting. Mac quickly made her way out of the plane while Louis turned to thank them for a lovely flight before following her out.

Louis couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief as he saw both Alberto and Preston waiting for them in front of a black SUV. Preston made his way over to Mac and grabber her bags, as Alberto opened the door for her. Louis approached both men hesitantly.

“Hey,” he said nervously.

“You are in for a world of a lecture later, but it is good to see you Louis,” Alberto said as he wrapped an arm around his shoulders in a half hug, “And you are going to explain all this,” he said with a pointed look at Grace who was still asleep in his arms.

Feeling sufficiently chastised, he nodded his head and made his way to the other side of the car where Preston was waiting for him.

“You pull a disappearing act like that again on us and there won’t be a safe place on this earth for you.”

Louis nodded unable to look Preston in the eyes.

“You scared the shit out of us all kid, especially your family and the boys, they have been a wreck.”

“I’m sorry.”

Preston sighed, ruffling Louis hair, “I know kid, we’ll talk more later, I am just glad you are home safe.”

“Thanks Preston, I appreciate you and Alberto doing this.”

“We’re family kid. We would have skinned you if you didn’t call us.”

Louis laughed, feeling a little less apprehensive then he was the whole flight over here. Preston opened the door for Louis and helped him maneuver into the car.

When they were on their way to the hospital Preston turned to look at them. “We’ve called ahead, the hospital knows we are coming and we will be using the emergency entrance, but unfortunately there are paps all around the hospital, so it will be unlikely that we can slip in unnoticed. But we are going to do all we can to minimize the accessibility of you two for photos. Just do everything we say and we’ll get you in there in one piece.”

Louis nodded his appreciation and gently kissed Grace’s forehead as she started to stir, but not fully waking up.

The car ride to the hospital was mainly filled with silence, Mac had spent most of the ride staring blankly out of the window, it wasn’t until they approached the hospital entrance and saw the paparazzi camped out at evert possible entrance or exit, did she reach over and grabbed Louis hand that wasn’t holding Grace and squeezed. “It’s going to be ok love.” He said gently as he squeezed her hand back.

“Alright, when we pull in, wait for Preston to get out, he’ll open your door Miss Wynn, for you both to exit there, he’ll try and cover you both as much as he can,” Alberto said, “He’s also going to stay with you at the hospital, just give me a ring when you are ready to leave and I’ll be back to pick you all up.”

Louis nodded his head in understanding, “Thanks Alberto.”

As they pulled up to the entrance, Preston quickly got out of the car. He could tell the interest of the photographers was peeked, but they didn’t know who was in the car. Mac pulled out a pair of sunglasses from her purse and put them on in what they both knew would be a feeble attempt at a disguise. Following suit, Louis pulled his hood over his face and moved Grace so she was tucked into his shoulder as he shifted closer to Mac; he would be able to hide her face from the photographers.

Preston opened the door and Mac got out, moving slightly to the side and waited for Louis, she made a motion to take Grace from him but Louis shook his head, “I got her love,” he said as he maneuvered out of the car. He made quick work to adjust Grace, making sure her face was completely hidden as the trio started to walk to the door, keep their heads down, as Preston directed them.

They were almost through the door when the flashes from the cameras started to go off and the paparazzi started calling out their names. He knew it was a slim chance that they would have been able to make it into the hospital without being recognized. They were both to familiar in the tabloids for them to not recognize Louis tattoos or Mac’s facial features, even hidden behind her sunglasses.

Louis tucked Grace further into his shoulder, as he wrapped an arm around Mac, ducking their heads slightly as they followed Preston into the hospital. Louis tried not to pay too much attention to the stares they attracting as they made their way through the hallways, trusting Preston to lead them to the right place.

Louis and Mac followed Preston blindly around the hospital, the whole way there Louis never loosened his hold on either Mac or Grace, ready to protect at a moment’s notice. Louis knew it was a ridiculous thought, but they were outside his comfort zone. In Hawaii they had created this safe bubble; he forgot what it was like to just be. They didn’t have to worry about the press, about sneezing the wrong way. They were safe and secure.

He knew coming back to London was going to be a challenge in many ways. Mentally he knew he wasn’t ready yet to be thrust back into the public eye. He wanted to talk to his family and the boys first before he came out of hiding. The chaos of their departure and the loss of security had Louis on edge and he didn’t know how to make it go away. He wouldn’t change his decision to come home with Mac and Grace for anything. She needed him and he was going to be there for her. He just hoped he could keep his mind quiet for a few days, while he sorted everything out.

“Mac!” Dom called as he exited what Louis assumed was their father’s room.

Mac dropped Louis’ hand and ran to her brother. He wrapped his arms around her tightly as she broke down and cried, searching for some comfort in her brother’s arms.

Louis dropped back, watching the pair with a heavy heart. Seeing Mac with Dom, he knew he made the right decision, and he would take on anything that came his way. This was what was important.

Grace started to shift in his arms, a sign Louis had come to recognize as Grace starting to wake up. He kissed her forehead gently as he adjusted her in his arms, “Rise and shine Bean,” he said softly, as he used one hand to tenderly moved some of her hair from her forehead, she had a serious case of bedhead, that Louis found utterly adorable.

Grace grabbed onto Louis sweatshirt with her tiny fists as she rubbed her head against his shoulder, trying to hold onto to sleep as long as possible.

Louis smirked, “Got to open up those eyes there love.”

Grace pulled back slowly to look up at Louis, her eyes full of sleep.

“There’s my girl.”

A smile instantly came over her face as her eyes focused. She moved hear head to take in where she was. He could tell the moment she realized they weren’t at home, her tiny fists held on tighter to his sweatshirt, and a frown soon marred her face.

“You’re alright Bean,” he said softly, kissing her forehead, “Remember we took a plane to come visit your Uncle D?”

Louis wasn’t sure how much she understood, but she relaxed slightly before burying her head in his shoulder. He glanced over to Preston who had an amused look on his face, but said nothing.

Figuring Grace was settled for the moment, he turned his attention back to Mac, and was surprised to see Dom looking at him, with a soft expression on his face. Louis had no control over the blush that developed on his cheeks.

He cleared his throat as he approached them.

Dom pulled away from his sister, kissing her forehead as he did. “Louis, nice to finally meet you,” Dom said, fixing him with a sad smile, “Wish it were under better circumstances.”

He nodded in agreement, “Same man, how are you holding up?”

Dom sighed, “Ok, it’s been touch a go. Dad made it through surgery, not without complication,” he paused, taking a deep breath, “The next 36 hours are crucial. The doctors also won’t know the extent of trauma to his body until he wakes up. We’ve got the press, the team and the fans, all wanting answers and I don’t know what to tell them at this point.” He said frustrated.

“Don’t even think about them right now Dom, focus on you and your family. They will all be there when your dad is out of the woods. They can wait.”

Dom gave Louis a grateful smile, as if he needed the reassurance to ignore the outside world. Dom turned his attention to Grace, “She has gotten so big,” he said softly.

Mac let out a chocked sob, “None of that Monkey,” Dom said as pulled her closer, “We don’t fault you for taking the time you needed away from everything. You needed to do what was right for you and Grace.”

Mac nodded but didn’t say anything.

“Why don’t you go in and sit with Mom, she’ll be so happy to see you.” Dome offered as he pointed her in the direction of their father’s room.

Mac hesitated, “You’re ok Monkey,” he comforted.

She nodded, looking back at Louis and biting her lip as she turned to enter the room.

“How is she really?” Dom asked after Mac had disappeared into the hospital room.

Louis sighed, “Not good, she has barely spoken two words since we got your call. She’s shut down,” he said sadly, “She’s going to break soon.”

Dom nodded, “She’s angry with herself for not being here.”

Louis nodded, “It’s more than that.”

Dom looked at Louis with surprise, “You two have gotten close.”

Louis shrugged and nodded.

“Her and Dad had it out before she left. I wasn’t there when it happened, but from what mom’s told me, they haven’t spoken since. They get their updates on each other from Mom and I. Both stubborn as mules,” he muttered.

“I figured it was something like that. She doesn’t speak much about your dad, even knowing what a huge fan of him I was, and I don’t remember her ever getting a call from him.”

Dom nodded, “She’s afraid that their fight is going to be the last words she spoke to him.”

Guilt slammed into his gut, winding him. He suddenly was hit with the thought of something happening to his family or the boys, and what his last words to them were all those months ago, cruelly telling his mother to get off his back, and Lottie to mind her own business, that his life wasn’t any of her concern. He wanted to cry. He would never forgive himself if he wasn’t there for his family. He suddenly realized just how selfish and cowardly he had been. Even knowing mentally he was still sorting everything out, he knew that as soon as he was settled back home, he needed to phone home as soon as possible.

As if sensing his thoughts, Dom rested a hand gently on his shoulder, “Hey, don’t go getting into your head. The past few years have been shit for you, and you have been trying to deal with that. May not have been in the best way, but your family will understand.”

Louis’ face pinched, he knew the lecture that awaited him.

Dom laughed, “Eventually.”

Louis couldn’t help but let out a chuckle, “Thanks mate, helpful.”

Dom shrugged, “Now we got that out of the way, stop hogging my niece.”

* * *

 

It had been a long day for all of them when they finally pulled up to Louis north-London house. He wasn’t even sure how long they were at the hospital, just that the sun had set hours ago. Louis had spent all day shifting between keeping Grace entertained and letting Mac and her family have some time together.

Louis was surprised at how welcoming Mac’s mother, Naira, had been to him. He was prepared to be in for awkward looks and conversations, last he had heard from Mac was that they weren’t overly keen on his role in Grace’s life, but Naira had quickly pulled him into a hug and thanked him, also wishing they were meeting under better circumstances.

Naira had engaged Louis several times in conversation; he figured she was using him as a distraction from worrying over her husband. He also didn’t miss the soft smile that appeared on her face every time Grace reached for him. At one point Dom had leaned over to whisper to him that the inquisition wasn’t going to be coming so he could relax. Louis had tried to laugh it off, but was secretly pleased that they seemed to accepting him. He also didn’t miss the small smile that would appear on Mac’s face every time her mother gently held his hand when she was talking to him.

He wasn’t used to the feeling of instant belonging, but that’s what he would describe it as. Naira’s presence was instantly comforting, even with the worry etched across her face she was warm and inviting. She didn’t make him feel uncomfortable intruding on their family time, waiting for Mac’s dad to wake up and let them all know he was going to be alright. Dom and him joked around and talked about everything mindless they could think of. He didn’t want to get to ahead of himself, but he couldn’t deny that he felt like he fit in with Mac and her family. Even given the situation they were currently in, that thought made him happier than he would have ever wanted to admit out loud.

Louis had also slipped away for a bit, under the pretense of getting everyone some food and drinks, and had made a phone call to Alberto asking him to pick up the items he was going to send him via email. While he and Mac would be able to survive their first night in Louis’ house, Grace was another story. It was not at all ready for an almost one year. Most of her stuff was back in Hawaii, so they were going to need to replace most of it. Alberto had reassured him that it wouldn’t be an issue, and Louis knew that they would all be able to settle in once they got home.

It was while he had snuck away that Preston had decided to have a little heart to heart with him. Louis has had various father figures in his life, and has spent a good chunk of his life without one, but Preston had managed to make him feel like a little boy being disciplined by their father. He didn’t hold anything back on letting Louis know how disappointed he was, how scared they had all been. Louis couldn’t apologize enough, promising to never do anything like that ever again. Louis didn’t know if it was the jet lag or the fact that he was back home, but he couldn’t control the tears as they ran down his face, as he embarrassingly tried to wipe them away with his sleeve as he explained to Preston what was going on in his head for the past year.

Preston had given him a sad smiled as he pulled him in for a hug, whispering, “You’ll be ok kid, you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. Just don’t shut out those of us who care about you.”

Louis had nodded, and pulled back trying to joke off the moment, saying Preston was getting soppy in his old age.

Now, as Alberto put the car in park in his driveway, Louis looked over to Mac who was fast asleep beside him. He wasn’t used to her being so quiet, but he could tell this had hit her harder than she was willing to admit, and vowed he would do whatever he could to help.

Preston opened his door and motioned for him to take Grace from Louis so he could exit the car. Alberto went to Mac’s side, but Louis had told him that he would carry her in.

Louis quickly made his way to her side before opening the door and extracting Mac as gently as he could, trying not to disturb her too much. She grumbled quietly as he tucked one arm under her legs and the other under her arms. He was suddenly grateful for Mac’s shorter stature, he was able to lift and carry her with very little effort. The group silently made their way inside Louis’ house.

“I got everything on your list Louis, it is all set up in the bedroom beside yours. I figured you want her as close to you as possible.” Alberto said quietly.

Louis nodded, “Thanks man, I appreciate it. I am not sure what the plan is for tomorrow, but I will message you as soon as I know. I hope you guys are ok to take over our security for the foreseeable future.”

Alberto snorted, “Wouldn’t have it any other way kid.”

Louis motioned for Preston to follow him upstairs, he put Mac down in one of the spare rooms across the hall from what would become Grace’s room, and he covered her with the comforter. He exited her room, closing the door behind him, as he motioned for Preston to pass him Grace.

Luckily they had changed Grace into her pajamas at the hospital when they noticed her getting sleepy again. He did a quick check of her diaper and saw that they were still good; he looked around the room, and was pleased with how Alberto had set everything up. He was going to have to remove the bed set and furniture, and put in some baby appropriate ones, like a rocking chair for him to sing her to sleep at night, but the crib and changing table would do them for the time being.

He kissed her forehead gently as he placed her in the crib, pulling the blanket up to cover her. He reached into the bag Preston had brought up with them and grabbed her favorite stuffed bear, placing it in the crib beside her. He turned to the new baby monitor and turned it on, grabbing the second handset to bring with him.

Closing the door, he and Preston made their way back down to the main foyer where Alberto was waiting.

“I can’t thank both of you enough for today.” Louis said softly.

Alberto brushed him off, “Don’t even start with that.”

Louis smiled and nodded, “I’ll call as soon as I know the plan for tomorrow.”

The pair nodded and made their way to the door, “See you tomorrow Louis. Glad to have you back,” Alberto said as they exited.

Louis shut the door, resting his head against it as he took a deep breath.  _One day down_ ¸ he thought to himself. He pushed himself off the door and walked around his main floor. It had been a year since he was last here. He looked around and was suddenly hit by how cold his house was. He remembered the warmth of Mac’s place in Hawaii, his was cold an empty. It held no character; no personal touches that screamed Louis lived here. When he moved out of his flat with Harry, he didn’t much care where he lived at that point, nothing was going to feel like home without Harry. So when he bought this place he had a professional decorate it, and had never changed it. He was never really home a lot before for him to really notice how this place felt the least like home of all the places he has ever lived.

If he was going to make this a home for Grace, he was going to have to change things. He took inventory of the main room, making a mental list of things he wanted to change as he wandered around, finally ending up in the kitchen. Louis opened the fridge and was surprised to see some supplies. He smiled to himself realizing Alberton must have picked them up some groceries, to at least make it through one day. Food was something else he was going to have to look after. He wasn’t much of a cook, Mac had taught him a few recipes he had managed to not burn, but he was going to have to figure out a way to feed them for the next little while.  _Tomorrow’s problem_ , he thought. He closed the fridge, passing on his nightly cup of tea, knowing as soon as he sat down he would pass out. Louis turned off all the lights before making his way upstairs. He checked quietly on Mac and Grace, who were both still fast asleep. He made his way into his bedroom, seeing his suitcases piled in the far corner; he removed his shirt and pants, leaving him only in his boxers as he dove under the covers of his bed. He couldn’t deny the feeling of being in his own bed, as he let out a satisfied sigh, before quickly following Mac and Grace into the land of sleep.

Louis wasn’t sure what woke him up, but his heart was hammering in his chest as he heard a noise coming from outside his room. Confused, it took him a moment to remember where he was. He looked over to the baby monitor and heard no noise coming from Grace, as he sat up in bed. The door slowly opened, and Louis could make out Mac’s figure in the moonlight.

He heard her sniffle, as he quietly addressed her. “What’s wrong love?”

She sniffled again as she stood awkwardly in the doorway, having changed out of her clothes and into a large t-shirt that looked somewhat familiar. “It’s silly,” she said softly.

“None of that love, tell me,” he encouraged.

“Was a bad dream,” she said as she wiped at her eyes.

“Come here and give us a cuddle,” he said, opening his arms wide for her.

Mac didn’t need to be told twice, as she made her way to him, getting under the covers and falling into his arms, as she let the tears fall onto his chest as she cried quietly in his arms.

Louis wrapped his arms tight around her as tried to comfort her, “It’s going to be ok Mac.”

She shook her head, “You don’t know that.”

“Oh love, your dad is a stubborn old bastard, he’s not going anywhere without a fight.”

“I can’t lose him,” she whispered, “it’s…He’s my dad.”

Louis heart broke for her, he wanted to take away all her pain, but he knew all he could do was provide her with a shoulder to cry on. “I know love, he’s where he needs to be getting the very best care in the country.”

She nodded her head, tucked into the crook of his neck. “I don’t want my last words to him to be that I hated being his daughter.”

“Oh Mac, your dad wouldn’t believe those words for a second, no matter how mad the two of you were at each other.”

She shrugged her shoulders, “We haven’t spoken since I moved to Hawaii. He didn’t want to speak to me when I called.”

“Like I said, stubborn old bastard, who do you think you get it from.”

She bit his neck in response.

“Oi! Did you just bite me?” he asked incredulously.

She let out a small laugh. He shook his head in amusement.

She pulled back to look at him, resting her chin on his chest, “He was so disappointed that I got pregnant, and how I handled everything.”

Louis nodded, “He’s your dad love, you’re his little girl, obviously this isn’t what he wanted for you, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t still love you.”

“We said some really horrible stuff to each other, he even called me out on running off to Hawaii, rather than facing things head on,” she sighed. “I could never think of Grace as a mistake,” she added softly.

Louis ran a hand up and down her back in comfort, “Of course you don’t who could ever regret her, she’s perfect,” he said fondly, before adding, “Love look who you are talking to. You and I make quite a pair when it comes to running away from our problems. It’s something you and I need to work on, together.”

She looked at him before nodding her head, “Together.”

He smiled, “You’re not getting rid me love, we are in this together, we’ll figure out this thing called life.”

She laughed, before turning to rest her check on his chest, “I am very grateful you came into my life Louis. I couldn’t do this without you.”

“Yes you could,” he said, “but you’ll never have to.”

* * *

 

“Oi, Tommo, wake up!” a voice called, as his bedroom door burst open.

Louis startled, bottled up in bed, his should knocking into Mac’s nose as he went.

“Fuck!” she yelled as she grabbed her nose, falling backwards and subsequently falling awkwardly on the floor, her feet tangled in the sheets; she was now half on the bed half sprawled on the floor, her t-shirt bunched up around her ribs. “Christ Louis!” she groaned, “Thanks for the broken nose.”

Louis startled, looked from the door where Liam and Niall stood with shocked expressions, to Mac trying to untangle herself and back. When he finally managed to gather himself, he burst out laughing, head falling back on the pillow as he clutched his stomach.  Liam and Niall soon followed.

Clearly not expecting to hear other voices, Mac managed to untangle her feet and whipped her head to see the other members of One Direction, standing in the doorway laughing. She quickly pulled her t-shirt down and scowled at Louis, “Thanks Lou, wasn’t how I was picturing meeting your bandmates.”

Louis threw is hands up, still amused, “Don’t blame me love, they are the ones that barged in here.” 

She turned to look at them, “Oh I’ll remember that.”

Liam and Niall stopped laughed, “Why am I suddenly afraid for my life?” Niall asked.

Louis laughed, “Cause you should be,” he smirked at them, “Mac here always gets her revenge. 

Mac laughed and shrugged.

“How about we let you two get dressed and you can join us for breakfast.” Liam offered.

“No food here Payno, and we can’t go out just yet.”

Liam waved him off, “Already got you cover there mate, brought breakfast with us.”

“Always thinking ahead,” Louis laughed.

Liam shrugged, “Someone’s got to in this group.”

Liam and Niall turned and made there exit, leaving an amused Louis and an annoyed Mac 

“Well that wasn’t awkward at all,” Mac said as she huffed back onto the bed, her head hitting Louis’ stomach.

“Oof,” he let out, “Well it could have been worse.”

She quirked her have to look at him, “Ya, I could have been naked.”

Louis laughed, “Exactly.”

Mac knocked her head back against his stomach, “You are less than helpful.”

Louis laughed as he grabbed her shoulders to pull her up to him, “Never claimed to be, love.”

“I hate you.”

“No you don’t.”

She smiled “No I don’t, but I still think you are a pain in my ass.”

Louis barked with laughter, “Then you and me mom will get along just fine.”

Mac twerked his nipple in response; he squeaked loudly and grabbed her hand, preventing her from getting another pinch off, “No need to get violent love.”

“Stop canoodling up there you two, we’re hungry,” came Niall’s Irish accent from downstairs. 

Louis and Mac turned to look at each other before bursting out laughing. “Oh man, I’ll set them straight,” he reassured.

Mac nodded, “Canoodling,” she laughed.

“How you doing this morning love?” He asked as he pushed himself out of bed.

She sighed, “Trying not to think too much, but a little better,” she paused, “thank you for last night.”

Louis waved her off as he went to his closet to find something to wear.  “You never have to thank me for that.”

“What’s the plan for today?” He asked as he pulled out a sweater and a pair of sweats from his closet before going over to his dresser to grab a fresh pair of boxers.

“I’ll join you guys for breakfast and then head over to the hospital, if that is ok?”

Louis nodded, “Sounds good love, how about you give me a call when you want me to bring Grace in for a visit, otherwise we’ll just hang out here, and do a little online shopping, figure out what else we need to get.”

Mac smiled, “Sounds good, when my brain starts to clear a bit more, we’ll need to sit down and figure everything out.”

Louis smiled, making his way over to her, dropping a gently kiss on her forehead, “Don’t worry about that now love, we’ll get it all sorted.”

“Have I told you how grateful I am for you?”

“Hmm, not recently no,” he teased, “Please continue.”

Mac laughed as she threw a pillow at him “You’re such a shit!”

Louis laughed as he dodged the pillow as he made his way into his ensuite to change.

“Are you going to be ok to talk to your friends down there?” She asked while he changed.

“Don’t really have a choice now, do I?” he responded through the door.

She sighed, “Don’t get smart with me Louis, you know what I mean.”

He opened the door, dressed, crossing his arms as he leaned against the door frame as he shrugged, “I wasn’t trying to be. There here, I can’t really kick them out. I owe it to them to talk to them, no matter how anxious it makes me feel.”

Mac got up and gently rested a hand on his crossed arms, “Yes you do, but if you feel it is getting to be too much, don’t be afraid to stop. You’ve got to start putting yourself first.”

“I know, I’m working on it.”

“There here to see you, they brought you breakfast, these are all good things Lou.”

He tried to smile reassuringly, “I know, and in many ways I am happy to see them, I just know they are going to get upset and be disappointed in what I’ve done.”

“I know, but they love you Lou, don’t forget that, and remember our promise last night, no more running.”

He laughed softly, “No more running.”

Grace’s cries broke them from the moment, “I’ll grab her, you get ready for the day, and then join us downstairs.”

Mac nodded gratefully as she got up and made her way back to her room.

Louis opened Grace’s door and saw her sitting up in her crib, looking around in confusion as tears fell from her eyes.

“No tears Bean, I’m here.”

Grace’s head turned quickly to Louis, her cries pausing as she made grab hands at him, “Boo” she cried.

Louis shook his head, “We really have to work on your name for me love,” he said as he reached into her crib to pick her up.

She grabbed his sweater tightly as she rubbed her face in his shoulder, “There’s a love, dry your eyes.” He rubbed her back as he made his way over to the change table to get her a fresh diaper and outfit for the day.

“So, you are going to meet some of my best friends, brothers really, I am going to apologize in advance, there a bit weird, but I promise you will come to love them, just give them a chance,” he joked.

Once Grace was all set, the pair made their way down the stairs to the kitchen, where Niall had already started in on his breakfast. Liam turned to him apologetically, Louis let out a laugh, not surprised, as Niall could only resist food for so long.

“Don’t forget to chew,” Louis joked as he readjusted Grace to rest on his hip as he set about making her some formula before he would share some of his breakfast with her,  _we really need to go shopping,_  he thought.

“So you have a baby?” Liam questioned as he watched Louis with Grace.

He hesitated, “It’s a little complicated.”

“No kidding, what the hell Lou,” Liam hissed in frustration.

Louis sighed, “Could we save the Spanish inquisition until after breakfast, I’ll set Grace up with some toys and a cartoon and you can yell at me till the cows come home.”

Liam exhaled, “I don’t want to yell at you Lou.”

Louis shrugged, “Feels like you do.”

Liam’s mouth set in a frown, clearly holding back his response, “After breakfast, yeah?” He finally said.

“Her name’s Grace?” Niall asked, looking up from his food, “your new tattoo?”

For a moment Louis had forgotten he had posted that picture to his Instagram account, “Yeah, she’s my saving Grace.”

Niall smiled, “How incredibly sappy of you.”

Louis laughed.

“Don’t think you are off the hook with me either, you forgot to mention somethings when we spoke.”

Louis looked down, trying to ignore the guilt building in his stomach, “Sorry,” he mumbled.

Niall hummed, “Indeed,” he said going back to his food.

Grace pushed the bottle away from her as she looked at Louis. “All done love?”

She nodded and rested her head against his shoulder, her gaze falling to the unfamiliar pair, “Oo?” she asked.

Louis smiled, “That is your Uncle Liam and your Uncle Niall.”

The pair looked at Grace and gave her a tiny wave, Louis didn’t miss the choked up looks on both their faces as he called them Uncle. “Now who’s sappy,” he joked.

“Shut up,” they both said. 

Louis pulled his breakfast in front of him, not recognizing the packaging, but figuring he has spent enough time with them over the years for them to know what he likes. He put aside some food he could give Grace later, once she was more awake. The group sat in awkward silence as they ate, not sure what to talk about.

Louis was grateful for Mac finally joining them, knowing she would provide them with a good distraction from the elephant in the room.

As she sat at the kitchen table, she turned to Liam and Niall, “Now that I am fully clothed, I’m Mackenzie, but everyone calls me Mac, it’s a pleasure to meet you both,” she smiled friendly at them. Louis could tell they were both instantly charmed by her.

“Sorry about the rude awakening,” Niall smiled.

She laughed and nodded, turning her attention to Grace, “Good morning Bean,” she smiled.

Grace smiled from her place on Louis lap, “Ma, Ma!” she cried happily.

Louis grinned, he was glad Mac was feeling a little more sorted today, he knew Grace didn’t understand why her mother was so distant, it was good to see a smile on both their faces.

“Did you call Alberto?” Mac asked, as she started in on her breakfast.

“Shit, no. Sorry.”

“If she starts swearing before her first birthday Lou, I’m going to be pissed.”

Louis just laughed, “Pot, kettle,” was all he said.

“Shut up,” she snorted.

Louis passed Grace over to Niall, who had finished his breakfast, as he ran to grab his cellphone from upstairs. He sent off a quick message to Alberto to let him know the plan for the day, as he made his way back downstairs.

He paused before entering the kitchen; he couldn’t help the warm feeling that came over him as he listened to the trio laugh and joke around with Grace. For all Louis has been feeling lost and confused, this moment right here, he never felt more at home. This is what he has been looking for; he just didn’t realize it was in front of him the whole time.

* * *

 

It was a few nights later that saw Louis sprawled out on the couch, with the highlights of some football game playing in the background. He rested one hand over his eyes, more tired than he cared to admit, the other gently resting on Grace’s back as she slept on his stomach. He knew he should have gotten up and gone to bed, but he just couldn’t be bothered to move.

It had been a long few days. His breakfast with the boys earlier in the week had been less painful than he thought. Both he and Mac enjoying their breakfast with Liam and Niall. Once Mac had left, Louis had set Grace up in the living room with some toys and managed to find a morning cartoon on to distract her.

When the trio had made themselves comfortable on the couches, Louis hadn’t been sure where to start, so he stayed quiet, knowing that one of the boys would speak up sooner rather than later, Liam especially hated awkward silence.

“What the hell were you thinking Louis?” Liam finally asked, his anger at Louis seeping through.

Louis sighed; he shot a glance off at Niall who held his hands up to let Louis know that he was on his own.

“It’s a long story,” he started.

Annoyed, Liam replied, “I’ve got nowhere to be today.”

Louis nodded as he looked down at his clasped hands, not wanting to make contact with either of the boys.

“That day in LA,” he started, “I sort of broke.”

“What do you mean you broke?” Liam asked.

“Let him get this out Li,” Niall said softly, encouraging Louis to continue.

Louis nodded gratefully at Niall, still not looking up as he continued, “It was my breaking point.” He sighed as he looked up at Liam, his expression tired, and tears welled in in his eyes at the memory. “I never wanted to go on hiatus. When you guys brought it up, I was angry and resentful at the idea. Then I turned scared, and I let that fear take over. I was scared that you all were tired of being One Direction, tired of being with me. You could all have these great careers on your own, I needed you more than you needed me,” he admitted, “So I tried to do everything I could to make you all happy. I figured it you guy were happy you would be more likely to come back.”

“Louis, I don’t even know here to start with that. You crazy idiot. Of course we need you. We aren’t One Direction without you. We survived without Zayn, but we could never survive without you,” Liam said adamantly.

Louis shrugged.

“You don’t believe me?” Liam asked offended.

“I’m working on it,” he answered.

Liam sighed and turned to Niall, “Were you aware of this?”

“Not at first, it wasn’t until he called that he admitted it.”

Liam sighed, “That crazy thought aside Louis, you should have talked to us. Your happiness is just as important as ours. If we knew you felt that way we would have found a way to make us all happy, and reassure you that we aren’t going anywhere. We’re more than a band Lou, we are family.”

Louis nodded, “I know that now. But back then I let my fears take control. I was terrified it was the beginning of the end, that if we didn’t get the break you all would walk, so I wanted to do everything I could so you wouldn’t leave me,” he paused, “which is why I did something stupid.”

They both turned to look at him expectantly as they waited for him to continue. “I knew the talks with the label and management weren’t going to go anywhere, so I offered them a deal.”

 “What the fuck did you do Louis,” Niall swore.

Louis turned away from the pair, “I told them if they let you boys go free of the contract, they would have free reign of me for a year to do whatever promo they needed, and I would remain a free agent for the following year as well.”

“Oh Louis,” Niall said sadly, “Why would you do something like that?”

“I knew they were never going to let us out of our, not without a fight. I figured I was expendable, I had no plans,” he shrugged, “I figured it was the least I could do to get you guys your break. I didn’t think it was a big deal, I had done it before, guess they were more pissed than I realized, they ended up really doing a number on me. They were hell bent on ruining my reputation and by extension the band, they wanted to make me pay for us leaving.”

Liam got up and stormed out of the room. Louis wasn’t sure where he went, but he heard a muffled, “Fuck”, come from somewhere behind him.

“I could just throttle you Lou,” Niall said in frustration.

Louis nodded as he looked over at Grace who was blissfully unaware of what was going on, as she altered her attention from the TV to the toys in front of her.

Liam came back in a few moments later, before aggressively pulling Louis up off the couch and into his arms. He wrapped his arms tightly around Louis and whispered, “You’re the best of us Lou.”

Louis let out a chocked sob as he gripped Liam, burying his head in his shoulder, as he just held Liam tightly. They stayed like that for a few minutes before they pulled away, each going back to their original seat.

Niall waited a beat before asking, “How bad did it get Lou?”

He sighed, “Pretty bad. I barely got a minutes rest as they had me all over, doing promo for others, basically whatever they could get their hands on. Every model or actress who wanted a bump, I was flown out to parade around with them. It was never ending. They even talked about having a pregnancy scare at one point.”

“Jesus Lou, why didn’t you tell one of us.”

“You all enjoying your break, I didn’t want to ruin that for you. I thought I could handle it. Between being run ragged, the press and the fans, the drinking got out of hand and I started to spiral,” he paused, “my inner demons just got too strong, I couldn’t fight them anymore.”

“Lou, nothing is as important as your health, mental or physical, you should have talked to one of us.”

Louis nodded, “I know that now.”

“Do you? Cause we would have fought them Lou, there was no option for us staying, if it cost us all our money we were in for that fight. It wasn’t on you to take than on by yourself.” Niall yelled, his frustration at Louis clear.

“I’m sorry!” Louis said with a raised voice, throwing his arms up in frustration, “I know I messed up, ok, I get it. But you don’t know what it’s like in my head! I can’t stop these thoughts and how they make me feel. I want to be strong enough to believe what you are telling me, but I’m not!” He cried.

“Oh Lou,” Liam said, moving to sit beside him, wrapping an arm around him in comfort, “I’m sorry you felt you couldn’t talk to us.”

“It’s not your fault,” Louis responded.

“Yes it is, we should have found a way for you to feel comfortable to talk to us about this.”

Louis shook his head, “I didn’t even recognize it myself Li, there wasn’t anything you could have done.”

Liam just shook his head, “We’ll do better,” he offered.

Louis smiled at his friend, “Love you Li,” he said as he pulled Liam into an awkward hug.

“You and me are going to have a serious talk about this soon,” Liam whispered, and Louis had to laugh, “Yes Daddy Direction.”

Liam shoved him off with a laugh and returned to his previous spot on the couch.

“Li is right Lou, I think we all need to do better as a bad, we need to be more open with each other. We need to have a serious discussion all four of us. If we can’t be honest with each other, then we won’t last. We have a lot ahead of us in terms of bringing One Direction back, and it needs to start with the four of us connecting again.”

Louis smiled and agreed, “I think you are right.” The thought terrified Louis, of revealing to them all that went on in his head, but he knew Liam and Niall was right, they needed to be more open and honest with each other.

“So after what happened at my place, you just, what decided to run away.” Liam asked, focusing the conversation back to Louis.

“As I said was broken man. Fighting with Harry that night was just the last straw, I really scared myself that night.”

“You scared us all that night Lou,” Liam said, “Harry was a wreck after you bolted, and then when you went MIA, he blamed himself.”

Louis shook his head surprised, “Surprised he wasn’t relieved,” he said snidely.

“Lou, that’s not fair,” Liam said.

He shrugged, “Sorry, guess I was just surprised he even noticed I was gone.”

Liam sighed, “He was a lot more upset than he was willing to admit to either of us. When he got that text from you Lou, I thought Anne was going to have to pull him away from everything. He didn’t leave his flat for a week, he was thinking the worst Lou. He blamed himself entirely. It wasn’t until you talked to Niall that he pulled himself together, then went back to being pissed as hell at you, just like the rest of us.”

“I never blamed Harry Li. I was honestly surprised when Niall told me he was upset from my text, as far as I knew, he hated me. I don’t even remember ending it, truth be told.”

“You two really need to talk and clear the air,” Liam said, hinting that he knew more than he was letting on.

Louis shrugged, “I’ll send him a message once I have things sorted.”

“Lou, he deserves more than that.”

“What do you want me to say Li!” his voice raised in frustration, “We’ve barely spoken in years, he has gone out of his way to not only push me out of his life, but to actively avoid me as well. You telling me he was upset is honest to God the first indication that he gave a fuck about me in years. So excuse me if I need a moment to figure out what to even say to him.”

Liam and Niall looked at him, both surprised by his reaction. While Louis could be loud and outspoken, he rarely raised his voice at the boys.

Niall nodded apologetically, “Sorry Lou, you’re right, you need to do this in your own time.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell.”

Liam waved him off, “Niall is right, we shouldn’t pressure you into talking to Harry before you are ready. Even though we both think you are a right idiot on this and should grow up and just talk to him.”

“Thanks.” Was all Louis said in response.

“So what happened after that?” Liam asked, encouraging Louis to continue. 

He sighed, “I made arrangements to fly out to Hawaii. I figured it was isolated enough I wouldn’t have to worry too much about press and being seen,” they both nodded at his logic, “I had only planned to stay three months. Figured it was enough time to cool off, let my lawyers work to break me from the deal with Modest, figure out what was going on I my head and sort out what to do next until the hiatus was over or to do in case we didn’t get back together.’

Liam shook his head, “If we have to keep reassuring you till we are old and grey, we will, we are getting back together Lou, all four of us, that hasn’t changed, and I don’t see it ever changing. We may go off and do our own thing every now and then, but we will always come back to each other.”

“I’m working on believing that.”

“Good, and when you start doubting, let one of us know, and we’ll knock that thought clean from your head,” Niall added.

Louis laughed, “Deal.”

“So three months and you were supposed to be back, what changed?”

Louis smiled, “I met Mac.”

“Oooh am I sensing a romance?” Liam teased.

Louis chuckled, “You couldn’t be farther from the truth.”

They both looked at him surprosed, “Wait what?” Niall asked.

“Mac was my neighbour. I met her one night, she was yelling at Grace’s biological father and threw her phone into the ocean,” he laughed at the memory, “After that we started spending time together, sometimes just her and I, sometimes the three of us. Surprisingly it has never been romantic between us. From the very beginning we just connected. She has become my best friend, my soul mate in a purely platonic way.”

“Wow,” Liam said stunned.

“Ya, she is amazing. She just got what was going on in my head, she listened and called me out on my BS when needed, and she trusted me with Grace.” Louis smiled as he looked over at Grace.

“So are you like raising her together?” Niall asked.

Louis shrugged, “Pretty much, we haven’t signed anything official or anything like that, but we’ve talked, and Mac wants me to be that for Grace.”

“What about her biological Dad?”

“He’s an asshole who didn’t want her. Mac had him sign away his rights before Grace was born.”

“As long as you are sure this is what you want, you know we will support you one hundred percent,” Liam said, Niall nodding in agreement.

“I haven’t been sure of a lot lately, but there is no doubt in my mind that I want to raise Grace as my own.”

“And you are seriously telling us there is nothing going on between you and Mac? Have you seen her? She is gorgeous, funny, daughter of our football hero! Plus the two of you seemed pretty cozy this morning,” Niall said with a wink.

Louis laughed, “Promise, we’ve never been anything more than friends. Last night everything just hit her and she needed a shoulder to cry on. All on the up and up.”

“Well then congrats, it’s a girl,” Niall joked.

They all laughed, “Thanks Nialler.”

Louis sighed, “Another reason I stayed hidden longer was I ended up in the hospital. I don’t know exactly what happened that night, but I apparently drank myself, almost to death. Mac thinks I had a panic attack that night and then started drinking and didn’t stop.”

“Lou, are you ok?” Liam said, concerned.

He nodded, “I am now, it was pretty scary. Haven’t touched the stuff since but I have had other panic attacks, scared the shit out of me, and Mac says I have these moments of increased anxiety. She has been encouraging me to see someone about it, but just haven’t mustered up to courage to do so. Hard thing to admit you need help on.”

They both nodded in understanding, “There is no shame in asking for help Lou, we all need to from time to time, and if they can help you deal with what’s going on in your head, then you should absolute talk to someone,” Niall said.

“I know. Being back here, back in the limelight, I know I am going to need help. With Mac’s dad in the hospital, she needs me to be strong, and I don’t think I can do that on my own.”

“Good,” Liam agreed, “And we are here for you man, you need anything, a shoulder to cry on, babysitter, whatever, we are here.”

“Thanks Li, that means a lot.”

“We’re family Lou, don’t even think about it.”

After that Louis told them about Dom and Mac talking over his PR and management, revealing some of their ideas to them. Both Liam and Niall were impressed, they also hadn’t realized the siblings were in the business; Niall also wasn’t over that he had met Danny Wynn’s daughter, he had joked that he was glad he didn’t get star struck when she ate breakfast with them.

They had stayed and kept Louis company until he got a call from Mac, giving him the ok to bring Grace for a quick visit. The group had also pulled together a list of all the things Louis needed in his house, and Niall had promised to take care of it while Louis was at the hospital with Grace.

He knew the boys had gone easy on him, and that there were probably still some tough conversations ahead, but Louis was glad that his first in person conversation with Liam and Niall had gone fairly well. It was emotionally draining, and he had to focus hard on keeping himself calm and his thoughts clear, but he kept reminding himself that it could have been worse.

It later that same day that things started to go south. When Louis and Grace had arrived at the hospital, their visit went much as the day before. Flashes going off as soon as he exited the car, Paps screaming rude things at him trying to get a rise before he disappeared into the hospital. Mac and her family had been happy to see them, there hadn’t been much change with Mac’s dad, but sometimes no news is good news. They were well into their visit when they were all startled by the loud noise coming from the machines hooked up to Mac’s dad.

Louis still remembers Mac’s cries as her father’s heart stopped. They were laughing at Grace bopping Louis on the nose with one of her toys when the machines attached to Mac’s dad started to go off. It only took them a moment to realize that his heart was stopped. Louis will never forget that sound. They all stood up as nurses and doctors started rushing in, trying to push them all out of the way.

“Daddy, please no!” Mac cried, sobs wracked her chest as she fell to the floor.

Louis passed Grace over to Dom quickly and pulled Mac up to him.

Louis held her as they watched from the corner of the room as the doctors tried to get his heart started again. His grip tightened every time she begged, “please don’t die, you can’t leave me.” It was the longest five minutes of his life, when they finally heard the small beat that meant his heart started to beat again. They all let out a sigh of relief, as Mac wrapped her arms around his neck and cried, “Please make it better Louis, please,” she begged him. He didn’t know how to answer her, knowing there was nothing he could do, so he just pulled her closer as she cried in her arms.

The doctors told them he developed a clot post-surgery, it wasn’t uncommon but was a serious complication. They spoke a whole bunch of medical jargon that left Louis confused, so all he could take away from that conversation was that they were going to monitor Danny closely and give him some new medication that should help prevent any further complication; ultimately he wasn’t out of the woods yet.

He knew the family needed some time to gather themselves after that scare, and he could tell that Naira needed to break, but was putting on a brave face for him and Grace. So when Grace had started to fuss not long after and Louis thought it best to use that as the excuse for them to leave. He hugged the Wynn family as they left; telling Dom to call him if things took a turn or if there was anything he could do to help. Dam had given him a sad smile and assured him that he was already doing it.

While Louis had never officially met Danny Wynn, and was still getting to know the whole Wynn family, he was emotionally drained from the visit. He couldn’t imagine what they were going through. Louis wasn’t a religious man but he was praying for a miracle.

When he finally made it home, he was grateful for Niall, everything they needed was there and put away properly,  _OCD little Irish freak,_ Louis had thought to himself with a laugh. The fridge was also full of food, and it looked like Niall had gone a little crazy at the toy store. All in all, it was one less thing he had to worry about.

Grace had screamed in delight when she saw all her new toys, and quickly latched on to a stuffed monkey in a tutu; she clung to it in lieu of her bear as he put her down for her afternoon nap.

It was while Grace was sleeping that Louis received a message from Dom. It was a link to an article in the Sun that included several pictures from inside the hospital. It was mostly of his back, playing with Grace, comforting Mac and so forth. The headline read,  _One Direction Louis Tomlinson spends time with daughter and comforting n-laws at London hospital_. Dom assured him his team was on and not to worry about it, they would get it sorted and make sure no more pictures were taken in the hospital. It was clearly a staff member or patient looking for a quick cash grab, that had taken them.

He was angry; it was a huge invasion of privacy, for all of them. He hadn’t miss this while he had been away. He took for granted the ability to just be, and not have every movement placed under a microscope.

With this article, he knew his family would be well aware that he had come out of hiding. He knew he needed to call his mother, he could only imagine how angry and disappointed in him she was, but he could no longer put it off.

He made himself a cup of tea, and sat down in the living room and called his mother. His phone rung a few times before his mother had picked up.

“Hello,” came her familiar voice.

He paused for a brief moment before he was able to get out a choked, “Hi Mom.”

There was silence for a few moments, “Louis?” she asked.

“Ya mom it’s me.”

Louis was then met with a dial tone. He pulled the phone away from his ear and looked at it sadly. He knew he shouldn’t have been surprised at the reaction, but it still hurt nonetheless. He dropped the phone on his lap as he felt tears roll down his cheeks and went to wipe them away. He took several deeps breaths trying to calm himself as he felt the familiar prickling of panic gnaw at his stomach.

Louis wasn’t sure how long he stared off into space when his cellphone rang. Looking at the caller ID, he tentatively accepted, “Mom?” he asked hesitantly.

Several minutes passed with only the sound of his mother’s breath coming through the other line.

“I’m so sorry Mom,” Louis said, after it was clear that she wasn’t going to speak. “I know I messed up, I never meant to hurt you, or worry you. I was just lost, God I was so lost. I felt like I was drowning and I just wanted it to stop. I have so much to tell you, to explain everything. I just… I’m just so sorry, for everything.” Louis rambled, trying to get every thought in his head out, but not doing a good job of having it make sense.

Louis heard his mother sob on the other end, she still didn’t speak as he not only heard her tears but felt them. Each sob was like a stab to his heart. He did this to his mother. He had so much to make up for her. His mother, who always stood beside him, encouraged him, loved him. He should have never turned away from her.

“Oh Mom, I am so sorry,” he sobbed over and over again. “Please say something.”

His mother stayed silent before his ears were met with a dial tone. He threw his phone away and started to cry. He felt his chest start to tighten; it was becoming harder to breath as his pulse raced. He recognized the signs of a panic attack, but felt himself spiraling. He curled up into a ball on the floor in front of his couch as he tried to breathe through his sobs.

He wasn’t sure how long he stayed like that. The next thing he knew, he heard Mac call out to him, but he couldn’t find his voice. He felt a hand on his forehead, as he tried to get his vision to clear.

“Breathe Louis,” Mac said, as she tried to get him to match her breathing.

When it wasn’t working, Mac began to get concerned. “You need to calm down Louis.”

He was trying; he just didn’t seem to be able to catch his breath.

“Everything is going to be ok Louis, you and me can face anything. We are going to get through it. We just have to take it one day at a time,” she comforted, “Shhh love, you are going to be ok.”

Louis took gasping deep breaths trying to calm down.

“That’s it love, look at me, focus on me.”

Louis managed to take off the desperation of his breathing. When his breathing started to calm down, Mac took him through the same exercise of bringing him present in the moment, asking him to name things he saw, smelt and heard.

The ringing of his phone of his phone, cause him to curl into himself, and shake his head, as if to make the ringing stop. Mac turned to find his phone, seeing it was his mother she answered.

“Hello?” she answered.

“I’m sorry, he can’t come to the phone right now Mrs. Deakin, he is in the middle of a panic attack and I need to get him to calm, can I have him call you back?” She replied, while rubbing a comforting hand up and down his back, “I’m sorry, I promise to have him call you as soon as he is able to.” Mac said before hanging up.

She turned to give Louis a sad look as she moved to curl up with him on the floor. “Oh love, what is going on in that head of yours? Only one of us is supposed to go crazy at a time, and I already called dibs.”

Louis let out a choked laughed as he grabbed onto her hand. They say there in silence while Louis collected himself.

“You ok love?” she finally asked.

“Yeah,” he said his hoarse voice from crying. “I’m sorry,” he added.

“You have nothing to apologize for Louis. You can’t control a panic attack, so I don’t want to hear it.”

 “I know, but you have enough on your plate, you don’t need to be worrying about me and my mental head.”

Mac gently hit him upside the head, “None of that, I don’t want to hear you speak like that about yourself, you hear me?”

Louis nodded “Sorry.”

“And cut that out too.”

“Yes mam,” he sassed.

“Don’t be smart,” she laughed fondly at him.

Louis just gave her a sad smile.

“You want to tell me what happened.”

He paused for a few moments to gather his thoughts. “I called my mom earlier, she, uh, she didn’t want to talk to me,” he said sadly, “she hung up on me twice without saying anything.”

“Oh Lou, I am sorry.”

He shrugged, “I should have excepted it.”

Mac nodded, “Still, doesn’t make it hurt any less. She called back, she obviously wants to talk to you, she may just not have the words yet. Be patient with her love.”

“I’ll try,” he said and took in the two of them curled up on his living room floor. He took a moment to take Mac in, her eyes tired and puffy, her normal put together-self looking dishevelled and ragged. “How are you doing?”

Mac sighed, “I have my moments. We all had a good cry after you left. He remained stable for the rest of the day, still hasn’t woken up,” she shrugged, “I just want him to open his eyes, he can yell at me till the cows come home, I don’t care, I just want him to wake up.”

Louis couldn’t help but feel ashamed, his own personal drama seemed so inconsequential.

“None of that Louis,” she said softly, gently lifting his head to look at her, “You can’t compare our situations right now, and you don’t need to feel bad that you aren’t handling things as well as you wanted to,” she smiled at him, “It’s ok to fall down every now and then and ask for help to get up. Lord knows I am going to need you, so don’t ever feel ashamed of needing me. We are a team you and I, and no matter what I am going through I will be there for you, just as I know you will be there for me.”

Louis tried to pull his face away, but she wouldn’t let him, “Lou, you don’t think I don’t know what you’ve done while I’ve been a mess? You arranged everything for us to get back here, not thought to your own mental health, you’ve looked after me, made sure I didn’t go into a state, and most importantly, you have been taking care of Grace. That means more to me than you will ever know.”

He smiled, “I didn’t do anything more than anyone else would.”

“God you are so stubborn. Yes you have Louis, so stop being a martyr and accept the damn compliment.”

Louis couldn’t help but laugh, leave it to Mac to comfort him and give him a boost, when he knew she would rather be tucked away somewhere hiding from the world.

“You are one of a kind Mac.”

“I know,” she said cheekily. She pushed herself up and looked down at him with a soft smile, “Now, let’s get you up off the floor and order some take out. I am in no mood to cook, or suffer through your bad cooking. I need grease and I need it now.”

“Deal,” Louis nodded and pushed himself up, “You go order us some food, I know Niall got us lots of treats, so we can balance the grease with sugar, and I will call my mom back.”

She nodded as she moved towards the kitchen, “Good luck.”

Louis grabbed his phone and dialled his mother, and waited. She didn’t pick up, he left a short message, apologizing again and asking her to call him.

That night, he and Mac had ordered an obscene amount of food, and pilled it all in the living room as then binge watched whatever hit their fancy on Netflix. That was pretty much how they spent the past few days.

Mac would head into the hospital early, Louis would lounge around the house with Grace, before heading over for a quick visit, and their nights were filled with bad comedies and food. Louis would call his mother once a day and leave a voicemail, she never picked up and she never called him back. It was hard for him to not breakdown after every failed attempt, but he managed.

He knew he was being unrealistic in expecting everyone to be as accepting as Liam and Niall were, their initial conversations had given him false sense of security, even though he knew there was still a lot of work to rebuild the trust with them, their first talks made Louis a little stronger. Truth is, he wouldn’t mind if his mother wanted to yell and scream at him for days, it would be better than the silence. So he steeled himself to call his mother every day until he could make the trip up to see her in person. He didn’t want to head up to Donny until Mac’s dad was stable.

That is how Louis found himself half asleep on the couch with Grace on top of him, with a smile on his face. Earlier that day, Mac had called him all excited, her dad had opened his eye, and then again later in the day. The doctors said it was a good sign that he was getting stronger, and were expecting him to be more awake the next day.

If everything went well, he would be able to sneak away to Donny that weekend, and hopefully his mother would let him in the front door.

He was just waiting for Mac to get home, for them to start their evening tradition when the doorbell rang. Louis looked at the door confused, he wasn’t expecting anyone, and not just anyone could walk up to his front door and ring the bell.

Hel looked down at Grace, who had only slightly stirred from the nose to the door. Cursing, he tried to manoeuver himself off the couch. With a finesse he didn’t know he possessed, he managed without walking Grace. He started to make his way to the door when the doorbell rang again, “I’m coming, I’m coming,” he said to no one in particular.

He looked down at Grace whose eyes were now open and looking at him, “Well hello there Bean, sorry to wake you.”

She made no movement or noise as she looked at him, but her head turned when she heard the doorbell ring for the third time. “I wonder who could be so impatiently ring that bell Bean. Maybe it’s your Uncle Niall with the shits,” he laughed and looked down at her, “Let’s not tell your mom about that word,” he joked as he opened the door.

“You are a right bastard Louis,” came an angry voice Louis had not expected to hear.

His head snapped up from looking at Grace to the person standing on his front step. “Harry?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Side note:
> 
> How many of you actually guessed who was at the door??
> 
>  
> 
> So writing those these (and future scenes) with Louis' mom is tough, but I didn't want to add in that painful bit of reality to the story. As always my love goes to Louis and his family, it is never easy to lose a family member.
> 
> Xo


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all!
> 
> I am soooo sorry this took me so long to get out. Work has been a nightmare, I am a team of one, so when shit hits the fan I have to do it all myself (being adult sucks sometimes), add in chritsmas, and so much friend drama I thought I was back in high school, it was hard to get this chapter out. Thanks to all who gave this story some love, i hope you enjoy the next chapter. Always love to hear your thoughts.
> 
> Wishing you all a happy new year, hopefully 2018 will be a better year!
> 
> All the love!
> 
> xo

-8- 

 _Hey there, Mr. Tin Man_ _, I'm glad we talked this out_

  

“You are a right bastard Louis,” came an angry voice Louis had not expected to hear.

His head snapped up from looking at Grace to the person standing on his front step, “Harry?” he said confused.

“What the fuck is wrong with you!” he continued to yell.

It took Louis a moment to get over his shock of not only Harry standing at his front door, but a clearly very angry Harry standing at his front door. When his brain finally caught up, he looked down at Grace who was going back and forth between look at him and Harry.

Louis sighed, “I would appreciate if you would watch your mouth mate,” he said gesturing to Grace, “Why don’t you come in so you can continue to yell at me where my neighbours can’t hear.”

Harry at least had the good conscious to look guilty as he made his way into Louis house, looking around to see if Louis’ non-existent neighbours heard him. Louis said nothing as he motioned for Harry to follow him inside, expecting Harry to close the door behind him as he made his back into the living.

He grabbed a few of Grace’s toys to put inside the play pen with her. When he went to put Grace down she shook her head as her small fists grabbed his shirt tightly. She looked behind him, then back at Louis and shook her head, “No!” she said firmly.

Louis looked at her in concern, “What’s wrong love?”

“Boo, no!” she mumbled as she buried her head in his shoulder, shaking as she kept repeating herself. 

“You don’t want to play?” he asked softly, running a hand over her back.

Grace’s head shot up as they both head Harry behind them, “No, no!”

Louis turned to look at Harry behind him, her reluctance to be put down suddenly dawning on him. He sighed, “Sorry, you scared her a bit,” he said.

Harry looked down in guilt, “sorry,” he muttered. Louis was suddenly hit with all the memories of young Harry being scolded by their management team every time he so much as breathed wrong.

“None of that Harold,” Louis quipped.

Harry’ head snapped to attention, shock and disbelief etched on his face, as if he wasn’t sure he had heard correctly. Suddenly feeling embarrassed at using one of his old nicknames for Harry, he quickly dismissed it as he moved closer to him so Grace could see that Harry’s ark was very much worse than his bite. 

“You going to say hello to my friend Harry,” Louis prodded, as he tried to turn Grace to look at Harry.

She cautiously glanced at him from her protected spot in Louis shoulder. “Say hello Harry,” he muttered as he looked Harry in the eyes, trying to convey he needed to put Grace at ease if he was ever going to be able to put her down. 

“Hello monkey,” Harry finally said, his usual goofy grin on his face. Seeing no reaction out of Grace Harry continued, “I know you don’t really know me, that’s because your dad was a little stinker and disappeared on us all, otherwise we would have met well before now.”

Louis looked at Harry in shock, not all surprised at the shit-eating grin that looked back at him, unable to keep his amusement hidden, Louis simply responded with “How very dare of you Harold,” and Louis was almost blinded by the smile that Harry gave him. 

As if sensing he was no longer tense around this stranger, Grace pulled back from Louis to give Harry a closer look. Both Louis and Harry said nothing as they let her continue her inspection of Harry, she finally rested her head back on Louis shoulder, her thumb making its way to her mouth, having decided to trust that Harry wasn’t too scary after all. 

“Looks like you passed,” Louis said as he made his way back to Grace’s playpen, “For now,” he added cheekily.

Harry said nothing as he watched Louis put Grace down, lifting up on of her stuffed toys and bopping her on the nose, causing a loud giggle to escape her as she latched onto the toy. Standing up, he grabbed the TV remote and quickly finds something to keep her entertained when she grew tired of her toys. He looked back at Grace, smiling softly before turning back to Harry, motioning for Harry to follow him to the kitchen, which gave him a clear view of the living room, while still be far enough that Grace would be protected from some of the more heated comments he was expecting to come out of Harry’s mouth.

Louis turned, leaning against the counter, raised eyebrow as he waited for Harry to start speaking. It was several awkward moments with not so much as a sigh from Harry; he was looking down at his shoes as if afraid to speak. 

“I believe you were right in the middle of yelling at me,” Louis said, trying to draw out some sort of reaction from Harry. Angry Harry he could handle; quiet Harry he could never handle. Quiet Harry reminded him of a wounded puppy, and he normally would have done anything within his power to make everything better. Now he was at a complete loss. 

“You left,” Harry said softly, still not looking at him. 

Louis breathed in to respond but Harry held up his hand silencing him. “You left without a word to any of us,” he started, “I thought maybe it was just me, I wouldn’t have blamed you for that, but when I leant that no one knew where you were, I kept thinking, that’s not my Louis, Louis would never just disappear and not tell his family.” He paused. 

“But you did, and you stayed gone, with no word, except for some reassurance from your lawyer that you were ok, and then that text,” Harry looked up, his eyes brimmed with tears, “I thought the worse.” 

Louis chocked on a sob, “Harry, I never meant for that to happen,” he hesitated, “I don’t really remember that night, but I never wanted you to ever have to think I had ever done something stupid like that.” 

Harry shook his head, “That’s all well and good Louis, but you did. I was devastated, thinking I would never see you again,” he said heatedly, “you fucking broke me.” 

Louis looked at the floor guiltily, unable to withstand the heated look Harry was giving him. 

“Do you get what you put me and your mother through, not to mention the boys and the rest of your family.”

Frustrated Louis through his hands up, “What do you want me to say Harry? I fucked up, big surprise.”

“Don’t pull that woe is me shit, Louis.”

“Yeah well what do you expect, you pulling this holier than though crap, like what I did was intentional and designed to hurt you. News flash you have occupied very little of my life the past few years, so not every move I make is about you!” he yelled in frustration. 

Louis couldn’t help the guilt that churned in his stomach as he watched his words hit Harry, till his face crumbled before him.

“That may be true,” Harry said, clearing his voice of the lump in the back of his throat, “but that doesn’t mean I don’t care.” 

Louis shook his head, his stubbornness getting the better of him, “Ya well I was I supposed to know that, you’ve done a bang up job of pushing me out of your life to the point where I wonder if you even remember my name.”

Harry let out a sardonic laugh, “You have no idea what I have done for you, what I have put myself through for you, so don’t you dare stand there and tell me I don’t care.”

Louis looked at him strangely, “What are you going on about? You are the one that dropped me like yesterday’s milk when your new fancy friends came along.”

Harry shook his head, “It doesn’t matter,” he tried to brush off. 

“No, please continue with your guilt trip, what great sacrifices have you made for me while you were ignoring my existence? You think you are the only one to have made sacrifices for you, for this group.”

“Don’t,” Harry said, “You don’t get to turn this around on me. I’m not the one who fucking left without a care for anyone but themselves.” 

“Fuck you Harry, you have no idea what I was going through, so don’t you dare judge me. I may have made mistakes and I shouldn’t have left without telling anyone, but don’t you dare diminish my need to put myself first for once.” 

Harry took a few calming breaths, “Well maybe if you opened up to one of us, talked to us instead of taking everything on yourself we could have helped you.”

“After how you dropped me, do you ever think I could open up to you? You hurt me more then you will ever know.” Louis said softly.

Harry cut Louis off before he could respond, “And then you stroll back into town like it’s no big deal, like we all haven’t been sick with worry, and I have to find out from Liam that you have gotten in touch with everyone but me! Nothing, not even a I’m back, silence, and I know Liam told you how worried I was, and you just brush me off.”

Louis had no response, he had been trying to figure out what to say to Harry since he met with the boys, but he could never find the words or the courage to reach out.

“And to make matters worse, you show up with this perfect little family! Throwing everything I have done and sacrificed down the drain and breaking my heart all over again.” He rambled, Louis wasn’t sure if he was still talking to him or to himself, especially when Harry looked at him in shock with what he just revealed. 

They stood staring at each other, both too scared to speak, feeling that they were on the cusp of really opening up to each other for the first time in years, but too scared to actually follow through.

They were stopped from responding by the mudroom door opening, “You better be ready to celebrate tonight Lou, it was a good day!” Mac called out.

Louis didn’t respond as he took in Harry’s reaction. As soon as he heard Mac’s voice, he visibly shut down, his body going tense, and his fists clenched at his sides.

“Lou?” Mac called again as she made her way into the house, Louis saw her come to a complete stop as she passed the kitchen, raising an eyebrow in silent question as she took in Harry’s presence.

“Shit, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to interrupt,” she said, giving Louis an apologetic look.

Harry shook his head, “No, I should go,” he said giving Louis one last sad look, “Your daughter is beautiful, always knew she would be,” he said softly as he moved towards the front door, not making eye contact with Mac. 

Louis was frozen in place and made no move to stop Harry, when his brain finally caught up to what was happening he rushed to catch up to Harry, not wanting to leave things how they were, but he was too late. Harry had rushed into his car that was parked off to the side of his laneway, if Louis hadn’t seen the car’s inside light turn on, he would have thought Harry had walked, which was ridiculous as he pretty much lived in the middle of nowhere, well as much as was possible in north London.

He made to get Harry’ attention but he had quickly turned his car on and moved to the gates, he called out to him when his window opened to enter in the key code to open the front gate, but he either didn’t hear him or was choosing to ignore him.

Louis sadly turned around and made his way back inside. Shutting the door behind him he sadly moved towards the living room, where he could hear Mac coo at Grace, who as giggling at her mother’s attention.

He didn’t say anything as he fell onto the couch. Mac turned to look at him, a frown on her face as she asked, “You ok Lou?”

He shrugged, “I’m not sure.”

“I take it your visit with Harry didn’t go well?”

He shook his head.

“I didn’t know he was coming over.”

“I didn’t either, he just showed up and started yelling at me before I could get him inside, gave Grace a bit of a fright.” 

Mac turned to look at Grace, “You weren’t sacred of bug bad Harry Styles, were you bean?” she asked, her voice light with amusement.

Mac turned her attention back to Louis and frowned as she took in his sad features, “What happened?” 

“I don’t really know. If I wasn’t messed up about Harry before, I sure am now,” he shrugged, “He kept going on about how much I had hurt him, and how I ruined everything he had sacrificed, he wasn’t making a lot of sense, but he was sure as hell angry with me.”

“Sounds familiar,” Mac said pointedly.

“No, it’s nothing like that,” he argued.

Mac said nothing, but her clearly didn’t believe him.

“I mean why would he do anything like what I did, when he no longer wanted to be friends.” 

Mac shrugged, “Maybe there is more to the story than you realize. Cause if he really didn’t care about you Lou, he wouldn’t have come all the way to yell at you, and he wouldn’t have been looking at you like his heart was breaking into a million pieces just being here.”

“No, no, he doesn’t care about me anymore, he made that more than clear over the past few years.”

Mac sighed sadly, “who are you trying to convince, me or you?”

* * *

In all honesty, Louis should have expected that Harry’s visit would eventually throw him for an emotional loop. It didn’t happen right away, rather crept up on him when he least expected it.

Throughout the rest of the week he felt off centre, he couldn’t put his finger on it, but there was just something gnawing at his insides that prevented him from sleeping properly or even focusing throughout the day, a point which Mac and Dom found most annoying as they fund sometime to sit down together and layout their plan for the next few months. He still wasn’t sure what was all involved, as he really wasn’t paying attention, he just knew he had some promo work for the voice, an interview with a magazine, most likely a photoshoot and some public appearances, when and where were still lost on him.

It wasn’t until the day before he planned to leave for Doncaster that the ramifications of Harry’s visit reared its ugly head. Mac was off visiting her dad with Grace at the hospital, while he was alert and awake, and Niall was over for to “kick your sorry ass at FIFA” he informed Louis as he made his way into Louis’ house.

He had messaged Liam and Niall the next morning after Harry’s visit to thank them for giving him a heads up and that he didn’t want to talk about it, and the boys hadn’t mentioned Harry again. Until Niall’s visit.

“How come Liam didn’t want to join us?” Louis had asked, while he concentrated on the TV in front of him, as he tried to steal the football away from Niall.

“He flew down to LA to see Harry, guess he was in a right fit after his visit here,” Niall said absent-mindedly.

Louis paused, surprised by Niall’s admission. He had been doing his very best to not think of Harry, trying to fight one mental battle at a time, as he was desperately trying to steel himself for his visit up north. “Oh,” he replied softly.

Niall cheered as his player scored on a distracted Louis. “You lose, I win!” he laughed as he tossed the controller on the table.

Louis whipped his head back to the TV and saw Niall was right, feeling like the walls were closing in on him, he cleared his throat and stood up, “Tea?” he asked as he quickly made his way to the kitchen.

“Cheers, mate,” he threw over his shoulder, as Louis tried to distract himself with his task at hand. 

The harder Louis tried to focus, the more his heart started to race, he couldn’t focus, he ended up dropping one of the mugs on the floor, and he cracked along with the glass.

He fell to the floor, not bothering to pick up the glass, as he tried to wrap himself into a ball and disappear from the world. He wanted to stop feeling like this, like he had no control over his own body and mind. He has no idea why just the very mention of Harry’s name caused him to panic. No wonder Harry didn’t want anything to do with him, he was weak, he was always the weakest link, they all should have left him a long time ago, they would have been better off. 

Louis wasn’t sure how long he sat curled up on the floor, rocking back and forth until he felt a hand on his arm trying to get his attention. He could vaguely hear Niall frantically calling his name, but he couldn’t respond. His mind was clouded with thoughts he didn’t want to be thinking.

Louis felt Niall’s arms wrap around him, as he tried to get Louis out of his head, but he just kept crying and rocking back and forth. “I got you Tommo,” he kept repeating over and over as he tried to comfort him.

Louis had no concept of time as he felt his mind and body continuing to spiral out of control. He had never felt like this before, and he had no idea how to make it stop, so he just managed to grab hold on Niall’s arm, needing all the strength and comfort he could get as he kept repeating to himself, “Please make it stop… I don’t want to hurt anymore… Please just make it stop.” 

Every time he repeated it to himself he could feel Niall gripping him tighter. The world around him starting to fade as he finally gave in to darkness. 

The next thing he remembers is slowly coming back to his senses, but he wasn’t where he last remembered. He blinked several times as he tried to focus. He could hear hushed voices close by and it took him a moment to recognize them as Niall and Mac.

“Why the hell haven’t you pushed for him to see someone!” came Niall’s angry voice.

“You can’t force someone to get help if they don’t want it. If he was a harm to himself, I would have taken him in kicking and screaming. He was just starting to warm up to the idea to talk to someone, so don’t you dare go accusing me of not caring for him.”

“Mac” Louis croaked out confused.

He quickly felt the bed dip and a hand brush his arm, “I’m here love.”

His mouth was dry, making it harder for him to form words, “What happened?” he managed to get out.

“You had another panic attack love,” she said softly as she stroked his fringe.

“What… why?” he asked confused, his mind still blurry.

“I think it had something to do with your visitor from earlier in the week.”

He paused trying to think, he was suddenly hit with a wave of emotions and memories, “Niall?” he cried out in a panic.

“Shh, he’s right here Louis, you need to stay calm.”

“Hey man,” Niall said softly as he approached the bed, “How you feeling?”

Louis took a moment, how did he feel, embarrassed that Niall and seen him like that, confused as to why he was hit so hard with a panic attack, angry at himself for being so weak, “Tired,” is what he finally answered with.

“Not surprised, you had quite a time with that,” he replied softly, no judgement in his voice, just concern.

“Sorry about that,” Loui said embarrassed.

“None of that, you hear me, you have nothing to be sorry for. Why don’t you try and get some more sleep, we’ll all chat in the morning when your heads cleared?”

Louis was too tired to argue, he nodded his head as he rolled over onto his side as he was quickly lulled back to sleep from Mac gently rubbing his back.

Louis woke up the next morning feeling like he just lost the drinking Olympics. Groaning he tried to sit up, only to find an odd weight on his chest. He looked down and smiled as he saw Mac curled into his chest. The smile quickly left his face as he remembered what happened the night before. He really needed to get a hold of himself. He did not want to go through the rest of his life walking around on eggshells scared of his next panic attack.

He was distracted from his thoughts but the muffled noises coming through the baby monitor on his night stand, looking back down at Mac, he tried to maneuver himself out from under her, and freezing every time she shifted. He eventually managed to get free, changing into some fresh clothes before he made his way into Grace’s room.

“Good morning bean,” he said softly as he peered into her crib.

Grace’s face light up when she saw him, “Boo!” she cried happily, clapping her hands together, before reaching up to him.

“Did you miss me love? Cause I missed you,” he cooed as he brought her to the changing table, “And I am going to miss you something crazy while I’m up in Donny, but you are going to be a good girl for Mommy, and I will be back before you know it.”

Grace just kept smiling at him as he changed her diaper and put her in a new outfit for the day, “There all fresh,” he smiled as he picked up back up. The pair made their way downstairs, Grace’s giggles the only sound in the house, as he set her down in her high chair.

“What shall it be for breakfast today love? We’ve got cheerios, some fruit, any of that sound good,” he said to her, looking over his shoulder. 

Grace puffed her lips as she appeared to be debating her options. Louis laughed at her face as he went about cutting up some of the fruit and giving her a handful of cereal, before going to fix himself some tea. 

He never heard the front door open and was surprised when Grace squealed in delight, “Ni!”Ni!”

Louis whipped around to see Niall standing in the doorway, a soft smile on his face as he looked at Grace and waved. He turned to Louis and gave him a small smile, before he rushed him, pulling Louis into a tight embrace. “I love you Lou, you’re stronger then all of us,” he said softly. 

Louis didn’t know what to say, so he kept quiet, but buried his head in the crook of Niall’s shoulder and held on tight.

Niall eventually pulled away and nodded, he pulled something out of the back pocket of his jeans and handed it to him, “They’re expecting your call,” he said as he turned his attention to Grace.

“Grace my love, how are you this fine morning. What gourmet meal has your Da made you today?” he said lightly as he pulled up a stool to sit by her.

Louis looked down at what Niall had handed him, it was a business card, he read over the name to find it was a name of a therapist. Louis went to protest, but Niall cut him off, “You honestly scared the shit out of me last night Lou, you need to call them, there is nothing wrong with needing a little extra help,” he said without looking up, “Please Lou,” Niall begged, turning to look at him, Louis could see the concern in his eyes, all he could do was nod as he wrapped his hand around the card. 

“Ok Niall.”

Louis left Grace in Niall’s capable hands as he made his way into his home office, which he rarely used, but was one of the few rooms on the main floor with a door.

He dialed the number on the card and waited.

“Dr. Collins’ office, Claire speaking, how may I help you,” came a friendly voice.

Louis cleared his throat, “Hi, umm, hello… ya, I was, given your card by my friend, he said you were expecting my call,” he said awkwardly, as he started to pace the room.

“Ok, no problem,” Claire said amused, “Can I get your name?”

“Louis Tomlinson,” he replied quietly.

Claire gave no reaction as he heard her typing away in the background, “Of course Mr. Tomlinson, Dr. Collins was expecting your call, she would like to book you in for an initial thirty-minute next week if you are available.”

Louis quickly thought over all he had to do next week, nothing really jumping out at him, but he figured Mac would be fully on board rejigging his schedule as needed. “I’m off to Doncaster for a few days, but I am fairly wide open next week.”

There was a pause, as Louis waited for Claire to respond, “Dr. Collins has an opening on Monday 3:30 pm, if that works for you.”

Louis wanted to try and delay having to go speak to a shrink, but he remembered Niall’s face and quickly agreed to the time.

When Louis hung up the phone, he took a few minutes to calm himself, before heading back out to the kitchen.

He heard Mac and Niall whispering as he made his way towards them, they quickly stopped talking as he entered the room, Louis giving Niall an amused look as he placed a gentle kiss on Mac’s forehead, “Morning love,” he greeted.

“Morning Lou, how are you feeling this morning?”

He shrugged, “Better, nasty headache though.”

Mac nodded, “I can imagine,” she bit her lip as she took a moment to ask, “Are you still going up to see your mom today?” 

Louis nodded, “That’s the plan.”

“After last night, do you think you should?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

She held her hands up in surrender, “I just meant, last night took a lot out of you, do you think you’d be able to handle another emotional night at home?”

Louis thought about and sighed, “I don’t want to put it off, Mom’s already mad at me, I don’t want her to think I don’t want to see her.”

Mac gave him a sad smile, “I know love, I just don’t want you to have another attack so soon after the last one.”

Louis nodded, “I know, but I have to go. I made the call to the Dr. Niall gave me, and I am seeing her on Monday. I just have to try and keep myself calm,” he tried to laugh it off.

“Good thing I will be there to help,” Niall said.

“What? Niall, no,” Louis started.

But Niall quickly cut him off, “You can’t drive up there yourself Lou, and I think you could use a friendly face up there, Mac here has also given me some pointers on recognizing the signs, and how to help keep you grounded, and besides your mom loves me!”

“Everyone loves you,” he grumbled.

They all laughed. “Don’t you have work to do?” Louis tried again.

“Nope. Free as a bird for the next few weeks, before I head back into the studio to work on the EP.”

Louis knew he had lost this battle, so he just gave Niall a nod and a small thanks as he said he was going to have a shower and pack.

* * *

The ride up to Doncaster was pretty quiet, Louis drove the pair, as he could make the drive in his sleep. For the most part they listened to whatever was on the radio, but they did talk about what Niall had planned for the remainder of the hiatus, and some of Louis plans. Louis also floated the idea he had of starting a record label or production company. As soon as he mentioned it, Niall had lit up like a kid at Christmas.

“I think that is a brilliant idea Lou, just you or are you looking to start up with anyone?” he had asked.

 “Why, you interested.” He responded. 

Niall had eagerly nodded his head and they started to brainstorm ideas as they entered the out city limits.

It must have been pure muscle memory as Louis didn’t remember the last bit of the drive as he pulled into his mother’s driveway. He turned off the car and starred at the house. 

“You ok Lou?” Niall asked.

Louis shook his head, “What if she doesn’t want to see me, what if she hates me?” he said softly, whipping away a tear that had fallen. 

“Oh Lou, your mom loves you more than anything. She was sick with worry, she could never hate you.”

Louis wasn’t sure how long they both sat in the car in silence, before he took a deep breath and unbuckled himself. They didn’t speak a word as they made their way to the front door. Normally Louis wouldn’t think twice of just walking in, but for some reason he couldn’t bring himself to do it this time, so he pushed the doorbell and waited. 

He heard small feet run towards the door and his mother yell, “No running Daisy!” as the door was thrown open.

Louis stood in silence as he looked at his sister. Daisy’s mouth opened and closed as she looked from her brother to Niall.

“Hi Daisy love,” Louis said softly, only to have the door closed on him.

He let out a soft whimper as he grabbed a hold of Niall’s arm. “It’s ok Lou, give them a minute.”

Louis nodded and waited, it was a few moments before the door slowly opened again. This time he was greeted by the sight of his mother, who already had tears running down her face. 

The pair remained silent as they took in the others appearance. Louis broke first as he ran to his mother.

“I’m so sorry Mom, please don’t hate me, I didn’t mean to make you worry,” he sobbed.

It seemed that was all it took for Jay’s arms to wrap tightly around him, “Oh Boo Bear, I could never hate you, I was so worried about you. I don’t understand.”

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to, I didn’t know what else to do, I had to make it stop,” he cried, “but it didn’t work, I can’t make it stop Mom.”

Jay tightened her grip on him, “Shh love, it’s ok, your home now, we are going to figure it all out.”

Niall cleared his throat, “How about Dan and I take the girls and Ernie out so you two can talk.”

Louis didn’t respond as he clung to his mother in a way he hadn’t done since he was a child.

“That would be lovely Niall, I am sure they would like that.” Jay responded, as she tried to pull back, but Loui wasn’t having any of it.

“Boo Bear, you’re going to have to let go love, you’ll be much more comfortable inside.”

Louis slowly pulled away, but kept his face hidden, scarred to look his mother in the eyes. She was having none of that, as she gently lifted his head, “None of that, where is my fearless boy, who can take on the world.”

Louis gave her a sad smile, “He’s a little loss right now.”

Jay smiled, “Well it’s a good thing you found your way home then.”

Louis nodded as they made their way into the house. Louis wasn’t surprised at the cold reaction from his sisters, but was grateful for the reaction from the youngest twins, as they ran towards him with big smiles and he crouched down to hug the pair, “Achoo!” they called as they wrapped their arms around him.

“Hello my little loves,” he said as he lifted the pair with his, “Look how big you got!” he smiled at them as they buried into his arms.

“You would know if you had been here,” came Lottie’s reply.

“Charlotte, hush,” Jay said.

“But Mom!” 

“No, you watch your mouth young lady,” Jay said, effectively ending the conversation.

Sensing the tension, Niall announced they were all going out for a treat as he motioned to Dan to help him round them all up.

“No, Achoo!” Ernie cried as he held on to Louis.

“Hey little man, none of that, I promise to be here when you get back, and we’ll have a proper boys only hang out,” he bribed as he put the pair down.

Ernie reluctantly pulled away and nodded, holding out his pinky to Louis. Louis smiled, “Pinky promise.” Seeming satisfied, Ernie went to Dan to get ready. 

“Boo, why don’t you go make us a cuppa tea while I send the troops off.”

Louis nodded, waving a sad goodbye as he went into the kitchen. Even after having not6 bene here for a year, nothing had changed. The tea was still in the same place, as was his special mug that no one was allowed to use but him.

Louis had his back to the kitchen door when his mother walked in, “I could honestly just throttle you Louis William Tomlinson. I honestly don’t think I have ever been this mad at you. 

“Not even the time I coloured in all the leaves on the sofa with markers?” he said, not turning around.

“Don’t get smart with me young man. Don’t think you are too old to be put over my knee.”

“Sorry,” he said. 

“What the hell were you thinking! Do you even know how scared I was, I had no idea if you were alive of dead Louis!”

Louis sniffled, “I’m so sorry Mom, I never meant to worry you like that.”

“Well you did! I couldn’t sleep for a year Louis, every time the phone rang, I dreaded picking it up, for fear it was someone calling to say you were dead. 

Louis had no response.

“And then when Harry got that text from you, I didn’t know what to think, it was all we could do to get that poor boy to get out of bed, we all couldn’t help but think the worse. Thank goodness you finally reached out to Niall. You broke us all that night Louis. I have known those boys for a long time now, and you not only me, but them as well. You have no idea what you put us all through.”

Louis continued to quietly cry to himself as he let his mother’s word wash over him.

“Why Louis, why did you do it.”

Gathering what little strength he had, he turned to his mom, “Because I needed it to stop before I actually did what you all feared,” he said softly.

Jay gasped as his words hit her. 

“I was beyond broken. There was nothing left. I made a stupid deal with our management and label and they won, they broke me. That night at Liam’s I really scared myself. In that moment I didn’t recognize myself anymore. All I knew was I had to make the pain stop. I had to get away.”

When the kettle boiled, Louis turned to finish making the tea, “So that’s what I did, I ran away. I saw how everyone was seeing me, drunk Louis, what a mess, I didn’t want to see the disappointment in your eyes when you realized what a failure I was. The boys were all up to these amazing things, and then there was me. I hadn’t amounted to very much. All I was ever good at was protecting the boys from management, but I couldn’t even do that anymore. So it was just easier to disappear for a while rather than face you all.”

“Oh Louis,” Jay cried softly, as Louis placed her cup of tea in front of her.

As if he didn’t hear her he continued, “At first I had only planned to stay three months. Figured that was enough time to get myself in order, my lawyer had worked on getting me out of the dumb deal I made, so I figured I would just hide out before heading back to London, to keep a low profile for the remainder of the hiatus, or until the boys finally came to their senses and decided they were better off doing their own thing,” he shrugged, taking a sip of his tea.

“Then I met Mac and Grace, and they changed everything for me. I began to realize I wasn’t ok. I started having panic attacks, and letting all my inner demons take over. Mac understood what I was going through, and she was helping me work through some stuff. She also trusted me with Grace. They quickly became my family. And then the thought of coming home and facing everything was just too scary. Talking to Niall was easy, he can never stay mad at you, but I was so scared that you would hate me Mom, and I couldn’t face that.”

Louis sighed as he looked at his mother with tear filled eyes, “Mac and I had started to work on me coming home and how that was all going to go, I wanted to talk to you first, so you didn’t get blindsided by me showing up, but then Mac’s dad had a heart attack and it pretty much threw all our plans out the window.”

He whipped his eyes “I just so tired Mom, I keep having these panic attacks, I have no control over them or my thoughts anymore, all Niall had to do was mention Harry and I had a right fit. The voices are just so loud and I can’t get them to stop. I’m not strong enough Mom.” He cried.

Jay was up out of her seat so fast, Louis didn’t even see her move as she was pulling him into her arms.

“Oh my baby,” she cried as she rocked him in her arms, “You are so strong Louis, you have always been my strong boy. You have been there for me and your sisters in ways I can’t even put into words. You are the best of us. There is nothing you could ever do that would make me ever stop loving you,” she pulled back, gently holding his faced between her hands as she looked him in the eyes, “You are just a little lost my love, we all get like that sometimes, there is nothing wrong with that. You just need a little help.” 

Louis nodded, “I’m so sorry Mom, I can’t do this on my own anymore.”

“Oh Boo, you never had to do this on your own. You can always come to me, you are always going to be my baby boy, no matter how old you get.” 

“You have so much on your plate with the others I didn’t want to burden you.”

“You are never burden my love, never,” she said softly as she kissed his forehead, “You also have three other brothers out there who would drop everything for you, all you ever had to do was ask. You have to let us in Boo.”

Louis sniffled, “I doubt it’s three Mom,”

“You hush, and leave that poor boy alone Louis. He was in quite a state, and he knows he has a lot to apologize for, you both need to pull your heads out of your asses and really sit down and talk.”

“Mom,” he started.

“No, we aren’t getting into that today, just when you are ready, talk to him love, I think you’ll both realize how silly you have been. In the meantime, you are going to make us another cup, while I go grab us a couple blankets, and we are going to have a proper talk about all that is going on in that head of yours, and what we can do to help, as well, as I am expecting to hear more about the Mac girl you mentioned, are you two in love?”

Louis laughed and shook his head, leave it to his mother to combine a lecture a gossip into one talk, “No mom, we aren’t together like that, we are just really good friends who are raising her daughter together.”

“What!” Jay squealed.

“Did I forget to mention that part.”

“Don’t get cute with me young man. You are raising her daughter?”

Louis nodded, “Yes, and before you start getting in a state, it is not something we have both taken lightly, and we have had many talks about it, and it is something we both want. I love that little girl mom, biology doesn’t matter, you should understand that.”

Jay looked at him in shock before she smiled, “Oh Boo, I understand that, and if this is really want you want, you know we will support you and welcome them with open arms, I just don’t want you to latch onto something because you are feeling out of sorts.”

Louis groaned, “I know Mom, and honestly it’s not. This is the one thing I am one hundred percent sure about. Mac has been amazing and allowing me to be part of Grace’s life, I think when you meet her, you will really like her, she reminds me a lot of you. 

Jay smiled, “Well then I look forward to meeting them.” 

Louis nodded, “Alright, I got the tea, you get the blankets, might as well get this over with.”

Jay laughed, “Don’t try that with me love, you know you always enjoy our chats, even when we both are elbow deep in tissues.”

Louis smiled, she was right, he knew a lot of kids weren’t as close to their parents as he was with his mom, but he wouldn’t trade their relationship for anything. He moved quickly to hug her, “I love you Mom,” he said softly.

“I love you too Boo Bear, but if you ever pull a disappearing act like that again, I can promise you they will never find your body.”

“I promise,” he laughed as he kissed her cheek, “I’m done running.”

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all!
> 
> As always thanks for all the love and support on the last chapter! Here is the latest, I am not totally in love with it, kind of feels like a filler, but I wanted to get something out to you guys. I promise more Harry and Louis to come, as well as more Louis with the other boys! 
> 
> I am off to Mardi Gras this weekend, and road tripping through southern US, but I will start on chapter 10 as soon as I get back. I have also had a few ideas of new stories to write and would love to hear in any of them would appeal to you guys, some would be one-shots other multi-chapter stories!
> 
> Story #1 - During the hiatus Louis gets into an accident and gets amnesia, Harry uses it as a way to get close to Louis again, who thinks they just lost the X-factor.  
> Story #2 - Harry is the prince of England and gets kidnapped and Louis helps him escape.  
> Story #3 - Louis is an undercover agent for british intelligence and Harry is his handler  
> Story #4 - After they lost the X-factor, One Direction never released an album, and the boys go off in different directions only to be slowly reintroduced into each others lives 10 years later.
> 
> Thoughts?? Suggestions??
> 
> As always love to hear your thoughts and theories on the latest chapter!
> 
> All the love!
> 
> Lucy

_-9-_

_I've been on the road that you're on, It didn't get me very far_

It shouldn’t have come as a surprise to Louis how much he missed spending time with his family. He missed the chaos that came with his family; someone was always doing something that they shouldn’t be, while someone else would be yelling across the house because they were too lazy to get up. Some would call them crazy, but they were his kind of crazy.

He didn’t know what prevented him from seeking comfort from his family for the past year, but he couldn’t deny that he needed them. He missed curling up on the couch with his mother, TV playing in the background, as they surrounded themselves with blankets and sipped on a cup of tea as they talked about everything and nothing. He knew things were still tense with his mother, every now and then she would let a comment slip, that reminded him of how angry she still was with him, but he tried his hardest not to focus on that. He opened up to her about all the thoughts that they kept replaying in his head, the feeling of absolute panic that kept overtaking him, and how he has never felt so off balance in his life.

For the most part, his mother just listened, not sure what advice she could really offer him, but provided some reassurance that it was going to get better, and that she was glad he was going to see someone to help him.

The cocoon he and his mother had made was quickly disturbed by his siblings returning home. As soon as Ernie had his shoes off, he ran towards them, jumping into the middle of their blanket nest and curling up into Louis side.

“Boys time,” he proclaimed as he looked at his mother, dismissing her.

They couldn’t help but laugh at the young boys antics as Jay smiled and nodded, “I know when I am not wanted,” she teased, as she kissed Ernie’s forehead before smiling and Louis.

“Ya, no mom’s allowed,” Louis echoed.

Ernie laughed as he mother pouted out of the living room. “Achoo!” He smiled, as he buried himself further into Louis’ arms.

“How is my favorite brother?” Louis asked.

“’M your only brother,” Ernie replied.

Louis laughed as Niall walked into the living room and sat down, “So what will it be lads?”

Louis looked at the pair, “Still light out, how about we go have a kick about then we’ll do dinner and maybe a movie?” Louis offered, wanting his brother hangout to be more than just lounging around the house.

“Sounds good to me, am I permitted on the boys’ only hang out Ernie?” Niall asked.

Ernie tilted his head in contemplation before nodding, “You’re a boy, you can stay.”

The pair laughed, “That’s kind of you Ernie,” Louis smiled, as he picked up his brother and throwing him over his shoulder as he stood up.

“Achoo!” Ernie laughed “Put me down!”

“Oh you want down do you?” He said as he swung him back over, and made to drop him, but catching him quickly. Ernie squealed with delight.

The trio moved out of the living room and into the kitchen where the remainder of his family seemed to be. He set Ernie on his own two feet; before he was attacked by Ernie’s other half.

Pretending to fall to the floor, he yelled, “Brother down!”, as Doris climbed on top of him.

“Silly Achoo!” she giggled.

“I’ll show you silly,” he said as he grabbed her in his arms and proceed to tickle her, causing squeals of laughter to fall from her mouth.

“Stop! No more!” she cried between fits.

Louis just laughed as he gathered up his arms and hugged her; he tried not to let his smile falter when he saw the frowns on Lottie and Fiz’s faces, instead he just gave them a small nod as he turned his attention back to Doris.

“I am going to steal Ernie for the rest of the afternoon, if that is ok?” Louis asked his mother, while pulling faces at his youngest sister, causing her laughs to echo throughout the kitchen.

Jay smiled, “Of course Boo,”

“Why can’t we come?” Daisy asked.

Louis shrugged, “Boys afternoon.”

“That’s not fair! We want to spend time with you too before you go away again.”

Louis sighed, “I am not planning on going away again Daisy, I’ll be here all weekend, and I promise we will spend some time together before I have to head back to London on Sunday. Plus, I am planning on having you all come visit me in London in the next few weeks, how does that sound,” he offered with a gentle smile.

The older twins nodded their agreement; Louis didn’t turn his head, but looked out of the corner of his eye at his two remaining siblings who hadn’t said much to him, frowns etched on both their faces. He could tell they were looking for a fight. They were angry, and he couldn’t blame them. They were old enough to know that he should have been around and he wasn’t, but not old enough to really understand what was going on. Hell, most days he didn’t understand himself what was going on.

Louis crawled up off the floor, setting Doris gently on her feet as he turned to Niall, “You ready mate?”

Niall nodded and threw an arm around Lottie, as he whispered something in her ear, before moving towards the front door.

“We won’t be back for dinner, my cell is on,” Louis saw the face his mother pulled when he said that; “I promise I will answer.”

Jay nodded, “Alright love, you boys have fun.”

Louis nodded, as he motioned for Ernie to follow him, he grabbed one of the footballs from the front hall closet on his way out, “Alright lads, let the fun begin,” he called out as he made to race Ernie to his car.

* * *

 

When Louis pulled back into the house later that night, he couldn’t help but feel so much lighter than he did earlier in the day. Spending the day with Ernie was just what he needed. There was no judgment or expectation with his younger brother, he just wanted to spend time with Louis, it was that simple. Louis did have to put on a face with him; they could just be brothers spending time together.

He always enjoyed spending time with his siblings, and he had plenty to spare, but it was something he had missed out on the past few years, he wasn’t really in one place long enough to spend a lot of time with his siblings, especially one on one. After today, he vowed to change that. He wanted to be as close with the youngest twins as he was with his others siblings.

The trio had spent the day running around the park, climbing over every surface they could find. Once they got their fill of fresh air they filled up on junk food and stealthy made their way into the cinema to watch the latest Minion movie, something Louis would deny adamantly that he had been looking forward to seeing.

His drive back home was silent, as both Niall and Ernie were passed out. It was one of the reasons why Niall was one of his favorite people. He enjoyed life and he everything he did he tried to make as fun as possible. He could have the most heartfelt conversations with the Irish lad, and in the next be pulling off the most ridiculous prank, that was sure to get the pair in trouble.

“Oi!” Niall yelled, as he felt Louis wet finger in his ear.

“Cheers for that mate,” he said disgusted, sleep edging his voice.

“What I am here for,” Louis laughed, as he turned off the car.

He managed to get Ernie out of the car without waking him, Niall leading them into the quiet house. He made his way up to his brother’s room and got him ready for bed.

When he made his way back down, he could quiet make out the hushed tones of Niall and his mother talking in the kitchen, but knew it was about it.

Sighing he made his way into the room, “Put Ernie to bed, he didn’t brush his teeth, didn’t want to wake him.”

Jay nodded, “Thanks love, did you have a good time?”

Louis smiled, “Ya, it was great.”

“Well make sure to get plenty of rest tonight, your sisters have a full day planned for you tomorrow as well.”

“Can’t wait.”

Jay laughed, “You say this now, you don’t know what they have planned.”

Louis cringed, as Jay and Niall laughed.

“You may want to speak to Lottie and Fiz, they are having a hard time with this, they don’t understand why you hid away.” His mother said softly.

He nodded, “Are they still awake?”

Jay nodded, “Why don’t you bring them up some tea and have a chat. I would hate for things to not be mended between you three.”

Louis agreed, he hated it when the pair were made at him, growing up, even when it wasn’t his fault he was usually the one to cave first and apologize. “You ok to keep my mom company Nialler?”

Niall waved him off, “Your mom and I have lots to catch up on, don’t you worry about us.”

Louis turned to his mother, “Please no more embarrassing stories on young Louis, he’s got enough blackmail material as it is.”

They all laughed, “I make no promises.”

“Rotten the pair of you,” he teased as he made the tea.

Making his way to this sister’s room, he could hear the pair chatting away in Lottie’s room as he gently knocked.

Lottie looked up and saw her brother, and quickly looked away, “Go away Louis,” she said.

“I brought tea,” he offered.

“We don’t want any and we don’t want to talk to you,” Fiz added.

He sighed, “Well how about you just listen, and then I promise to leave you alone.”

When the pair said nothing, he deposited their tea on the dresser before making his way into the room.

“I wanted to first say I’m sorry. What I did was selfish, and I realize that now. I should have never shut you guys out and I should have never left the way I did. I didn’t do it to hurt you guys, but I know that I did, and for that I am sorry,” he offered. “I can only imagine how hurt you guys are, and it kills me that I made you feel like that. I was a bit messed up last year, and I felt like I was spiraling out of control, and my first reaction was to run away. I didn’t mean for it to be a long as it was, but I was too scared to come home.”

Lottie scoffed, “Scared really.”

He nodded, “Yes scared, I was in dark place Lots. I know it doesn’t make up for what I did, but at the time, I did what I thought I needed to do. I was being pulled in so many directions, I felt loss and with no purpose and I got into a row with the boys and I lost it.”

“But why couldn’t you come to us?” Fiz asked.

“In my head I had convinced myself that you guys wouldn’t understand, that you would be angry at me, and I was ashamed of the struggles I was facing, and I didn’t want any of you to every see me like that so I let those voices have too much control, and I stayed away.”

“Are you better now?”

Louis shook his head, “No, not really, but I am working on it.”

Fiz nodded. When both sisters didn’t press him for anything else, Louis sighed, giving both his sisters a sad smile as he left the room. He took his time making his way back to the kitchen.

When his mother saw him in the doorway she opened her arms to him, “Just give them time Boo,” she whispered softly, as she kissed his forehead.

“You know that is what Grace calls Lou,” Niall offered.

“Oh?” Jay asked.

Niall nodded, “Yup, calls him it all the time, at first I thought it was because that’s what you all call him.”

“Niall,” Louis tried to cut him off.

“But Mac was all too happy to share the story of how she turned our Louis blue! Ever since then she has called him Blue”

“Thanks mate,” Louis said, hiding his face in his hands.

Jay laughed, “Please tell me there are pictures.”

Niall laughed, “Plenty.”

“I hate you all right now,” Louis mumbled from behind his hands.

Niall moved to wrap his arm around him, “Nah mate, you love us.”

Louis peeked up at him, “Debatable.”

* * *

 

The rest of his time with his family flew by, his time split between his youngest siblings and his mother, with Dan and Niall acting as buffer between Lottie and Fiz, who, while no longer hostile towards him, they weren’t overly friendly either. He had hoped by the end of the weekend they would open up to him a bit more, but no such luck. All he could do was try and include them as much as possible to show that he was sorry, but gave them the space they needed, and hopefully they would reach out to him sooner rather than later.

By the time Louis pulled into his driveway, he was anxious to see Grace. He and Mac had facetimed a few times over the weekend, Grace not really understanding, but taking comfort in hearing his voice. So he was not surprised when he walked through the door, to see Grace sitting there waiting for him, her arms spread wide as she reached for him.

“Boo! Love!”

“Bean!” he smiled, as he quickly picked her up, placing gentle kisses all over her face, “Missed you love,” he said softly into her curls.

Grace grabbed onto Louis shirt, and held it tightly in her fists as she placed sloppy kisses all over his face.

“She missed you too,” Mac said from the kitchen, watching the pair with a smile on her face.

Louis looked up and smiled back.

“Niall not joining us?” she asked.

Louis shook his head, “Nah, think he needed a break from me,” he laughed, “He had a few meetings tomorrow for his EP, said he may stop by after.”

She nodded, tiling her head to look him over carefully, “You look better,” she commented.

“I looked bad before?”

She laughed, “You know what I mean, you look a little lighter than when you left.”

He nodded, “I feel it. I should have gone home a lot sooner, but it was good.”

“The girls still not talking to you?”

He sighed, as he walked into the house, bouncing Grace on his hip, “No, was lucky most times to get one word answers from them.”

Mac approached Louis, gently taking Grace into her arms as she kissed his forehead, “They will come around love, they have a right to be mad.”

“I know, I am just not used to them staying mad at me.”

Mac laughed, “What a tough life you lead. Go unpack, I’ve got dinner on, then we can have a proper chat.”

Louis nodded as he went back to the front door and grabbed his bags before heading up to his room. While he did love being with his family, he was surprised how much his own house was feeling more and more like home then their family home in Doncaster.

In his typical Louis fashion, he tossed his dirty clothes in the corner of his room, figuring he would get to them later, but knowing it would probably be weeks before he did anything about the growing pile of clothes.

He made his way back downstairs, where he could hear Mac singing and dancing to whatever song was playing on Radio 1, Grace laughing at her mother’s antics.

“Does your mother know how silly she looks Bean?”

Grace’s head whipped around at the sound of his voice, once again begging him to pick her up, who was he to deny her.

“What are you talking about, I am a fabulous singer and dancer,” she laughed.

Louis shook his head, “You keep telling yourself that.”

“Don’t make me challenge you to a dance off my friend, we both know who will whip whose butt,” she said as a matter of fact, waving the wooden spoon in her hand at him.

“Your mother doesn’t know what she is talking about,” he whispered loudly to Grace, as Mac snorted her offense.

“I can bring up the Youtube videos if you would like?”

“Nope,” he said quickly, “No one needs to see those, especially not Bean.”

Mac turned back form the stove to look at him, a smirk gracing her lips, “Who says she hasn’t already.”

“No, no, no, that’s not even funny.”

“Had to keep her entertained somehow while you were gone.”

“I hate you,” he hissed.

“You love me,” she laughed as she went back to cooking dinner, “And don’t think I don’t know that you have been asking Dom for any and all embarrassing photos of me.”

He cursed to himself, knowing he had been caught, “Where’s the loyalty!”

Mac laughed at him, “You are one of a kind Lou.”

There evening passed much as his arrival, full of laughter and teasing, with Grace refusing to let Louis out of her tiny hands. It took him an extra thirty minutes to get her to sleep, opting for rocking her to sleep as he sang whatever song popped into his head. It was moments like that where he never questioned his decision to be apart of her life. Curled up in his arms, mouth open slightly, with not a care in the world, he wouldn’t give up these moments for anything.

When he finally put her in her crib, he joined Mac in the living room, where she had two cups of tea waiting for them. He curled himself into the opposite corner of Mac, so he could look at her while they talked.

“She go down ok?”

He nodded, “Took a few extra songs, but we got there eventually.”

She smiled over her mug, “She missed her nightly lullabies, had to play her some One Direction songs to settle her. She’s already got some favorites,” she joked.

“She’s got good taste.”

“Not that your biased at all.”

He shrugged.

“How’s your dad?” He asked, taking a sip of his tea.

“Good, it’s going to be a long recovery, but he is getting stronger each day. I know Mom just wants him home, though Dad will hate every minute of it. Who knows when he will be back to doing things on his own again. Stubborn man, Mom’s gonna need all the strength she has not to strangle him on a daily basis,” she laughed.

“I can only imagine. If there are days where I’m not busy, I can bring Grace over as a distraction.”

Mac smiled, “I am sure they would both appreciate that.”

He nodded.

“How are you feeling about getting back out there?”

He sighed, “Terrified.”

“Lou,” she started.

He shook his head to cut her off, “It’s true. I am not sure how everyone is going to react given how long I was away, still trying to figure what I want to do with myself.”

“You’re still not convinced you all are going to get back together, are you?”

He shrugged, “Some days yes, some days no.”

She sighed, “Well I know you have your first appointment with psychologist tomorrow, Dom and I are going to meet with the team we have assembled for you and get everything set, and then we would like for you to come into the office Tuesday to meet everyone and go over what we have planned. Depending on how things go tomorrow, I can tweak our plan as needed.”

Louis nodded and sighed, “Ok. I guess it is now or never.”

Mac moved closer to him and curled up into his side, “I think you are going to pleasantly surprised with what we have planned for you and how your fans will react. You know there is always going to be hate Lou, but I am here to help block them out, but you have a crazy loyal fanbase you love and support you, focus on them and fuck everyone else.”

Louis laughed, “Good thing you are here to remind me of that.”

“Nowhere else I would rather be. You and me are a team.”

Louis was suddenly hit with a memory of someone calling him and Harry the dream team, as they both smiled foolishly at each other as they high fived the notion. Shaking his head of the memory, he cleared his throat before answering, “No one else I want on my team.”

* * *

It was a long week for Louis. His first appointment with Dr. Collins was emotional. He was expecting to go in there have a bit of a chat and see what his options were. He didn’t expect to be 15 minutes in and already reaching for a nearby tissue. It wasn’t even that they were talking about anything specific, she just kept asking leading questions and then would follow up with how did it make him feel. It was his own reflection of his emotions that cause him to tear up. And that continued on for the rest of the hour appointment. He was surprised how open he was, he was fully prepared to sit there and minimally answer each question, but once the floodgates opened, he was answering each question fully and thought out, curious to see where it would lead him. In the end Dr. Collins recommended that he come in once a week to talk and help him work through everything.

She reassured him that there was nothing wrong with him, and that she didn’t think he needed medication, but that his mind just needed a little bit of help to work through some things, and he needed a little bit of extra help to work on his confidence and self-worth. He wasn’t expecting to walk out of this office feeling as if a weight had been lifted, but he did. He knew he had a long way to go, but he was comforted by what the doctor had discussed with him in terms of his treatment. She emphasised that he was going to have good days and bad, even after he stopped seeing her, but to not be discouraged by the bad days, they happen to everyone, and she would give him the tools he needed to get through them a little bit better.

Feeling encouraged, he was ready to attack the rest of the week, and attack he did. When he walked into Mac and Dom’s office the next day, he was shocked by the vibe that the office gave off. Everyone was smiling and looked eager to be there, the design was a mix of modern common areas and private offices for all the staff, with Mac and Dom sharing an open concept glass floor, visible from the main level and accessible by a pair of muraled stairs. When he walked through the doors, everyone was excited to have him there, and he spent a good hour meeting everyone and talking pictures and signing whatever they put in front of him.

Once they got that out of the way, Mac was all too happy to show him around the whole office, while the team set everything up in one of the boardrooms. The office, though very modern, was was warm and welcoming, he was also surprised to learn that they owned the whole building, and that there was a whole sub-level that was currently that was unoccupied, that they were still trying to figure out what to do with the space.

The meeting with his new team went unlike anything he has ever had in his career. They had everything laid out over the short and long term, as well they were eager for his feedback and took his suggestions without argument, and would brainstorm in front of him how to incorporate his changes. He was excited for the first time in a long while.

He was about to hit the ground running. The rest of his week was planned, with a meeting with the producers from The Voice and meeting his fellow judges to start the promo for the new season, and introduce their two new judges. Louis also needed to think about who he was going to bring on as his advisor for one of the weeks. They were also going to set up a pre-interview with GQ to go over what the article they were going to run in the next month’s issue, as well as set out the vision and image he wanted to project in his photoshoot.

Mac made sure the new image they were crafting for him was in line with what he wanted to project. It meant a new wardrobe and style for him, as well as a redirection of how he was to be perceived by public. They were going to shed his party bad boy image, and re-introduce him to the world as the boy who looked like trouble but was really more like the boy next door. They also stressed that there would be no fake relationships and his private would stay private. They would share access to his twitter and facebook account, but were leaving the instagram account up to him to run, in order to give his fans a more intimate look into his daily life, making sure they only saw what he was comfortable with them seeing. All they would do was suggest postings for him, to try and drive up his promo and following, which he had no problem with. They suggested he slowly start to become more active, as to make it feel more organic about is reemergence into the public life.

He was also going to have his first organized public outing since being back, and it wasn’t going to be a hardship for Louis. Dom had arranged for them all to attend the next Chelsea home game that weekend, to show the families appreciation for all the support for their father. Attending a football match was one outing Louis would never hesitate to do, even with the knowledge that he would be photographed while watching the game.

When he went back to Mac and Dom’s office, he couldn’t thank them enough for all the work and thought they put into everything. It made him feel a little more centred then he has felt in a long while.

The rest of the week flew by before he could even really blink. Despite it being a whirlwind of activity, he was invigorated. The Voice meeting went better than he could have expected, there were gearing up for a big tease for him being the new judge, and were eager to have to do a take over some of their social media to really hype this season up, and if they happened to murder the X-factor in the ratings, was just a bonus he was happy to have played a part in.

Everything was going well, until he was watching TV one night, and the latest gossip was showing Harry out and about in LA, smiling and laughing with a group friends he had never met. It was when he saw the genuine smile on Harry’s face, not the one he put on when he knew he was being watched, the set him off. He was struck by the thought that Harry could just show up in his life, throw him off balance and just carry on with his life as if nothing happened.

He was angry.

He started pacing the living room, thinking of everything he wanted to say to Harry, _How dare he just show up on his doorstep, yell at him, then leave and go off and have a grand old time in LA. He had no right to make him feel guilty._ The more Louis thoughts festered, the angrier he got until he was pulling out his cell phone and dialing a number hadn’t in a very long time.

When he didn’t receive an answer but went to voicemail, it made him even angrier, and he wasn’t going to let that stop him from giving Harry a piece of his mind.

“How fucking dare you Harry,” he started. “You just show up on my doorstep and yell at me, making me feel even more guilty then I already did, making me feel sorry with how I treated you, and then what do you do? Huh, you fucking leave!” he yelled as he threw his hands up, as if Harry was standing right in front of him. “And then you go off to sunny LA, and are out having a grand old time with your new friends, while I am here left dealing with the aftermath of hurricane Harry, destroying everything in his path, with no thought to anyone but himself.”

He took a breath, “Well let me tell you this Harold, you stopped getting a say in my life the day you walked out of our flat. You don’t get to come at me with feeling hurt that I shut you out and stayed hidden for a year, you lost that right when you decided I wasn’t good enough to be apart of your life anymore. So fuck you Harry Styles, you can just stay in LA for all I care, cause I am done letting you have any influence in my life. I deserved better then how you have treated me these past few years. So just stay out of my life!” He yelled as he hung up, tossing his phone on the couch as he let out a breath he wasn’t aware he was holding.

“Fell better?” Mac asked from behind him.

Louis swirled around in surprise.

“Shit you scared me!” he said, placing a hand over his heart to emphasize the point.

“Sorry, didn’t want to disturb you mid rant.”

Louis looked down in guilt, “Sorry.”

Mac chuckled as she approached him, “Don’t apologize to me for finally getting that off your chest.”

“Wait...what?”

Mac laughed as she threw an arm around his shoulders, “You have been holding onto a lot of anger when it comes to your curly haired bandmate. You never let him know how much he truly hurt you all those years ago. I am not sure what set this off, but it was a long time coming love.”

He took a moment to consider what she was telling him, “I guess you are right.”

“I am always right love,” she joked.

He shook his head, “Don’t go getting cocky on me now.”

She shrugged as she tossed herself on the couch, reaching for the remote to change to their Netflix account.

“I know you are going to regret yelling at him in about five minutes, but you shouldn’t, he need to let people know when then hurt or disappoint you Lou, otherwise they will just keep doing it.”

“I never thought of it like that,” he said as he joined her on the couch.

“Don’t worry about it too much, yes you may have been a bit harsh, but next time you see him apologize for how you said what you said, but not what you said. And for heaven sakes don’t reach out to him, let him come to you.”

Louis laughed, Yes, oh wise master.”

Mac kicked his leg with her foot, “Smart ass,” she laughed as she finally decided on a movie for them to watch.

She turned to him and smiled, “I am glad you had a good week Lou.”

“You mean despite my tantrum to Harry,”

“Even with it, before you would have be shut down by a panic attack, and here you are giving him a piece of your mind, and still standing.”

Louis was struck by how true her words were. Wasn’t it just last week that the he was having a panic attack at the very mention of Harry. He wasn’t sure what had changed, but he was encouraged.

“I didn’t even realize,” he finally admitted.

“One day at a time love. I think you are just starting to realize that you are a lot stronger than you thought”

He nodded, giving her hand one more squeeze before turning his attention to the movie, “I guess I am.”

  



	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey All!
> 
> Here is the next chapter, sorry for the delay. I had hoped to get this out earlier, but life seemed to be in the way, and my brother in law had a car accident tonight while my sister is out of town, so that even delayed me posting tonight but here it finally is!
> 
> I really struggled with this chapter, I kept re-doing the dialogue, I just couldn't seem to get it right, so I hope you all enjoy what I've written, as always I love to hear your feedback and comments! Thanks to everyone who read, commented, kudo the last chapter, glad you guys are enjoying the story so far! And thanks for your comments on what story I should start next, I have started to sketch some ideas out, so any thought you have on future stories is always appreciated!
> 
> All the love!

-10-

_You ain't missing nothing, 'Cause love is so damn hard_

Time seemed to hold no meaning for Louis, if it wasn’t for Mac and Dom, he wouldn’t know which way was up. For the most part he spent his days either playing with Grace or off playing popstar in the real world. Most days he didn’t mind it. Some days were more fun than others, but he had started to tinker around with a few songs when he wasn’t being carted off to different meetings. Which had him suddenly re-energized. It reminded him of the days he and Liam would lock themselves away writing all hours of the day with only pizza and red bull to sustain them.

He had also slowly started posting on his social media accounts, he stuck mostly to instagram, posting photos of what he was doing each, nothing he thought was terribly exciting, but knew his fans would appreciate to see him doing ok. Every now and then he would throw in the odd photo of Grace. His favorite was a photo of them two of them watching a premier game on the TV, Grace sitting on the floor, her toys neglected around her, as her attention was solely on the game. He had simply captioned the photo with ‘Proud’.

He left his twitter account to his new social media manager, who used it to drum up some hype on “a big and exciting announcement soon”. For the most part his fans and the public seemed to have mix reaction to his return. Most eager to see what he had been up to, some waiting for him to return to his partying ways, and some were angry at his disappearance and sudden reappearance and weren’t ready to forgive him just yet.

He had a good interview with GQ that was spread out over several days. They talked about his favorite hobbies, football, the band and the hiatus and some of his plans for the future. They only briefly mentioned Grace, as he and Mac weren’t comfortable talking about their private arrangement, but simply stated that he was Grace’s father and he couldn’t be happier to co-parent with Mac. With regards to his disappearance they kept the overall message was he needed some time to himself and he was eager to get back into the swing of things. The photoshoot was light and fun, and the photographer had them all in stitches for the entire shoot; he also couldn’t be happier with the clothes and look they went for in the shoot, he was comfortable in the clothes, and they made him look edgy but soft at the same time, they even threw in a few poses with him in suspenders just for fun, they also added a few photos from his time in Hawaii. Overall he was happy with the article and photos included in the final cut, and had only a few changes when he saw the advance copy. It was going to be a surprise cover for the next issue, which meant they were holding off on announcing him as the new coach in the Voice until just before the article dropped.

Over the next few weeks they were filming some teasers for the Voice, along with the promo for when it was announced. They were starting the blind auditions in 6 weeks, which gave him some time to adjust to being back in the spotlight, with just enough to do to keep him from going crazy, but not so much that he couldn’t spend most of his days with Grace.

Another fun part of this life was the fact that Niall seemed to be spending every moment he could at Louis’ flat, quickly becoming Grace’s new favorite person. They had talked briefly about the production company, but Niall had told him to wait until they could discuss with Liam, once he was back in the country. The rest of their time together seemed to be playing FIFA and watching whatever cartoon Grace was in the mood for that day.

He also spent a good portion of his free time with Doctor Collins, which was going surprisingly well, though she did keep having to remind him that this wasn’t a quick fix, that he was going to have good days and bad, but the bad days would become fewer and far between. They talked a lot about his childhood and how growing up with different father figures affected him in ways he hadn’t realized. They hadn’t yet broached the band, as it seemed she was slowly building their way up to it, he figured; but he felt like he was getting somewhere. Those days were emotionally exhausting for him, and Mac and Dom, knew to keep his schedule light those days. He was slowly starting to catch some of his negative thoughts before they became too self deprecating and lead him down the all to familiar downward spiral that followed. He was still a work in progress.

Their family outing at the Chelsea game hadn’t been anywhere near as painful as his other public outings since before their Up All Night Tour. Mac and Dom had taken the lead, with Louis staying more in the background with Grace carefully tucked away in his arms. Louis wanted to be seen showing his support for the family but didn’t want to the focus of the media. At least that was his intention, as soon pictures and videos of him and Dom laughing and cheering throughout the first half, were spreading like wildfire. Mac and Grace watched from the safety of their box, but Dom and Louis had ventured out to get a better view of the game as they took on Liverpool, for which Louis had no objections cheering loudly for Chelsea. Louis was surprised how much fun he was having, even knowing every move they made was being photographed, he really enjoyed Dom’s company, he knew shouldn’t have been surprised at how easy his friendship flowed with Dom, but in reality there was just something about the Wynn family that just drew him in.

It was at the game where he ran into Perrie and Jade from Little Mix, who were there to cheer on Perrie’s new boyfriend. At the halfway mark, he and Dom had jumped over into their box to chat with the girls, as it had been ages since Louis had seen them, and he always had a soft spot for them. So he was all too happy to spend some time catching up. It was while he was introducing Grace to Perrie that she mentioned how they were having some management issues and wanted to get together with him to get his thoughts on things. Louis had quickly agreed, ready to help them out in any way he could, as far as he was concerned Modest should be shut down, so if he could help the girls get away, he was more than happy to do so. So they set something up for later in the month, when all the girls were back in the city.

But the highlight of that day had been Grace, everyone who met her was charmed, and she managed to keep everyone entertained with her antics, like throwing the toy football at Louis nose every time she got her tiny little hands on it. They managed to keep her face out of the pitcures, making sure her back was always to the pitch, but you could clearly see how everyone who met her was enchanted, and just how fond Louis was of his daughter, as there were more than a few pictures of him making silly faces at her, trying to keep her entertained while they tried to avoid a meltdown for being out and about for so long. All in all, for his first planned public outing, it had been a good day.

It was when he came home from shooting some promo photos with Rita, Tom and Will.i.am, that things took an unexpected turn. Louis was used to coming home and finding Niall sitting on his couch, making himself at home. So he really wasn’t expecting to see Harry sitting uncomfortably on his couch, while Mac glared at him from the opposite end of the room.

Really not up for whatever emotional conversation was to come, he sighed heavily as he entered the living room, dropping a soft kiss on Mac’s forehead in greeting.

“Harold,” he nodded at his bandmate, making no move to be closer.

“Lou,” Harry said softly, making eye contact briefly, before looking back down at his hands folded in his laps.

Mac rolled her eyes when he look back at her, “Grace is taking a nap, I’ll be in the office while you two talk.” She said as she got up.

“Listen to what he has to say, you’ll never be able to move on if you keep avoiding him,” she whispered softly, “but if you need me to kick him out, you let me know,” she said a bit louder as she scowled at Harry.

Louis couldn’t help but laugh, Mac was about as intimidating as a poodle, but he appreciated the sentiment. He knew she was all for him addressing the mess that was him and Harry, but she didn’t want Harry to know that, and she clearly wanted to make it very clear whose side she was on.

“Thanks love,” he replied as he squeezed her hand as she passed by.

When Mac closed the office door, Louis turned to Harry, “Tea?” he offered.

Harry nodded but didn’t respond otherwise.

Rolling his eyes, Louis moved into the kitchen to put on the kettle and grab two mugs. As he waited for the water to boil, he moved to lean against the kitchen door frame as he looked out at Harry.

“Did you just stop by to look at my flooring?” He finally asked, when it was obvious Harry wasn’t going to say anything.

A small smile, graced his lips as he shook his head.

Louis sighed, running his hand through his still coiffed fringe, “Are you actually going to speak or are we going to have a game of charades?”

Louis decided not to push for a response when Harry didn’t answer right away.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled softly to the floor.

Louis had to strain to hear him, but heard the whispered apology. Louis sighed in frustration, he wasn’t in the mood to deal with whatever crisis on conscious Harry was dealing with at the moment. “Whatever for dear Harold?” he snarked.

“Don't do that,” Harry snapped.

“Do what?”

“Don’t give me your cocky persona because you don’t want to deal with me right now.”

Louis paused, even after all this time Harry still just got him. Not knowing what else to say he nodded his head in acknowledgement as he waited for Harry to elaborate on his earlier apology.

It was several agonizing moments of silence before Harry spoke, “There are a lot of things I regret in my life, but my biggest regret has been all the lies I have told you over the years.”

Louis’ stomach clenched with dread, he was not ready for this. “If you’re hear to tell me how much you pretended to tolerate my existence, I’d rather you didn’t.”

Harry shook his head looking up at Louis, his eyes brimmed with tears, “Just the opposite, actually,” he replied.

Louis clenched his fists at his side, “What are you going on about? You’re confusing me Harry.”

“Sorry.”

“You’ve said that already.”

Harry chuckled at Louis frustration before sobering, “I have spent the last few years lying and pretending that you don’t matter to me. I thought I was doing the right thing when I agreed with Modest, to protect you from having to do all these horrible stunts they had planned,” he paused, “God Lou, you don’t even know all the horrible things they threatened to have you do, all to stop those rumors that we didn’t care about, playing up how straight and manly we both were.”

Harry paused for a moment, to let what he was saying wash over Louis, “I regretted agreeing to their stupid plan almost as soon as I signed on the dotted line. ‘Cause they made damn sure to lock me into their grip tight with no way out, so I had to do exactly what they said, no matter how much I wanted to tell you and the boys.”

“What are you saying?” Louis said, his emotion catching in his throat as he swallowed.

“That since the day we met, you have been the most important person in my life, and that I would do anything to protect you, even if it meant staying away from you, when all I want to do is spend every waking moment with you.”

Harry’s confession hung over them like a dagger waiting to strike. Louis wasn’t sure when he started crying, but he was soon wiping away the silent tears that had fallen down his cheeks.

“What… I don’t…” he stammered.

Harry looked back down at his hands, that were clenched tightly in his lap, “I am so sorry for making you ever feel that you don’t matter to me, to the band. You don’t know how happy I was when we were finally free from Modest. I was going to try and make it up to you, but then you were off partying and you never came out to LA, and each time I flew to London, you seemed to be conveniently out of town.”

Louis couldn’t help but lower his head in embarrassment, knowing everything Modest had him out doing that year, and how he didn’t exactly object to being on the opposite end of the earth as Harry.

“It never occured to me that they were doing the same thing to you as they were to me. It was only when Niall called me in a panic cause you were apparently in a right state and he demanded to know what I had said to you, that I put things together,” Harry paused, his face showing everyone emotion that he felt as he thought back onto that day. “Fuck was I scared that night, I almost dropped everything to get to you. But when Niall told me to stay away, I was gutted. How did we get to a place where I caused you to have a panic attack. It killed me,” he said as he rubbed his eyes, making sure there were no tears.”

Without notice, Louis turned and headed back into the kitchen to fix their tea, giving him a moment to regroup from what Harry had just revealed to him, and the fact that Niall had told him about his panic attacks, something he hadn’t been ready to share with Harry. He took his time pouring the tea, taking calming breaths as he did so. When he finally thought he was calm enough, he grabbed the two mugs and made his way back into the living room.

Harry didn’t look up when he entered, so Louis gently placed the mug in front of him on the coffee table before going to sit at the opposite end of the couch. The pair sat in awkward silence for several moments, neither knowing what to say next, when Harry finally broke the silence, “I didn’t know how bad it was for you Lou, if I had known I would have done more to protect you.”

“Harry, it’s not your job to protect me.”

Harry snorted, “Pot, kettle Lou,” he said as he gestured between them

Louis sighed, “I’m the oldest Harry, of course I am going to look out for the band. If nothing else I needed to be sure that you all were ok.”

“Then why can’t you understand that I feel the same protectiveness about you?”

Louis growled in frustration, “Well maybe because I have spent the better part of the past 4 years thinking you wanted nothing to do with me! So excuse me Harry if I am having a hard time wrapping my head around everything that you are telling me.”

The two stared at each other with heated gazes, the frustration at one another rolling off them in droves. Harry sighed, “God, I really fucked up.”

“No Harry,” Louis exhaled tiredly, “We both fucked up.”

“Lou,” Harry started, but Louis cut him off with a wave of his hand.

“No Harry, it’s true, we have both done some really stupid things under the guise of good intentions and we’ve both hurt each other and the band as a result. God Harry, I thought you hung the moon back then, you were my favorite person, I wasn’t ever sure of much, but I was always sure of you, of us. You broke my heart tossing me aside like you did.”

Harry nodded sadly, he moved closer to Louis, and hesitated as he reached for Louis hand, “I wish I could have done things differently. To now know how they played us against each other, we wasted so much time.”

Louis looked down at his hand clasped in Harry’s. He couldn't help but notice the difference in the last time he held hands with him. His hands were much larger, stronger, but still provided the same comfort that it did all those years ago, when they would cling to each other before each X-factor performance.

“I know we have so much to talk about, there is so much more to say and explain, for both of us. But I have been in love with you since I was sixteen years old Louis. I don’t want to waste another moment.” Harry said softly, his voice filled with emotion, as his right hand he hand moved to cup his cheek softly, his fingers ghosting over his skin, causing the hairs on the back of his neck to stand on end.

“Harry,” Louis breathed out.

Harry moved to lean in, his eyes fluttering shut as he moved closer.

It took a moment for Louis to realize what was happening, “No Harry, stop,” Louis said pulling away, quickly getting off the couch, needing to put some much needed distance between them.

“But.. I thought you felt the same?”

Louis shook his head, wrapping his arms around himself tightly, as he slowly tried to quell the panic inside him. “I don’t know what I feel Harry. I didn’t even realize I was in love with you back then until Mac pointed it out.”

“Back then,” Harry said dejectedly.

“Look Harry, you can’t just spring this on me, tell me you love me, and expect for us to just kiss and make up, life doesn’t work like that. I need time to sort through everything, I am dealing with a lot on my own, so you need to give me time to work through this,” Louis looked at Harry, his eyes begging for him to understand. “On top of that we need to get to know each other again Harry. We’re not who we six years ago, so much has happened, we need to spend some time getting to know each other again, and we can see where we go from there, ok?”

Harry took a moment to let Louis words wash over him before he nodded, “You’re right. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed. I have just been keeping this inside for so long, I just got excited. Of course you’re right. I just hope you give me the chance to make this right.”  
Louis couldn't help but be charmed by the eager look on Harry’s face, “Of course Harry, I think we owe it to ourselves to work this out. I don’t want to go back to a life where you aren’t in it.”

Harry smiled brightly as he stood up, “I am going to hug you now,” he stated.

Louis couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled out from him, “Get over here you lout!”

Harry wasted no time wrapping his arms around Louis in a tight embrace, burying his head into the crook of Louis neck, “We’ll make this better,” he kept whispering softly.

Louis wished he had Harry’s optimism, that everything was going to be alright, he just didn’t know. He was so confused. His thoughts were running a mile a minute, and he honestly didn’t know how he felt about Harry and the whole situation. All he could do was squeeze Harry back, and hope everything would be ok in the end.

* * *

  
It wasn’t until he shut the door behind Harry, that everything came crashing down on Louis. It wasn’t the normal panic that gripped him tight and refuse to let go. This was an unfamiliar feeling that had him frozen in place, his hand still holding the door handle unable to move a single muscle. He didn’t know how long he stood there until he felt Mac’s reassuring touch on his shoulder.

“Let go of the door Lou,” she said softly, as she reached for his head to remove it from the door handle.

She didn’t say anything more as she guided him to the living room, sitting him down gently on the sofa as she wrapped her arms around him in reassurance.

“Let it out Lou,” she whispered.

That was all Louis needed to hear before he broke. He doesn’t remember the last time he cried like this. His body wracked with sobs, struggling to inhale as he let out years of pain. Years of thinking he wasn’t good enough. All the doubt and pain leaving his body with every tear he shed.

“I got you,” Mac repeated, as she held him. The two of them rocking back and forth as Louis cried until there were no more tears. The they sat in silence, Louis shuddering breaths the only noise in the room, as Mac gently caressed his hair.

“All these years,” he choked.

“I’m sorry Lou,” she replied, kissing his forehead gently, trying to provide him any comfort that she could, “We’ll work it out.”

Louis didn’t respond, as he closed his eyes tightly as he let the numbness that he was feeling wash over him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it is a little shorter than my other chapters but I felt this was a good place to stop, as always love to hear your thoughts. 
> 
> Feel free to say hi to me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/Ally_Hill_)!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE!!!!
> 
> Here is chapter 11! Got this one out sooner than expected! I hope you like it, to make up for the shorter chapter 10, this one is a fair bit longer,
> 
> As always I love to hear your thoughts on the chapter and story so far, your kind words are much appreciated! Thanks to everyone who read/commented/kudo the last chapter!
> 
> Have also started on a new story as well, won't post this one until it's finished, it is going to be a one-shot, can't wait for you all to read it!
> 
> Lots of love!

-11-

_Take it from me, darling, You don't want a heart_

Louis sat in the oversized plush leather chair, picking at invisible threads from the stitching, as he waited for his session to start. Normally Dr. Collins would start talking as soon as he sat down, but today she was silently observing him, as if she knew every thought that was racing through his head.

“You’re awfully quiet today Louis,” Dr. Collins stated.

He shrugged in response, not sure how or where to begin.

“Did something happen since the last time we spoke?” she questioned.

It took Louis a few moments longer to reveal why he was out of sorts. “Harry stopped by unexpectedly.”

“Your bandmate?”

He nodded.

“We haven’t spoken much about your time in One Direction, why would a visit from Harry leave you in such a state?” She questioned softly.

It was a loaded question for Louis. What wouldn’t send Louis into chaos with a visit from Harry, he thought bitterly. “Harry and I have a complicated past,” was all he offered.

Louis could tell by the look on Dr. Collins’ face that she conveying the tone of, it’s his money and time they are wasting if he wanted to skirt around whatever was bothering him.

He sighed, letting his displeasure known, “It’s a long and complicated story, but suffice to say, Harry and I started off as two peas in pod really. You couldn’t find one of us without the other back in the early days of the band,” he paused.

“I take it that all change?” she asked.

He nodded, “Yup,” he popped. Taking a deep breath he continued, “We used to live together in a flat in London, two best friends just living the life, ya know, and he just sprung it on me that he was moving out, wanted to have his own space, wanted to try and quell the relationship rumors that we were constantly bombarded with, truth was the rumors never bothered me, Harry and I knew the truth and if our fans wanted to think we were together then who were we to stop them,” he shrugged.

“I didn’t think they bothered Harry either, but when he told me he wanted to move out and why, I was surprised, but he was my best friend, how could I deny him, if he felt he needed his own space?”

Dr. Collins nodded, “So you never tried to stop him,” she stated rhetorically.

He shook his head, “Back then, if Harry asked me to jump off a bridge I would have. So I kept everything to myself and helped him pack. Honestly, I didn’t think much would change once he moved out. As a band we still spent an obscene amount of time together, always around each others place, so I thought we would still see each other all the time.”

“But that’s not what happened.”

Louis nodded sadly, as he went to picking at the invisible lint on his trousers, “It took me a while to notice, but he stopped coming round, stopped texting, not all at once, but little by little. Normally he would respond within minutes of me texting him, now it was taking hours, then days, then not at all,” he said, taking a shuddering breath as he continued, “He started hanging out with a new group of friends, friends that did not like me, and made it very clear that they merely tolerated me for Harry’s sake. It hurt, Harry never stood up for me with them, just laughed along with them. He was no longer the boy I would spend all night talking to trying to reassure each other that our performance was going to be ok, that we didn’t have to hide who we were to each other. He made it painfully clear that I no longer had a place in his life.”

Louis swiped at invisible tear on his cheek, refusing to make eye contact with Dr. Collins.

“So he just cut you out of his life, with no explanation.”

Louis nodded, “Pretty much, I never had the stomach to bring it up or confront him about it. Figured I must have done something to make him not want to be friends anymore. I mean, how he treated the other boys never changed, just me,” he said softly, his voice trembling softly with all the hurt he had been keeping locked up for years.

“So you just let yourself fade into the background?”

“Pretty much. The boys tried to help, figure out what happened, but Harry never said anything, and it wasn’t like he was being mean, we just weren’t like we used to be.”

“And you have been carrying around that hurt all this time?”

Louis nodded, “Harry was such a big part of my life back then, it felt like losing a piece of me when he left,” he admitted.

Dr. Collins took a few moments, clearly struggling to ask her next question, and in truth, he wasn’t shocked by it. “Did you ever think your feelings for Harry were more than friendship, and that is why you have struggled so much to let it go?”

Louis couldn’t help but smile at the question, thinking back to the conversations he had with Mac all those months ago. “I never used to. It wasn’t until I met Mac and she called me out on it that I realized that maybe my feelings for Harry ran deeper than I thought.”

“Why do you think it never occured to you?”

“I’m not really sure. From day one, Harry and I never lied to each other about our sexual preferences, but I guess we were just so comfortable with each other, we never questioned it.”

“That maybe you were already in a romantic relationship with one another, just not a sexual one.”

That caused Louis to pause, he had never thought of it like that before. But in a way it made sense, how they were back then they really had all the aspects of being in a loving relationship. He shared things with Harry he has never shared with any one, we he was down or sick, all he wanted was to be curled up next to the younger boy. In some ways, his heart already knew that Harry was his other half, even if he mind didn’t.

“Hadn’t thought of it like that,” he finally admitted out loud.

“How does that make you feel?” she questioned, as she continued taking notes, observing his every action and reaction.

“As confused as ever.”

“That’s perfectly understandable. How do you think Harry would react if you told him?”

“He would probably agree.”

“Even though he was the one to push you out of his life?”

He nodded.

“Does that have to do with his recent visit?”

He nodded again.

Dr. Collins smiled at his stubbornness, “Why don’t you tell me about it.”

Louis glanced up at the clock hanging on the wall above her desk, praying the session was almost over, and trying not to cringe when he saw there was still plenty of time left.

“Harry originally stopped by a few weeks after I arrived back in London. He didn’t stay long but he spent the whole visit yelling at me for leaving like I did and then ignoring him once I got back. He basically just unloaded all his anger on me, so it's safe to say that visit didn’t go particularly well. So when i saw him off in LA joking around with his friends, I lost it, and I left him a very angry voice message. So I really shouldn’t have been surprised that he again showed up at my door unannounced.”

“But you were.”

“Yup. I really wasn’t up for talking with him, but Harry can be just as stubborn as I am, so I figured I would humour him before kicking him out,” he shrugged. “Should have known better.”

Dr. Collins didn’t reply, but waited for him to continue.

“Harry decided it was time I knew why he pushed me away all those years ago. Seems Harry and I are more similar than I realized.”

“How do you mean?” she asked.

“Seems Harry had the same notion of wanting to protect me, as I did him. So like me, he made some unsavoury deals with management. With me management wanted to ruin my reputation in order to keep me compliant, knowing no one would want a troubled popstar, with Harry, they held me over his head,” he paused, taking a calming breath. “Because they did not want two non-straight members in their most successful boy band ever, management told Harry to distance himself as much as possible from me or else they would make me do even more damaging stunts then I was already doing. So he didn’t just distance himself from me, he pushed me out the damn door,”he tried to joke.

“We’ll park the conversation on your management for now, but we will come back to it,” Dr. Collins said, “How did it make you feel when Harry told you this?”

“What didn’t it make me feel.”

“Louis,” she warned, she was aware of his tendency to deflect with humor.

“I think I went through the full spectrum. I started off confused, then angry, then sad, and so on.”

“What emotion resonated the most for you?”

He took a moment to think back on that night and all he felt. “Anger, mostly.”

“Why anger?” she asked.

“Angry at myself for not pushing Harry for a reason for walking away, for not realizing sooner what management was up to. Anger towards Harry for not trusting me with what was going on, for him just thinking he could just walk back into my life like it was nothing.”

“Those are all perfectly valid feelings Louis. Did you express your anger to Harry?”

“Kind of, I think I was too thrown at first to really express my confusion and anger, especially when he expressed his feelings towards me.”

“How do you mean?”

Louis sighed, “I think Harry admitted that he was in love with me, or was in love with me, I’m not really sure. He tried to kiss me, but I pushed him away, asking for time to absorb everything.”

“That was very mature of you Louis.”

Louis laughed, “I don’t know about that, but I was feeling overwhelmed and I just needed space.”

“And how did Harry react?”

“I think he understood. I think he was disappointed, but I couldn't just forget everything that had happened, how it made me feel, even if it I now knew it was no longer true.”

“Seems like Harry gave you a lot to think about,” she offered.

“Yes he did.”

“How are you feeling now that some time has passed?”

“The same. It didn’t cause me to have a panic attack like his last visit, but I had a good cry about it, it helped, but, I’m still lost as to what to do next.”

“It’s ok to not have all the answers Louis, these things take time. I am glad you are more emotionally and self aware then when we first started, you’ve made incredible progress, but you are still internalizing everything. Your brain is searching for a way to make this all your fault somehow.”

Louis wanted to deny it, but he knew she was right, he hadn’t said it out loud, but he couldn’t deny the thoughts that crossed his mind, blaming himself for all the years he and Harry lost. He tried to stop himself everytime he thought that, but he couldn’t deny the thought did exist.

“For our next session I want you to use the journal we started during our first session and write out your thoughts and feelings on this. I can tell you are very much still in your head, and I think it would help to get everything out. As you do so I want you to remember that your feelings are valid, and that Harry is a grown adult and you are not responsible for his actions.”

“Ok,” he hesitated.

“I know that is easier said than done, but I think the first step is one acknowledging everything you are feeling. Next I want you to write out every reaction you have, logical or not, if you think it write it down. Finally I want you to then take the feelings and reactions and i want you to write out your thoughts on them. For instance, do you think they are logical, if they aren’t why. This is a way to get you to try and recognize all the negative thoughts you have.”

“May need another notebook for that,” he quipped.

Dr. Collins sighed, “I want you to understand that your feelings are legitimate Louis. You are allowed to react and feel however you feel, you are allowed to be mad at Harry, he left you, not the other way around.”

Louis nodded, not knowing what exactly to say.

“Before we end for the day I want you to think on this”, she said as as she put her notebook down on her desk, “Our brains are funny sometimes, they like to take the most illogical situations and make them logical. Your brain seems to like try and find a way to turn things around so you find blame in yourself rather than in others. You believe that you are always the problem, that you must be the reason why someone leaves, or why the song wasn’t as successful as it should be.”

Louis looked down at his lap, knowing what she was saying was true but not wanting to admit it.

“You are not the problem or the reason Louis. Sometimes people leave, sometimes our ventures aren’t as successful as we think they will be. You can’t control everything, and if you stop and take a moment to really think about it, you would see that it is very rarely your fault. But I want you to think about this, even if someone decides that they don’t like you, how it is your problem?”

He paused before answering, trying to better understand what she was asking, “Well, I guess it would mean that I have done something to make them not like me.”

“So what,” she postured.

“Well I would want to try and change what made them not like me.”

“You shouldn’t have to change yourself to make someone else happy Louis. Even though that is what we all try and do, but you want to know a secret?” she asked like she was about to reveal the world's biggest mystery, “You can’t please everyone,” she laughed at its simplicity. “And Once you realize that, you free yourself from trying to. You aren’t perfect, noone is, there us always going to be someone who is disappointed, someone who just doesn’t like you. And what I am hoping you will come to realize is that it doesn’t matter. As long as you try your best and you are happy with yourself and your actions, no one else's opinion matters, not even those of our loved ones. Because what is the worst that can happen?”

“They leave or stop loving you,” he said quietly.

She nodded, “is that worse than being sick or even dying?” She asked.

“Well no, but it still hurts.”

She agreed, “Yes it hurts, but it won’t kill you, you can get through it.”

“I don’t understand.”

She smiled, “I know, it’s a hard way to think. But this is the ultimate goal of our sessions. It’s retraining your brain to go against its basic instinct to find fault in yourself, to be afraid of anything and everything. It’s no way to live if you think about it,” she offered. “All you can do is live your best life Louis, make decisions as best you can. When you stop trying to be perfect, to please everyone, you will find that when someone leaves you or says something hurtful, it still sucks, but you get over it. You can move on, it doesn’t hurt you as much as you think it does, it doesn’t stop you from doing what you want, the fear is just a little bit less.”

Louis paused. What she was saying made sense, deep down he knew he couldn’t please everyone, but it never stopped him from trying, he didn’t want to be left alone.

“I don’t know how to do that,” he admitted.

“You are not alone Louis. We all do it, even me. It’s human nature. We are easy to find fault in ourselves. We will bend over backwards to change, in order to make someone happy,” she paused thoughtfully, “But if they really loved us, they would never ask you to change. To keep them happy are you willing to lose yourself in the process? Is that someone you really want in your life? Why are you good enough the way you are?”

Louis choked back a sob as she asked her last question. It was something Louis asked every day.

“I know it’s hard to think like that Louis, but sometimes we are better off without someone in our lives, especially if they make you feel like there is something wrong with you.”

“I want to be good enough,” he cried softly.

“You are Louis, there is nothing wrong with you, you just have to first believe that yourself.”

“I want to,”

She smiled and handed him another tissue, “And you will, it will take us some time, but you will get there Louis. Nothing is perfect, there will still be times when you blame yourself or try and please everyone, but you’ll eventually catch yourself and pause to think is it really what you want.”

He nodded as he blew his nose.

“Trust me when I say it’s a lifelong struggle for all of us, but with awareness comes a certain amount of freedom, we learn to let go faster.”

“I’ll try.”

“That’s all you can ever do,” she smiled.

 

* * *

 

“Have you’ve moved your stuff here and I just haven’t noticed?” Louis asked as he walked into his living room to see Niall spread out on his sofa watching the latest sports updates on TV.

“I’m sneaky like that,” Niall laughed.

“Indeed,” Louis said as he sat down beside his friend. “Where’s Mac?” He asked.

“She took Grace to see her mom and dad for a bit.”

Louis nodded, “And you just decided to hangout?”

“Are you saying your day isn’t instantly brightened by my presence?”

Louis laughed and lightly punched Niall’s arm, “You are such a shit.”

“Mac told me Harry paid you another visit, so I thought I would come see how you are doing.”

“Mac told you eh, you got a spy in my house,” he teased.

“I have spies all over man, someones gotta look after your sorry ass,” he laughed, “And don’t change the subject.”

Louis sighed, really not up for round two today, but knew Niall wasn’t going to be satisfied with a non-response response. “Honestly, I don’t know how I am feeling right now, I am still trying to make head or tails of everything.”

Niall nodded in understanding, “Come give us cuddle and tell Uncle Niall all about your visit from Harry.”

Louis shook his head, “You are utterly ridiculous you know that right?”

Niall shrugged, “You love me.”

“Lucky you,” he smiled fondly.

“Now get over here, not fair Mac gets all your cuddles, haven’t had a proper one since the tour ended.”

Louis just shook his head as he moved towards Niall. It was one of his favorite things about Niall, not that he would ever admit out loud, but he loved that his Irish friend loved a good cuddle, didn’t matter where they were, he would often find the lad wrapped around him, or vice versa, just needing some extra comfort.

Once he was safely wrapped in his friends arms Louis told Niall all about Harry’s visit, his session with Dr. Collins, and everything else that seemed to pop in his head. It was like once he opened the can of worms with Niall he couldn’t stop, and in many ways he he didn’t want to.

He wasn’t sure how long he and Niall sat on the sofa as he spilled his guts, but when he pulled back to take in Niall’s reaction to everything, he was surprised that Niall didn’t seem to have one.

“You don’t seem surprised,” he stated.

Niall sighed, “While you were gone Harry and I had some very frank conversations, and again after he visited you the first time. He told me all that had gone on over the past few years, and safe to say I reamed him a new one, but I knew it wasn’t my place to tell you. I don’t think you would have believed me even if I did.”

Louis pulled back in shock.

“Harry didn’t tell me everything, but it wasn’t hard to put two and two together, and figure out his feelings were more than friendly towards you. I mean I love you man, you’re closer than family to me, but even I wasn’t reacting like our dear Harold was.”

“Oh.”

Niall laughed softly, “I think the two of you need a good spanking, if you ask me.”

“Kinky.”

“Shut it,” Niall chuckled playfully, “You two need to stop playing martyr, not only with each other but with me and Liam as well.”

“I.. uh…”

“No, you need to listen to me on this Louis. We aren’t 17 anymore, you have to trust us to make our own decisions and to stop trying to protect us from everything.”

Louis nodded, “I’m sorry.”

“Lou, I love that you want to look out for us, but can you understand that we want to do the same for you?”

“I know, I’m working on it,” he admitted.

Niall nodded, “Good, and I am here for you whenever you need to talk, don’t shut me out again.”

Louis buried himself back into Niall’s embrace, “Promise.”

Niall was quiet for a few minutes, his face set deep in concentration, “I think we need to get away as a band,” he finally said.

“What do you mean?”

“I think we need to take some time away, as a band, and talk. There are clearly a lot of issues that I think we need to resolve before we can move forward as a band.”

“Niall,” Louis started.

“No mate, I mean it, I think given everything that has gone on this past year, I think we need to put everything out in the open. If we are going to continue as a band I think we need to be in a better place, we need to trust one another again.”

“I’m sorry,” Louis said, thinking he was the cause of the bands distrust of one another.

“It’s not you Louis, or not just you rather. Bloody hell, we all played a part in getting to where we are today. No one person is at fault, but I honestly think that we need to come together and get everything out in the open, the good, the bad and the ugly.”

Louis thought about it for a few moments, it made sense, it many ways he just wanted to brush everything aside, but the rational parts of his brain knew that that wasn’t the smartest idea. “We are all so busy, how are we going to get everyone on board?”

“You just leave that up to me, I’ll get the whole thing organized, I just need a copy of your schedule so I can find the time, but we are going to do this. Sooner rather than later too.”

Louis nodded, “Ok.”

“Don’t worry Lou, it is all going to work out.”

Louis smiled and nodded, for the first time, he didn’t have sinking feeling when he thought of the future of the band.

* * *

 

Louis got into the habit of carrying around his journal Dr. Collins had given him, jotting down thoughts as they came to him, no matter where he was. The nice thing was, most people thought he was writing down lyrics, not the current crisis that was going on in his head.

But today he was happy to leave his journal behind. With Mac off at work, Louis was surprised to find himself with a free day, so he decided to spend it with Grace, and what better way to spend it then at the London Zoo. It was the middle of term and a work day, so he was hoping on being able to keep a low profile, but he was going to bring Preston and Alberto along just in case.

When he told Mac his plan, she didn’t even bat an eye and she reminded him to be sure to bring an extra jumper for her in case she gets cold. At this point you wouldn’t think he would still need reassurance that Mac trusted him with Grace, but he couldn’t deny the light feeling he got in his heart every time she unknowingly did.

Getting Grace ready for a day out in a feet in of itself. He is lucky most days if he can get her diaper on without having to chase her around the room, he delighted giggles filling the room each time she manages to escape his grasp. Today was no different. Every time he went to reach for a new piece of clothing she was off alternating between crawling and walking. By the time she was fully dressed, Louis was ready for a nap. Not that he was ever going to admit that out loud.

“We go bye?” Grace asked as he buckled her into her car seat.

Louis laughed, “Yes love, we are leaving the house for a bit.”

He settled in beside her once she was secure, Preston and Alberton in the front, both giving him amused looks. Let’s see how they feel when they are walking around the the pram and baby bags, he thought.

Luckily traffic was on their side as it took them less time than Louis thought before Preston was driving around trying to find a spot to park on one of the side streets in Primrose Hill.

Louis took Grace into his arms, as Alberto grabbed the pram out of the boot. Her eyes wide as she took in her new surroundings.

“Boo where?”

“It’s a surprise love,” he responded as he began to walk towards to Zoo entrance.

He could tell that she was apprehensive of what was going on but curious as well, as she laid her head to rest on his shoulder. Louis figured her excited reaction to the animals would be much better handled out of the pram, and he was right. As soon as Grace saw her first animal, her eyes wide with excitement, she was demanding he put her down so she could get as close as possible.

“Down, Boo, down!” she cried.

“In a minute love, lets get a little closer first, yeah?” he said as he moved closer to see some of the monkeys.

Grace looked at the monkeys with wide eyes as she watched them swing from one tree to the next, pointing excitedly when she spotted a new one. It was like that for every enclosure they saw.

For the most part Louis had no idea about some of the animals they were seeing, so he was more than happy to read out some of the information placards located around the enclosures. Grace soaked everything in. He wasn’t sure how much she understood, but she didn’t stop smiling the whole visit.

Turned out he didn’t need the pram as she as more than happy to walk or be carried as they visited each animal. He wasn’t sure which animal was her favorite until they reached the Gorillas. It took every ounce of reasoning he could think of as to why she couldn’t go into the gorilla enclosure, it didn’t help when one the baby gorillas came close to the viewing area. Grace was in love. It was torture to get her to move on from them, but he eventually managed with only a few tears, and a promise to visit again soon. He also made sure they stopped by the gift shop on the way out, and if Prestons arms happened to be filled with all sorts of gorilla toys, who could really blame him.

Despite Grace’s mini breakdown at the Gorilla enclosure, it was a good trip out. No one seemed to pay them any attention, so he was able to put his full focus on Grace the entire visit. It wasn’t until they were leaving, taking a quick stroll through Regent’s Park that he was recognized.

“Louis can we have an autograph?” he heard a young girl call from behind him.

He turned to look at them and nodded, as he passed Grace off to Alberto, asking him to stand a bit aways from them.

“Alright girls?” he said as he approached them.

“Is that your daughter?” one of the girls asked as started signing whatever was put in front of him.

“Yes it is,” he confirmed.

“She’s adorable,” another girl said.

“Thanks love,” he smiled.

“That’s so nice you get to have a daddy daughter day.”

Louis nodded, “It’s my favorite kind of day.”

If this were an anime he was sure the four girls would have hearts beating from their eyes when he said that. He just shook his head and offered to do a group photo with them before he had to be off.

Alberto had managed to keep Grace easily entertained as he waved goodbye to the girls,

“We are happy you seem to be doing better Louis and so glad you are back, can’t wait to see what you are up to!” One girl called out as they turned to leave.

He couldn’t help the smile that came across his face. It was his first encounter with a fan since before he left. He had visions of it always being a disaster. Them yelling at him for leaving, being disappointed in his past behaviour. But it was none of that. They seemed genuinely happy to see him and have a bit of a chat. They respected that he wanted to keep Grace hidden and made no move to sneak a picture of her.

It was Preston who brought him out of his thoughts as he clapped him on the shoulder, “We’re all happy your back kid, so stop looking for trouble.”

He wasn’t sure how Preston knew, but he wasn’t going to argue, “I’m getting there.”

Preston nodded, “Good, you’re doing ok kid.”

Louis smiled as he looked up at his old friend and bodyguard, “Glad you have my back,” he responded.

“Always.”

The group walked back to the car, Grace knocking her new stuffed baby gorilla against Alberto’s head, much to Louis delight. He was surprised how long they were at the zoo for. It was mid-afternoon and Louis knew Grace was past due for a nap. While she showed no signs of slowing down, he knew if he didn’t get her down soon, he was going to have one grumpy baby on his hands.

“Boo happy?” she asked on their drive home.

“I’m very happy love. Is Grace happy?”

She nodded with a big smile on her face, one lone tooth visible as she reached for his hand to hold onto. “Love Boo,” she said as she turned to look out the window, making no move to release his hand.

“Love you too my saving Grace,” he said softly, turning to look out his own window with a soft smile playing on his face. Today was a good day.

Their afternoon together was much calmer, after their quick nap, which Louis will swear he was just resting his eyes for; they spent the rest of their day playing and watching whatever cartoon they could find.

That was how Mac found them. He never heard her come in, as he was distracted by making sure he got all the parts for “I’ll Make a Man Out Of You” right, just right. He should have known better. He was just getting to the climax of the song, he had Grace captivated with his performance, as he heard a snicker from behind him.

Louis whipped around to see Mac covering her mouth trying to keep her laughter at bay, phone held up.

“Don’t stop on my account,” she laughed.

“Please tell me you didn’t film that,” he sighed, he should have rigged the doors, he thought.

“Ye of little faith,” she smirked, “It was too good to just keep to myself, I am sure all your fans would love to hear you singing again.”

“I hate you,” he hissed.

She cackled as she went to her room to change from her work outfit, “You love me,” she called out.

Louis turned to Grace, “I really don’t.”

* * *

 

Later that night, Mac and Louis were sipping on their tea as they went over some business, as Grace had long since gone to bed.

“So everything is dropping next week, how do you feel?” Mac asked.

He shrugged, “Little nervous, not going to lie, but excited to start working on the show.”

She smiled, “I think it will be a great thing for you, think it will re-spark your love of music again.”

He scoffed, “I still love it.”

“I don’t doubt it, but you can’t deny that your passion for it has faded a little.”

“Fair.”

“Besides, think of all the fun you are going to have trying to take all the best contestants.”

Louis laughed, “Ya, that is going to be fun!”

“Once the article drops, we’re going to look to try and get you into fashion a bit. Nothing crazy, but I think maybe a few designer collaborations, few campaigns, just something to spread your portfolio a bit.”

Louis nodded, “Sounds smart.”

“I have a few good ideas every now and then.”

“Every now and then,” he laughed.

“I think that is it for now, Dom’s got something cooking, but he is keeping it to himself at the moment, so if there is anything you want us to be looking at, let me know.”

He nodded, “I think we are good, I like the slower build up, gives me a chance to get my bearings.”

“I figured, you’re guys schedule when you were in the band was insane, I am surprised none of you dropped dead, we would never have you running around like that.”

“I appreciate it, felt more like performing monkeys back then. Go here, sing this, there was hardly ever time to savour the moment.”

“Well now you can, so savour away.”

Louis laughed, “You are such a nut.”

She shrugged, “You wouldn’t have me any other way.”

“True, two nuts and a kid.”

Mac laughed,”God help her.”

“She is doomed,” he agreed.

“How you doing love,” she asked, “I know it was a rough week.”

He sighed, running his hand over his face, “I’m doing ok. Dr. Collins is helping, she has me writing everything down, which as crazy as it seemed, its actually helping.”

“That’s good. I am glad your finding your way.”

He smiled, reaching out to squeeze her hand, “I’m getting there. Spending the day with Grace was just what the Doctor ordered.”

Mac laughed, squeezing his hand back, “She has that effect. I saw all the the new Gorilla paraphernalia you bought her.”

“You should have seen her Mac. I thought her eyes were going to pop out of their sockets. She desperately wanted to climb into the enclosure. It was hilarious.”

“I can only imagine, we’ll have to go again one day, I have a feeling she is going to be all about the Gorilla’s from now on.”

He nodded in agreement. Louis was pulled from his conversation with Mac when he heard his cell vibrating on the coffee table. He grabbed it, looking at the caller ID, sighing he answered.

“Hello Harold,” he greeted.

Mac got up from the couch, kissing his forehead gently, as she went up to her room, giving him some privacy.

“Hi Lou,” Harry’s slow drawl came through the line.

There were a few minutes of awkward silence before Louis broke it, “Was there something I could help you with Harry?”

Harry sighed, “Sorry, I don’t know why this is so awkward.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say Harry,”

“I want this to be five years ago where we could talk about everything and nothing at the same time,” Harry admitted.

“Harry,” Louis begged.

“No, I’m sorry, that’s not why I called,” he said apologetically, “I wanted to apologize for the other night. I should have never put you in that position. I have just been trying to find a way to tell you for so long, that I went about the worst way to do it.”

“I know Harry, it’s ok.”

“No it’s not, and you shouldn’t let me off the hook. I pushed you expecting everything to be as it was five years ago, and that was just stupid of me. So I wanted to apologize and see if we can start over again,” he said, “as friends.”

Louis paused, he knew he had so many unresolved issues when it came to Harry, so much more figuring out he had to do, but he also knew he was never going to figure it all out if he kept running away. “I’d like that Harry,” he finally responded.

“Ya? Good, I am so glad. I promise to go at your pace Louis, just let me know when you need space or whatever,” he rambled.

Louis couldn’t help but chuckle, it reminded him so much of Harry during the X-Factor days, just a bundle of nerves and energy.

“I appreciate that.”

“Great. I am heading of to LA for a few days, for a few late night performances as we get ready to drop the album.”

“That’s great Harry.”

“I was hoping it would be ok to text or call you while I am away?” he asked softly, as if he feared Louis’ rejection.

“I’d like that, and maybe when you get back we can spend some time together, to catch up.”

Louis swore he could hear Harry’s smile through the phone, “That’s perfect.. I would love that. I really am sorry for everything Louis.”

Louis smiled, “I know H. I am too.”

“There’s nothing you need to be sorry for.”

“I appreciate that, I am not completely blameless. I fell into managements trap as well and rather than let you all in, I kept you all at arms length, trying to protect you, and in doing so I almost destroyed myself.”

“But you are getting better?” Harry asked.

“One step at a time.”

“I’m glad, I know I may not be your favorite person at the moment, but if you do need to talk, I am here for your Louis and I promise I am not going anywhere.”

Louis clutched his phone tightly, wanting desperately to believe Harry, and ignore the voice in his head that was telling him that he would leave the first chance he got.

“Prove it to me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For all of you who asked for one of Louis' therapy sessions, I hope this lived up to it. 
> 
> I am off for the easter weekend, so I am going to try and write as much as possible!
> 
> Let me know your thoughts!
> 
> X


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey All!
> 
> It's me again with the latest chapter! Sorry it took longer to get out. Life got in the way, I was studying for a promotional board for work, don't think I got it, but such is life, so I didn't get to focus a lot on this until recently. 
> 
> Thanks again to everyone who read, commented, kudo, it means a lot that you are enjoying this story. I can't wait for you to read what is coming up! Lots of fun stuff with Louis, the boys, Mac and Grace and of course Harry!
> 
> Let me know what you think of chapter 12, I hope you enjoy! As a little surprise, at the end of the chapter you'll find a summary of a new story I am working on, it's about half way done, it will probably be a two parter, and I can't wait to share it with you!
> 
> All the love!
> 
> L

-12-

_Hey there, Mr. Tin Man, I'm glad we talked this out_

There were days that Louis missed the quiet life of Hawaii. He was still getting used to having a schedule again, and he was enjoying his work on the Voice, he loved working with Rita, it reminded him of the days he and Liam used to chase each other around the stage with various water filled items. Basically they were trouble, and everyone at the Voice seemed to love that they never quite knew what the two of them were going to do next.

But he missed the beach and the ocean and the sun. Waking up with no set plan for the day, spending all day playing with Grace and staying up late talking with Mac.

Mac and Dom were keeping him busy. Once the news that he was the latest Voice coach dropped alongside the article, Mac was inundated with requests from every popular radio and TV show he could think of. All wanting to know what’s next.

They had chosen a few radio call-ins to do around the US and the UK, he still wasn’t entirely comfortable doing in person interviews by himself. When the request from BBC Radio 1 came in, Louis took great pleasure in offering the interview to Capital. And if Nick happened to bitch about it the next morning, then he was more than happy to tweet out a message to Capital for all their kind words and support. He wasn’t giving Nick any freebies.

He was also getting requests to attend different events, and Dom was all too happy to offer suggestions on which ones he thought would be most beneficial to Louis.

His first public event was already set for the end of the month, Mac and Dom both attending with him. It was going to be one of the few times he could actually sit back. He wasn’t set to perform, just attend as he had always been a big supporter of the Little Princess Trust, so he was more than happy to donate a few items for the auction to be held at the charity dinner and attend to draw up additional attention to the cause. He had never been out in that sort of setting before with Mac and Dom so he was kind of looking forward to the evening. Mac had told him many stories of the two of them growing up and all the events they went to, and how much fun they used to have, at the guests expense. It would be an interesting evening for sure.

While they were only in their second day of filming the auditions, he and Rita had quickly taken to twitter to smack talk each other, to much of the fans and networks delight. Tom and Will.i.am were more on the reserved side, but every now and then they gave him and Rita a run for their money in trying to convince some of the artists to choose them as their mentor.

Everyone around set had comentated how there was an extra spark in filming this year, and most attributed it to Louis. He had waved them off each time someone said it, but he couldn’t help the flutter in his stomach everytime they did.

“Hey Mr. Tomlinson,” a voice called, pulling him from his thoughts.

Louis turned and smiled, seeing Jacob, one of the segment producers, making his way towards him. The first time he met Jacob, Louis was surprised to find out he was on the PAs running around trying to make a good impression, but was actually running the show. He wasn’t much taller than Louis but built a bit stalkier, his blonde hair falling just right to give him the just fell out of bed look, and with a posh London accent that gave him an air of authority when he looked closer. But it was his baby face that threw Louis, it was soft and inviting, and made him look at least ten years younger than he was.

“What have I told you Jacob, it’s Louis,” he said admonished jokingly.

“Sorry, Mr. T, umm, Louis,” he blushed as he stopped in front of Louis.

“Better,” he smiled. “What can I do for you Jacob?”

“I just wanted to check in to see how things were going, and to, umm, remind you that we’ve delayed the Battle Rounds filming by two weeks.”

Louis smiled, “Thanks Jacob, things are great, you guys are running a tight ship here,” he laughed, his eyes crinkling as he did so. “I’ll be sure to mark the change in my calendar change in filming, if I don’t write it down I will forget about it faster than Year 10 math.”

Jacob smiled, his hand touching Louis elbow lightly as he gave a light laugh, “I here you, I leave a post-it pad beside my bed, you don’t know how many times I have woken up in the middle of the night with an idea, and then forgot it by morning.”

Louis laughed with him, “It’s the worst, though I will have to remember your post-it idea.”

Jacob’s cheeks pinked slightly, quickly changing the subject, “Have you decided on who your advisor is going to be?”

Louis titled his head, “I have some ideas, but nothing concrete yet, I am hoping by next week to lock someone down.”

“Just let us know when you do, we’ll need to do some promo shots with them.”

Louis nodded, “Will do Jacob.”

“5 minutes everyone,” someone hollered from on set.

“Guess that’s me,” Louis said, nodding towards the set.

“If there is anything you need just let me know Louis.”

Louis smiled, “Thanks Jacob, that is much appreciated,” he said turning to head back to his red chair.

“You know he has a crush on you,” Rita said startling him.

“Ah!” he squealed. “What the fuck Rita!” he said slowly, his hand clutching his chest as he glared at her.

Rita threw her head back laughing, “Could you have sounded any more like a five year old girl.”

“Shut up,” he mumbled as he tried to walk past her.

“Somebody's got a crush,” she sang softly in his ear, as she caught up to him.

“What are you going on about?” he asked, his hands resting on his hips as he turned to look at her.

“Our dear segment producer Jacob has the hots for you,” she said crossing her arms as she looked at him, clearly amused by the whole situation.

“He does not.”

“You’re not serious Lou? He literally blushes every time you open your mouth.”

“What? No?”

Rita laughed, “You are so oblivious.”

“Regardless,” he said offended by her accusation, “It doesn’t matter that he has a crush, who says I am interested in him.”

Rita narrowed her eyes at him, “In him, or men in general?”

Surprised, all Louis could do was fish his mouth.

“I’ve known you far too long to know you don’t swing that way Lou.”

“I, uh,” he stumbled.

Seeing his hesitation, she pulled him into a hug, “I know you aren’t really out love, but I love you and just want to see you happy.”

Louis wrapped his arms around her as he took in her words, “Thanks love,” he said softly, “But no matchmaking.”

“But Lou! Why can’t I be your fairy godmother?” she pouted.

Louis barked with laughter, “One, because you have too much of the devil in you, and second, I don’t really need any help in that department, thank you very much.”

Rita raised her eyebrow at him, “You really want to go there. When was the last time you got laid?”

“Fuck off,” he said. Too long, he thought. “How do you know Mac and I aren’t together?” he challenged.

“If you bothered to pay attention you would know that Mac and I are good friends.”

He clearly needed to start paying better attention, “That I did not know.”

“No shit,” she said amused. “Besides, Mac is too good for you.”

He nodded, she was. “Anyways, I still don’t need any help thank you very much.”

She pouted, not at all liking his answer, “Fine then. I guess I won’t send any attractive available men your way.”

Louis shook his head, knowing that no matter what he said, she was going to try and play matchmaker, “Or women,” he added.

“What?”

“I go both ways love. I’m flexible like that.”

Rita snorted, “I didn’t ask how you were in bed,” she said, laughter bubbling up with each word.

“You wish you knew what I was like in bed love,” he teased.

“Ew no, that would be like shagging my brother.”

Louis laughed, “Then stop thinking too much about my love life,” he countered.

“You are no fun.”

“We both know that’s not true.”

She just stuck her tongue out at him.

“Cute,” he said.

Realizing she wasn’t going to let her set him up with anyone, she moved back to her original topic, “So what are you going to do about Jacob?”

“Nothing. There is nothing wrong with a little crush.”

“Hmm,” was all she said as she made her way up on the stage and into her seat.

“What?” he said following her on stage.

“Nothing dear,” she said, her tone mocking.

“Such a pain,” he said turning to the audience as if to get them to agree. They started cheering.

“Traitors!” Rita scolded to the crowd.

* * *

 

After a long day of filming all Louis wanted to do was have a cup of tea and pass out. As he walked through to the kitchen he sighed.

“One of these days I am going to come home, and the only people sitting on my couch will be the people who actually live here,” he said in passing as he continued on into the kitchen to make himself a cup of tea.

“Then you shouldn’t give us all keys,” Lottie said.

He turned to look at his sister, with a raised eyebrow, “None of you have keys, and yet,” he said, leaving the sentence unfinished.

She shrugged, “I’m not going to apologize.”

“Didn’t expect you to,” he sighed, “What are you doing here Lottie?”

“I thought we should talk,” she mumbled as she looked down at the floor.

“Funny, you didn’t seem to want to talk when you refused to come down with everyone to meet Mac and Grace .”

“What do you want me to say Louis? I was pissed,” she said, throwing her hands up in frustration.

“And you couldn’t put that aside for five minutes to come and meet my daughter?”

“She’s not your,” she started but left the sentence unfinished.

“She’s not what Charlotte?” he demanded, his fist clenched at his side as he stared her down.

She turned her head under the weight of his stare, “Nothing.”

“No finish what you were going to say! She’s not my daughter, is that what you were going to say?”

“I didn’t come here to argue with you.”

“You’re off to a great start.”

“Lou,” she started.

“No, you listen to me Charlotte, I love you to bits, you are my sister, but if you ever say that Grace is not my daughter again,well then... you are not welcomed in my house,” he said, his facing not showing any emotion as he started at his sister. “She may not be my biological daughter but she is mine in ever way that counts, so don’t you dare say otherwise.”

“I didn’t mean it,” she tried to argue.

“Yes you did, you are pissed at me for leaving and not telling anyone, so you are lashing out at me where you know you’ll do the most damage. I get that you are mad Lottie, but there is only so much blame I am willing to shoulder, and I won’t let you use Grace to punish me.”

Lottie paused and took a good look at her brother, “It’s been a while since I’ve seen this Louis,” she mused.

“What?”

“You. Confident, commanding,” she answered, “I guess I really didn’t see how much of a toll the past few years had taken on you.”

Louis sighed, “Lots,”

She shook her head, “No, it’s true isn’t it.”

He shrugged, “What do you want me to say, I told you why I felt I had to get away. I wasn’t lying about that.”

She nodded, “I guess I didn’t want to believe you. I was so angry at you.”

“I hadn’t noticed,” he said flatly.

She rolled her eyes in response. “It hurt that you felt you couldn’t turn to us,” she admitted.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “It wasn’t that I didn’t think I could turn to you guys, it was that I was so lost I didn’t know what I would be turning to you for.”

“What do you mean?”

He sighed, running a hand through his hair and down the back of his neck before dropping it back at his side. “I was in a bad place Lottie, a really dark place. But I thought I was the problem, that I deserved it, that I was the screw up and weak link. That I just couldn’t handle it anymore,” he admitted, his eyes brimming with tears, “I didn’t want to burden mom and you with what I felt were failures on my part, I mean what could you have done.”

He whipped at his eyes, trying to hide away the emotion behind them, “I didn’t think there was anything that could help me. I thought it was better for me to just disappear, to remove myself from everyone’s life.”

“Louis,” Lottie choked.

“This life I lead is hard, harder than I ever thought. Most people think that money and success makes life easier, but it doesn’t,” he dropped his gaze to the floor, “When you already think the worst of yourself, it destroys you a little more each day to have all your insecurities spat back at you. The negative voices drown out the positive ones, and I broke,” he admitted softly, “So I did the only thing I could think of. I ran.”

Not bothering to wipe at the tears that were falling down his cheek as he heard the sobs coming from his sister, he continued, “For so long I felt that I had to be the strong one, to take on every burden, to protect everyone,” he sighed, “It took me a long time to realize that even the strong break, that it is ok to ask for help.”

He looked up at Lottie, “Mac taught me that,” he paused trying to find the words to explain all that Mac had done for him. “She was there for me in a way no has been in a long time. She shouldered my burden and helped me get stronger. To start to believe in myself again. To put myself into the equation, and to open up and trust others to be there for me.”

Lottie threw herself at her brother, crying into the crook of his neck as she clung to him, muttering “I’m sorry,” as he held her.

They stayed like that until Lottie’s had subsided. “I’m sorry Louis,” she whispered.

He pulled back to look at his sister, “Lottie it's not for you to apologize.”

She shook her head, “Yes it is. I should have been a better sister and checked in on you more, and I should have listened the first time tried to explain everything to me.”

“Lottie,” he smiled, “You were angry, and you had a right to be, I could have handled it all better than I did.”

“No, it was a dick move on my part, to not listen what you were saying. And I am sorry I didn’t come and meet Grace and Mac, she must hate me,” she said ducking her head in embarrassement.

“She doesn’t, she has been the one telling me to give you time and that you would come to me when you were ready.”

“Well that makes me even more of a bitch for hating her.”

Louis laughed, “I can’t help you there. But it would mean a lot to me if you tried to get along with her. Her and Grace are family.”

“Are you two?” she asked, leaving the question unsaid.

He shook his head, “No, we are just friends and co-parents, it’s all we’ve ever wanted to be.”

She nodded. “Well if you are ok with it, maybe I can stay tonight and meet them and spend some time with you and them.”

He smiled, “I would like that,” he paused, “Wait, does mom know you are here?”

“About that,” she started, “I may have stolen her keys without telling her.”

“Lottie!” he exclaimed, “Are you trying to get me in trouble!”

She just shrugged, “I thought I could have been back before she got home from work, I didn’t know I would have to wait around all day for you.”

He shook his head, “I do have a day job you know.”

She just laughed, “It’s not like a nine to five there Lou, I was expecting you to still be asleep to be honest.”

“Thanks love,” he said as he shook his head, “How about I order us some food while I see where Mac and Grace are.”

She nodded as she pulled him into another hug, “You are ok now?” she asked softly.

“I’m getting there love, I’m getting there.”

* * *

 

As Louis had predicted, his mother had called him in a state, crying that Lottie was missing and so was her car. When he had told her that Lottie was with him, his mother had managed to make him feel five years old again, yelling at him for not calling her right away. When he had hung up with his mother, promising to send Lottie on her way first thing in the morning, he had turned to his sister with an unimpressed look on his face, “I am twenty-five years of old and I was this close to getting grounded for something you did.” Lottie had just smiled at him with a shrug and turned back to the TV. Sisters, more trouble than they are worse, he had thought with a laugh as he threw a pillow at her.

The visit with Mac and Grace had gone better than he had expected. After some initial uncertainty on both parts, Lotti and Mac seemed to get on quite well, a fact he almost regretted when they started to gang up on him. Grace, surprisingly, had been the reluctant one. Preferring to stay curled up in Louis’ arms, it took showing her pictures of Doris and Ernie with Lottie for her to start to open up as the night went on. The next morning, Lottie went home bright and early, with a promise to visit again soon.

The rest of the week passed fairly quiet. He spent his days shooting the Voice auditions, which they were wrapping on Friday, and he seemed to have a few day reprieve from unwanted visitors, as Niall had seemingly disappeared for a few days, but Louis knew it wouldn’t be long before he popped back up again.

Most nights he spent at home with Grace and Mac, sitting around the TV and just enjoying their time together. There was only one night they went out, Mac’s mother decided to have a family dinner one night, as Mac’s dad was getting stronger each day, and was able to stay up past dinner time, a fact Mac had taken great pleasure in mocking her father about.

Mac didn’t talk about it much, he knew she was still processing everything, but once her father had been released from the hospital, she had gone over one afternoon to see her father, and had come home in tears, he had been alarmed at first, but she had assured him they had been happy tears. Ever since then, they tried to make a point of all spending time together. And Louis had slowly been adopted into the family.

Most days he was still in awe that he was having actual conversations with his childhood hero, but after their first fully conscious meeting, where Danny had threaten Louis if he ever hurt his daughter or granddaughter, the pair spent many hours in front of the TV watching the match of the day, or talking about the latest premier rumor. And he loved every minute of it.

There were days he felt guilty for spending so much time with Mac’s family then his own, but Mac was quick to dismiss his fears but inviting his family down or offering to go up to see them whenever they had a free weekend.

They were a unique family dynamic, but they were making it work.

* * *

 

They had finished shooting early that Friday, so Louis decided to pick up Grace from her grandmother's and pop by Mac’s office for a quick visit before heading home. It didn’t seem to matter where they went, Grace was always a big hit. As soon as they had walked through the front doors, everyone was rushing to see her. Taking the surprise out of their visit, as it took them over fifteen minutes to get from the front door to Mac’s office.

She had greeted them simply with a “Bout damn time,” as she took Grace from his arms, going back to sit at her desk.

They took a few minutes to discuss some new offers Louis had gotten since the article had come out, he was surprised at all the interest in him, before he went into hiding, no one seemed to care much about him at all, other than to drag him through the press as much as possible.

“I’ve sent all the offers to one of my analysts, they are going to go through each offer we have gotten and look through them from a PR and financial aspect and recommend which ones seem to be the best offer. With some many, we have the luxury to be picky.”

He smiled at the professionalism of Mac’s team. They really analyzed each venture through every lense they could think off, showing some may be more financially rewarding, others from a PR angle, and some they recommend just because they thought it was the right thing to do. Ultimately, the decision rest with him. So far they had been making it work.

“I trust you,” he answered.

She smiled brightly, as she always did when he complimented his work. “You should go see Dom before you leave, he was going to call you later tonight, but since you are here,” she said.

“Do you want me to take her, or do you want her here while I am with Dom?”

She waved him off, “We are fine, go bug my brother,” she laughed, as she took Grace’s hand a waved at him, “Say go away Grace,”

“Love my Boo,” she said instead.

“She loves me more,” he laughed at Mac’s sour face with their daughter’s response.

She simply stuck her tongue out at him as he walked through the door laughing.

Louis made the short walk over to Dom’s office, knocking gently on the door, as Dom had his back to him, staring intently at his computer screen.

“Yeah,” he called over his shoulder, not bothering to turn around.

“Is that how you treat all your clients or am I just special,” Louis said amused as he leaned against the door frame, his arms crossed.

Dom whipped around in his chair, smiling when he saw Louis, “If they are half as much trouble as you, then yes.”

Dom got up from his seat and went to greet Louis with a friendly hug before motioning for him to sit.

“To what do I owe the pleasure?” He said as he sat back down in his chair.

“We finished shooting early, so I picked Grace up and thought we would pop in for a visit before heading home.”

“I’m sure she loved that.”

Louis laughed, “I felt bad, she didn’t even say goodbye to your parents.”

Dom shook his head, “Not surprised, you are her favorite person.”

He blushed as he waved Dom off, “Mac said you wanted to talk?”

Dom paused for a moment, as if trying to remember, before snapping his fingers and nodded, “Oh yeah, so since the article dropped and all the press with the Voice, we’ve gotten some offers for you, as well as we’ve reached out to some people and we’ve gotten great feedback.”

Louis nodded.

“The team is working to pull together some options, but this one came in and is kind of time sensitive.”

Louis sat up in his chair, intrigued by what Dom was about to propose.

“I know when you were younger you were big into musical theatre, not sure how much thought you have given it since, but we got an offer I don’t think you can refuse,” he hedged.

“Well, get on with it, what is it?”

“Have you heard of the musical Hamilton?”

Louis’ jaw dropped, “Get out!”

“It’s an american play set in the same time period as that,” Dom said with a straight face.

“Wait? What? I thought?”

Dom laughed, “Kidding,” he joked, “Lin called this morning, they are looking for someone for the role of the King for their London production that is going to be opening in a few months, and when he heard you were back in London, he thought you would be perfect for the role.”

“Are you serious?” Louis exclaimed, he was so excited he was almost vibrating.

Dom nodded, “He knows you’ve got a lot on, but they are in rehearsals for four months before opening night, which coincides with the Voice finale, and he was hoping you could make a commitment of three to six months before they replace you.”

Louis didn’t know what to say.

“I know you guys haven’t discussed the band yet, and I know this kind of overlaps with that timeline,” he added.

Louis paused for a moment to think. They hadn’t discussed exact timelines, just a two year break, what was a few month more, he thought. So for the first time since joining the band, Louis decided to do something selfish and put himself first.

“No, it’s fine, I’ll talk to the boys, but I can’t pass this up,” he said to Dom, “We’ll make it work.”

Dom smiled, “I’m glad. You’ll have a understudy so if there is a day or two you can’t perform it won’t be the end of the world.”

Louis nodded, “Even better. I can’t believe this.”

When he was younger all he ever wanted to do was be on stage, and for him he thought that was theatre. One Direction was never really in his long term plans. To be able to perform in a musical, in the West End, was a dream come true.

“I’ll call Lin back and let him know, we’ll work out the contract and timelines and hopefully have something for you to sign soon. It’s going to be hush hush for now. I think they are trying to keep all the cast members secret until closer to the opening.”

Louis nodded, “Sounds good,” he smiled, “Mate you honestly just made my day.”

Dom laughed, “I thought it might.”

“I’m speechless right now.”

“You deserve good things Louis. If your old team didn’t realize it then it’s their loss. Your bright, talented and a good guy. You make it easy for us to do our job.”

Louis smiled, “I appreciate that Dom, and everything you and Mac have done. I thought I would be lucky to have a project or two to occupy myself with, I never would have dreamed of all this,” he paused, “I honestly didn’t think I would have deserved it.”

“I know. I know how hard things have been on you. You’ve come a long way Louis, you should be proud of all you have accomplished. You have a bright future ahead of you, and we are happy to help you navigate that.”

“There isn’t anyone I would trust to help me.”

  
Dom smiled and nodded, “Enough emotions for the day. We’ll set up a meeting with you and the team for next week to go over a few more ideas we have. It’s going to be busy, but nothing compare to your early 1D days.”

“Sounds good, given what you’ve done so far, I look forward to hearing what all you have come up with.”

“It’s going to be a wild ride,” he smirked.

Louis laughed, he tilted his head slightly, “Why don’t you and that elusive boyfriend of yours come over for dinner this weekend for dinner.”

Dom smiled, “He’s only elusive during the season,” he laughed, “We are having a quick getaway this weekend since he doesn’t have a game, but how about next week?”

Louis nodded, “Sounds good, he’s always got the best stories.”

Dom snorted, “You don’t know that half of them.”

“If you stopped hogging him I would.”

“Do I need to be worried?” Dom asked with a smirk.

Louis stuck his tongue out, “Your boyfriend is safe, he’s not my type.”

Dom raised an eyebrow, “Hair not curly enough,” he teased.

Louis was not expecting that as he stuttered out a no.

“I’m on to you Louis.”

Louis stood up, “On that note I am going home. I don’t deserve this abuse.”

Dom chuckled, “You just wait my friend,” he threatened, and Louis knew he would be revisiting this conversation with Dom again.

He shook his head as he walked to the door, “I’ll see you later Dom, enjoy your weekend away.”

“Thanks Louis, see you next week.”

Louis nodded as he walked back to Mac’s office, he could hear her voice, and assumed she was talking to Grace, so he was surprised to see everyone’s favorite Irish man lounging on one of Mac’s office chairs.

“Why do you keep popping up everywhere,” Louis asked, startling the pair.

“Because I am magically delicious,” Niall responded with a playful smirk.

Louis’ mouth opened and closed as was not expecting that response, “What did I even ask?” he said to Mac confused.

She laughed at the pair, “I think the better question is what did he hear.”

Louis shuttered, “I so don’t want to know what goes on in that brain of his.”

“You do know I am in the room,” Niall said flatly.

Louis smirked, “You mean you aren’t a figment of our imagination.”

“Funny,” Niall quipped, “Why are we friends?”

“I tried to shake you but you just wouldn’t leave.”

Niall laughed, “You wish.”

Louis smiled at his friend, “What are you doing here Nialler?”

The innocent look Niall was giving him had him suddenly nervous, “Oh you know, was in the neighbourhood, thought we could spend some quality time together.”

“And you knew I was here, how?”

“I was in the boot of your car,” he said seriously.

Louis paused, not sure if Niall was being serious, he honestly wouldn’t have put it past his friend, he has seen him do crazier things.

Niall rolled his eyes when he saw Louis hesitate, “It’s called a phone Lou, I called Mac to see when you would be home.”

Louis nodded, “Oh,” he said, “I mean if Grace is ok to come with us, then sure, I don’t have anything planned.”

Mac waved him off, “Don’t worry about Grace Lou, it’s a slow day, she is fine here with me and Dom for a bit, I can head home early.”

“Are you sure?” he asked, “I don’t want to dump her on you.”

Mac shook his head, “Don’t be silly Louis, I know you love spending time with her, but go, have fun with Niall, we’ll be here when you get back.”

Louis quirked his eyebrow at her, “We’re just going out for a bite to eat or something like that, not going off to war.”

Mac laughed, “You know what I mean.”

Louis turned to Niall, “Do you have your car? I’ll leave mine here for Mac, since I have the car seat.”

Niall nodded.

“If you are sure,” he said again.

“Go, be young and carefree,” she laughed at hesitation, “Niall’s going to think you don’t want to spend time with him.”

“If I’m being honest,” he said.

“Don’t be an ass,” Niall replied as he stood up and wrapped an arm tightly around Louis shoulder, “Say goodbye to Bean and let’s be off.”

Louis pushed Niall off as he moved to Mac, taking Grace from her lap.

“Alright Bean, your dad’s being forced to spend time with a leprechaun, so I will see you when I get home,” he joked, looking at Niall with a smirk, who merely flipped him off in response. “Be good for your mom love, and we’ll spend all day tomorrow just you and me.” He said, kissing her head softly.

Grace wrapped her arms around his neck as she leaned up to give him a soft kiss, “Love my Boo,” she said, “No go,” she added, resting her head on his shoulder.

“You’re killing me here love,” he joked, “Promise love, you and me and all the cartoons we can find,” he said again, giving her one more squeeze before handing her back to Mac, “Love you bean,” he said as he moved away.

Grace’s bottom lip quivered slightly as she made to grab for him again, but Mac was quick to comfort her and nodded for Louis to leave. The longer he stayed, the more upset she would get. They had learnt quickly that it was best to leave quickly, like pulling off a bandaid.

“Alright Niall, let’s go,” he said, waving at Mac and Grace once more before following Niall out of the office.

The pair made their way to Niall’s Range Rover that was parked beside Louis Audi, “So where to today Mark,” he joked.

Niall sorted a laugh as he climbed into the driver's seat, “It’s a surprise.”

Louis buckled himself him “Why do I suddenly feel scared?” he joked.

“Whatever for?” Niall said, doing his best posh british accent.

“Just don’t get me arrested,” Louis replied.

“That was one time,” Niall muttered back as he pulled out onto the busy London streets.

The pair drove in relative silence, Louis not really paying attention to where they were going. Allowing the motion of the car to lull him into a light doze.

It wasn’t until he felt the car stop that he opened his eyes. “What the…” he said as he took in the airport in front of them. “What the hell Niall, why are we are the airport?”

“You are being kidnapped,” he said seriously.

“That’s not funny Niall.”

“I’m not joking Louis,” he said back.

“What is going on?” he said as he turned fully in his seat to look at Niall.

“I am kidnapping you for a few days. The boys are meeting us at our secret location, and he are going to get everything out in the open. I told you I was going to do this.”

“Just didn’t think it would be this soon,” he muttered.

“Don’t look so scared Lou, it’s not going to be that bad, Liam and Harry are looking forward to it.”

“Easy for them?” he said, mostly to himself.

“Don’t be an ass Lou, you knew this was going to happen. You know if I told you about it in advance you would come up with some excuse to postpone it.”

He wanted to argue Niall’s point, but he knew you couldn’t. “Does Mac know?”

He nodded, “Yes, she was fully supportive.”

“Of course she was.”

“Don’t pout Lou, it won’t be that bad. A few days in the sun, relaxing, it will be fun.”

“Famous last words.”

“Argh,” Niall yelled in frustration, “Just get out of the damn car and help me with your bags, or do I have to carry you onto the plane like a two year old?”

Louis crossed his arms and pouted, as if thinking about throwing a fit like one of his younger siblings. “Fine,” he relented, quickly getting out of the car.

“There’s a good lad,” Niall mocked, as he and Louis pulled out the few bags in the boot.

“Did you go through my closet?” Louis asked.

Niall smirked, “Scared of what I found?”

“Umm,” he stuttered.

“At ease, your porn collection is safe, Mac packed your bag.”

“Cheers mate,” he snarked, not much better, he thought.

“Relax, you’ll get wrinkles.”

“With this baby face, I think not!”

Niall laughed, “Come on Peter Pan, we have a flight to catch.”

As much as Louis bugged him, Niall wouldn’t give up the location they were flying to. Since they were flying a private jet, there was no way for him to find out, unless he bribed on of the flight crew, but Louis figured Niall had already seen to it that they kept their mouths shut.

He threw his bag on one of the chairs as he fell into another, looking out the window as the landing crew got everything ready for take off.

“Relax Louis,” Niall said again, “We’ll have a nice flight over and Liam and Harry will be waiting for us when we get there.”

“Fine. But if my mother yells at me again for taking off without notice I am sicking her on you.”

“I already called your mother, she is fully aware, and is expecting your call when we land.”

“Suck up,” Louis responded back with.

“You love me.”

Louis shook his head, “That is still up for debate.”

Niall just laughed, “Whatever. I made sure they had all your favorites, so I can tell them you aren’t interested if you want to keep pouting.”

“Fine you win, I will be a good boy and behave.”

Niall snorted, “Think that’s more something Harry would be interested in you saying.”

“Niall!” he said scandalized as he threw one of the airplane pillows at his laughing friend.

“You’re face mate,” he said as he grabbed his stomach, his laughter bouncing of the walls of the plane.

“That was just rude.”

“Man this is going to be fun,” Niall said, rubbing his hands together, a look of pure delight on his face.

“And here I thought you were the nice one.”

“Been fooling you all for years.”

“I’m starting to think,” Louis said. He was cut off from further replying as they were told to get ready for take off.

“Here goes nothing,” Louis said to himself as he looked out the small airplane window, as the airplane started to taxi its way to its takeoff location.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed that! Here is the summary of my new story Not Easy, which I hope to submit real soon!
> 
> -Not Easy-
> 
> We were two dumb kids, Full of hopes and fears  
> Growing further and further apart, So you shook your head  
> Looked at me and said, "It's not easy breaking your heart"
> 
> Even if you see them coming, your not ready for those moments that change your life. But they are going to come, you can’t change that. It’s how you react to those moments that really defines your life.
> 
> For Harry, he’s had many life changing moments, and for the most part he’s been pretty lucky, most of them have been positive. So he really wasn’t prepared for one phone call to change everything. 
> 
> Or, the one where Harry and Louis’ lives get turned upside down, or is it rightside up?


End file.
